A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this wonderful man for the 10 months, I'm 23 and he's 38, at first I was sceptical about the whole age thing but I couldn't help myself so we'd sneak away and meet each other at the local park or go a drive.. Anywhere as long as we got to spend time together. Things have progressed at quite a slow pace, I guess we've spent these months really getting to know each other, and now we've talked and decided we're gonna take it further. I'm so happy! I'm just smitten with him lol anyway the problem... My very old fashioned father. He has hit the roof and told me to tell my man he should be on the "offenders register" for "manipulating" a young 23 year old girl into a relationship with him because he "can't get anyone his own age" he thinks its disgusting, will never accept him into our family and would be embarrassed to tell people that he was his son in law or future son in law.. If we got to that point in our relationship. He then tells me I'm selfish and thinking of myself - I should be thinking of my future children - saying how they will get bullied at school for having a father that's "old". I told my dad we were going away for a few days together and he said yea that's fine and u can pack ur bags and move out this house if u go anywhere with him. What can i do I do about this!?? I understand he just wants the best for me but i could just cry :( Do I stand up to him or back down and just not tell him anythin else about my relationship? I just don't know what to say to him about it anymore, he starts playing his little mind games and if I stand up to him and be firm he cracks up!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): MY FATHER is violent. Being someone who deals with domestic abuse daily at work I wouldnt be one to put up with it. I just wanted opinions and some advice from people on how to try and calm my father down. I won't end the relationship, I've let my dad bully me for years, I won't let him bully me over this. No I don't work for him - we are based in the same department although have only worked together a handful of times. And I don't know if his ex knows, it doesn't matter to me wether she does. That's their past. We all have one. She has moved on and so has he. Thank u all for ur points!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): Who's quite violent your lover or your dad?
Look OP there is nothing you can do. This isn't a matter of over protection this is a matter of utter disgust and a relationship your father views as completely wrong. It's a fundamental belief of his and those are not easily changed, certainly not by a conversation or a couple of conversations.
What has living at home to got to with it? Simple, you are not going to get any peace there. There is nothing you can say or do that will defuse this situation only time will do that. He may in time come to begrudgingly tolerate it but will probably never like it.
You have 3 choices:
1. Stay at home and in the relationship and just put up with their utter hatred for this guy.
2. End the relationship.
3. Move out of home and get some peace to live your life how you choose.
OP our parents always think they know best and living at home means you're going to hear their views and opinions on a regular basis.
You're an adult now free to choose your own way in life but if you're doing something your parents are completely opposed to then it's time you moved out, become independent and be able to approach them on an equal footing as a person responsible for their own life.
You have to understand that to your father your relationship is totally wrong and if I'm honest I don't see such a large age gap having that much of a future anyway, but that's for you to find out further down the line. You're allowed to date who you want to live life how you choose, you'll find out all the pitfalls for yourself once the initial honeymoon period ends and you relationship requires practical thinking, age gaps are a massive struggle and it's not just your father who disapproves most people will think this guy a worthless cradle snatcher, you will always be up against that kind of thing and once the initial passion dies down you'll see if making a life with a 38 year old is actually possible or are you both looking to move forward in different directions. Trust me I know from experience.
So either accept your parents hate him and are not going to change their mind, stay or move out, or dump him. Those are your choices because nothing you say or do will change their minds.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): you write with GLEE that your older lover is a very violent person.......just becareful u dont get a taste of this violence firsthand.
does his ex wife know u have hooked up with her ex? so u work for this man?
trust me hun, u arefar from the little girl your dad thinks u are.
intriging
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Yes I know he's divorced because we know his ex wife, my dad also knows her - I'm sure this is a reason for him not to like him - obviously there will be bad feeling there. I work with him so I've known him for a long time before we got together. I don't see why my living at home is such a big deal? Ive come back here after travelling and my parents were more than happy to have me here until i got back into full time employment. infact my parents both don't want me to move out. I guess they want to keep their "little girl" as for using "my fathers resources" I would never bring him here, I would just like to be left alone and not given mouthfuls of abuse when I say I'm going to see him. He's offered to come and speak to my dad but he's quite violent so probably not the best idea!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): you are 23 but still living with at HOME? SO it means that if u want to act like an adult u need to start behavinging like one too: get your own place and stop having your cake and eating it too ( as one Aunts so nicely put it:i agree). u want to do as u please YET want the safety of your fathers home, u also want to use your fathers resources while u maintain your own life??? RED FLAG!if the huge age gap is an issue and u have not heeded your fathers concerns, it time for u to go out into the big bad world.i am curious: if this 38 year old man is all that and a packet of chips, why has he not met your father yet and discussed his intentions. this is what god decent men do!!! your older bf has to meet your parents. and that is the beginning. is this a short term relationship or is this man going to commit to you. sometime? or soon? i think u are more into this man than he is to you. if he is, then tell him to prove it. ask r dad to him to meet you dad to discuss. ( dont tell me i am old fashioned. this still works and i KNOW father/mothers respect the potential son in law even more. This older man is divorced u say: did u see the divorce decree. how much of time do u actually spend with him just for sex? or do u actually have a proper relationship. do u know his family.. where he works. his home? his friends? does he have any kids? his ex wife ( are u sure there is an ex wife????)OP, yes its great to be in love/lust and u do not want to heed your parents concerns right now bec they are sounding like old farts but your dad does really does have your best interests at heart. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 It's hard to be 23 and legally an adult and still financially a child dependent on your parents. Your dad is a bit over the top here but as a dad I can understand his concern. I hope you can too.
Your kids will not be “bullied”
My former MIL is only 8 years older than I am we were great chums and still are even if I am divorcing her son…. Your dad needs to learn to embrace the wide range of taste in this world.
