My marriage is in trouble, please help!

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I'm in dire need of immediate help. I'm a 30year old mother of a 6month old daughter, and a wife to a 66year old man. We met and dated online for 3years in which a we got married a year ago. We never lived together, but visited one another for 4months condensed, until 2months ago when i relocated to his country, meaning our daughter was born in my country(he was present during her first month). This is because there had been a delay with the embassy getting my papers ready, hence was beyond our control. Well, i'll be as honest as possible because of the intensity of this matter. I got involved with this man at a time when my life was very low, and needed financial support. So, i all along stayed with him for upkeep. Please don't bash me on this-i couldn't have sat down and starve to death. I had to do it to survive. I come from a developing country with a very high rate of unemployment. So i know the basis of this relationship were wrong from the start. HOWEVER, i never intended to take advantage of him. I hoped i would grow to love him, and live happily. Afterall, i thought he would be a great husband with his many years of experience. As i mentioned earlier, i we(my baby and i) joined him 2 months ago. These 2months have been characterised by a lifestyle of people who have been married for decades. The first slap was immediately when we came. He assumed that he had no role to play in the household. Not cooking, not even interest in his own daughter, absolutely nothing. This led to our first argument. I explained that i didn't come here to be his slave. He changed for a bit and then went back to the same habit. I brought up the issue again, he is now somewhat active. The second came up concerning our daughter. When we arrived he was not connected with her. Not even an inch. He never held, talk or get involved in any way. On inquiry, he explained that its because she screams alot and that he gets very irritated by such noises, just like dogs barking irritate him. He even requested to be using earplugs around th house. I was very furious. He changed this attitude and he now gets involved despite her screams etc. I'll count the items we've bought our daughter_car seat, stroller, (i had to push the following as they're not so necessary in his opinion)swinger seat, and activity mat. Yesterday we had a big argument because i explained that she needs an exersaucer*sp* and he insists it is not necessary because she can do without it. Its not basic. That money should be spent wisely. After a long argument, he gave in and tomorrow we'll be shopping for it. Besides this, everything that needs substantial amount of money must bring a debate-even buying curtains after explaining to him that i wasn't comfortable living it a house without them. I expected that i could tolerate and live with our differences's but it is now evident that i can't. It is boring in here. Same routine. He is a very intelligent man, a quality which drew me to him, but then, thats where it ends. To him, any one who watches tv, takes dogs for a walk, plays golf/chess is a loser. There are better things to do with ones time. His idea of a leisur time from work is taking a walk and discussing intellectual matters. END. My idea of marriage, is a balanced union. Someone i can talk silly stuff and laugh it out, spend a saturday afternoon on the couch watching tv, and still having serious career schedules. Share responsibility with our baby, not a man who sleeps at the furthest corner of the bedroom on a separate bed(and of course earplugs), whereas i take care of her throughout the night. Its not that it is a burden, but someone to enjoy parenthood with. We also spend every waking moments together. He lives in 1bedroom apartment, which is also his office, located in the kitchen. I know its not healthy. We plan that i go to a language school early next year, and later advance my degree course. How is it possible now that i can't trust him enough with our daughter? Babysitting is out of question. Its damn expensive. Daycare, is also not an alternative. I rely on him wholly. I guess, i mean guess,his problem is that he is a miser. But how can i live like this? With someone who thinks 4 pairs of jeans is adequate. Wil i live having to explain to him in details the relevance of every project here? Even the need of us getting our own house? Im tired. I cant go on like this. FYI, understand, i'm not a golddigger. I love working and being an equal partner in running a household. To end, i expected that he would bring up a topic pertaining to my allowances which didnt happen. I mentioned it last week and he proposed that we would discuss when he is free. I will bring it up again tonight. All in all, he provides the basics aequately. He is very generous when it comes to academic causes. What is going to happen to us?

View related questions: money

Reply to this Question

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011):

1 2 3 4 5

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011):

1 2 3 4 5

<-- Rate this answer