I would if you wish to continue this relationship, consider moving out. It will reduce the stress between you and dad a bit and then give dad a chance to meet your beau.
FWIW When my fiancé was 23 I was 36 so I can easily see how this works. Lots of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 December 2011):
I'm 23 as well and I have also fallen for guys in the age bracket of the one you're currently dating. One thing you have to realize is that at your age you're really just starting out in life. You don't have a lot of life experience. This guy has been walking the earth 15 years longer than you have. In many ways that's a gap you can't bridge. When your man was 23, you were 8. It's this what creeps your dad out and I have to say from a parent's POV I can see why it would.
Now, I'm not implying that age gaps relationships can't work out, they can in some cases. Just not often.
Also, since you're still living at home you haven't really had the chance to properly stand on your own legs. I'm not condemning you for staying at home--I still live at home myself. I used to rent an apartment with my friend but when she moved out I couldn't cover the expenses anymore and had to move back. There's no shame in waiting for the right time to get out. The problem in your case is that this inexperience gives your newfound bf another advantage over you experience wise.
Your dad sees his little girl smitten with a man who is in an ideal position to manipulate and use you. I'm not saying he will; he may be a very nice, caring guy who has simply fallen in love, but in this world you can't be sure, especially when you're a dad.
Your dad is simply upset and resorting to the first method to change your mind: throwing harsh opinions at you. You can rebel like a teen to that or you can sit down with him and calmly talk about why he thinks it's such a bad idea. Remember, your dad has a lot of life experience. He's been your age, he's lived life. Why not try to learn from him? I think when he's calmed down and got to tell his side of things you have a much better chance to make him aware of your POV as well. Maybe in the middle of that you can work something out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): Well I think that at 23 you want to call the shots in your life as you should at your age because your an adult. However, it sounds like u want your cake and to eat it too. You say your only 23 and you want to be more stable in life. Sounds like you dad is right , you are not ready to be pursuing a man in his late 30's that's probably getting his rocks off seeing such a tenderoni, please don't be offended. When you say he has been divorced for 10 years do you know that for a fact? Have you seen divorce papers? Have you ever been around his friends or family? Do you have access to him whenever you want, or can you only call during "certain times?". Your dad is older and wiser and knows how men are and how they think. You sound like a very young 23 yr old to me. I would heed's dad's advice and proceed with caution if you choose not to listen to dad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): Why am I still at home? Because I'm 23 years old and don't feel the need to rush out the house.. When I move out I'm doing it properly when I know I have the correct funds to do so! Why did I see so little of him? Never said that.. I said we've taken things slowly. Is he divorced or married? Divorced about 10 years ago
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): Well, I think that since you are still living in his house you should respect your fathers rules and feelings. Just wondering why you are still living at home? I guess if you were out on your own then "daddy" probably wouldn't have much of a say. You could go about your life doing your own thing as you are your own person, paying your own way in life. But if you choose to live under your parents and they are still supporting you and if it disturbs dad to see this much older person with his young daughter, then out of respect for your dad I would terminate the relationship. I have to agree with your dad and can't help but to question the motives of this much older man. Is he married? Divorced? Why don't you see him that often? Is he hiding something? Would he be willing to support you should dad throw you out over him? I would investigate all this before there is a rift between you and your family.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (17 December 2011):
 Love is blind. as it should be. It is okay for you to have a relationship with an older man, but it is also okay for your father to object. You are old enough to have a life of your own, however. All I can think of to influence your dad would be for him to learn more about your man, who he is, and his virtues. Being older, he is probably more secure and valuable to you than dudes your age. If that is the case, then stress it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): I realise your in a difficult position, and your Dad is trying to protect you. Does your father know this man at all? I have seen this in my own family, it is difficult. If you stand up to him will he listen? or will he tell you to get out? You can try telling him how much you really care about this man, he may come to tolerate your relationship, but in my experience with an old-fashioned father toleration could be the best you can hope for. It may not be fair, but that is how it can go. I would talk to you Dad and try to tell him how happy you are with this man. One thing your Dad said about future kids being picked on at school for having an older father, unfortunately he is right. Both my parents are older parents, and at school I was picked on because they were "old" and kids can be terrible, telling me things like how they would die because they were old and a lot of other stuff that really hurt and screwed me up as a kid, so he is right that they could be picked on, but it doesn't change the fact that I love my parents and wouldn't have changed having older parents for anything. If you can handle knowing that the best you can hope for is to have him tolerate your man, then go for it. You deserve to be happy and once he realises that your happy he may come around. Try talking to him and remain as calmly as you can, you are an adult now and can make your own decisions.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (17 December 2011):
 I think the best thing to do is to cease talking about your relationship with your father. He has no right to do this to you. Just because he's your father doesn't give him the right to try to force his old-fashioned ways on you. You're an adult, and even though he thinks he may be helping you, he's being a jerk. You're an adult, so make your own decisions, and stop giving a hoot about your father's opinion on your boyfriend. You love him and that's really all that matters. You are not selfish at all, don't believe your father. You have a right to be in love and be happy. But since you've stood up to him and he can't accept it, just don't bring it up with him. If he does, then just drop it, or if you choose, you can state your opinion and tell him that he has no right to tell you who you can and can't date. Seriously, his opinion doesn't matter at all right now. He has to come to terms with this sooner or later. If you two got married, he wouldn't miss out on one of the most happiest days of your life just because he can't accept this, would he? He shouldn't and hopefully he will put his opinions aside and just shut up. So tell him how you feel and that you won't let his opinions determine your dating life because they really don't matter. You're the one in the relationship. So after that, tell him that if all he's going to do is criticize and belittle your partner, that he can shut up and keep his opinions to himself, because he shouldn't let something like this come between you and him.
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