A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, ive been married for 3 years and now i live separately with my husband. My 16 month old son is with me. I live with my family now.So the reason i left him was because he stole my jewellery and money to pay his gambling debt, he lied a lot, he let me being bullied by his family ( i live in his parents house back then), we have no emotional and sexual connection anymore. We dont have sex for more than 2 years ( he never asked and rejected me if i try to initiate things). He has a very low moral as a person. I know i shouldnt stay or going back with him. My parents know about this, but they think its better for me to go back with him and give him last chance. They dont want my son to grow up without a father and being discriminated by friends and relatives. They will do anything to mend us again. They give me a house to live with him so there is no more in-laws drama. They will help us to start a business so we can have our stable income. Actually i dont want to be with him anymore. I found him so annoying. Like what he likes, his taste, his personality, his vission mission as a person, his spending habit, his awareness toward the world and his responsibility to me and my son are so different to me. He doesnt have savings. Doesnt have plan for his future and still depend on his parents.He asked me several times what do i want with our marriage. Sometimes he asked me out and meet my son. But we never have a talk or text beside that. Yesterday i check his phone and i think he still lie to me. He still loves the bachelor life. I guess he doesnt really ready to leave that life. I think he enjoys our separation. The only reason he still asking me out is he wants so be seen as a good man without having the responsiblity to me and my son or probably my in laws want him to bring my son to meet them. He talked about it indirectly. Fyi, when i still live there, his family ignored me and my son on purpose. Probably because they want us out and bring their son ( his family has known his newest gambling debt and hide it from me).I have many things to consider. I have guilty feeling to my son if i divorce him. I will make him grew up without a complete family. I also afraid of loneliness. Im afraid if i will spend my life alone forever. And im a stay at home mom this whole time. I dont have experience and dont know how to start gaining my own money and finance me and my son. My parents are very good people they provide us this whole time. Im very grateful to have them as my parents. I need to depend on myself asap. But i dont know how? Actually im good at cooking. Thats my hobby and i got many compliments. I just dont know where to start.
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bullied, debt, divorce, gambling, money, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): You are the key to your life. You have found your husband to be wilful and unreliable.Your parents love you and you love the baby.You must tell your mum that your husband will gamble your life away.Or your sons life.You must try to resist going back to the husband.You got away.You got so far away that you can nearly enjoy your life.Don't go back.A new house with the same man with the same faults is going backwards.It's just a different location.At least you know that your parents have money to invest in you and your child.And time is passing quite quickly.You will find the answer one day.Your parents want you to be happy.This man does not make you happy.Tell your mum:'If I go back to my ex I will end up dead. Maybe someone will kill me for the money.So NO I will not go back to him. I think he is a drug addict and a gambler and I am a person and not a paypacket. My child will never learn about love if I live together with my exhusband. He will only know fear and pain and confusion and he is a beautiful soul who deserves to know the love of his mother without her being battered and killed by a cowardly gambler and drug addict.'As long as you say 'No' they will try to think of something else.Why not set up a small business with your mother?You will find a way.Why don't you and your baby and mum and dad move far away to another country like Australia or the Caribbean or America or Taiwan or anywhere that is so far away that you can all be happy.Your family has the money!And you really could all go to another place and learn what it is to be happy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): I think your parents are deceiving themselves, or just putting on a show for family and neighbors. Making believe the problem is just because you're both young. That's not it at all. They seem to be kind and generous people; but they are also very stubborn. Trying to force you together; as if that's all it takes. They know better, they just want to have it their way. Face to the public is more important to them.
Your husband won't take you back. He'll take their money, move into the house, and he'll gamble everything away. Let him, since your parents want to pretend you should be with a man who doesn't love you; and a man who only sees his son for the sake of appearances. That's what this is all about anyway. Appearances! You can appear to be dysfunctional and having marital-problems, it brings shame on them publicly.
You don't know what to do with yourself. Start with an easy menial-job; and learn how to get and hold a job. No matter how simple it is. If you move back with your husband, nothing will change. You'll just be living in the same house, fighting, being ignored, and he'll be out most of the time. He's a man, and that's acceptable in China. His awful behavior is frowned upon; but men have more rights than women.
I have to be honest with you, all your parents care about is protecting your family honor. They don't want you to be the dreaded single Chinese-mother without a husband. Even if he gambles, drinks, hits you, and doesn't love you!
Daughters aren't treasured as much as a son in our country; they're a burden, if you get too old without a husband. You become an embarrassment. The sooner they get you married the better. Can't you work for relatives who own a business? If you have a small son, they won't allow you to work anyway. Remember, everything has to seem normal! Like he supports you and your son.
You are at everyone's mercy; because you don't take a stand for yourself. You write long sad letters; but probably can't follow any of our amoral and unrestrained western-advice.
Your parents are embarrassed about your situation; and just want you have a husband for everybody to see. They seem ashamed of you. You did make a very bad choice in a husband; but they're going to make you live with it.
They're thinking back to their generation; when you arranged a marriage for your children. In obedience, you lived together no matter what. Men do whatever they like, and you stay home and push-out babies. If you have a career, they'd still be ashamed of you; if you didn't have a husband and give them grandchildren. With the exception of daughters of billionaires, officials, and the very elite; who can be whatever they want to be, as long as they marry into only the best of families. You pretend life is perfect, and your name means everything.
Like we Americans say, "you're caught between a rock and a hard place!" You were born a female. Therefore, by cultural-tradition, your parents and your husband dominate and control your life. If you had a stronger personality; you'd get more respect, and would have more confidence. Single young-women with children don't present the type of image acceptable to society. It's different if you were a widow. Your parents are well-off financially; so their image within your community and social-standing is important to them.
My advice is, take the house. Take their money, and live with the man. He'll be gone most of the time anyway. At least you'll have a home to raise your son in. If your drunken-gambling husband sells everything your stubborn parents bought you, it's on them. They're worried about gossip and what everybody thinks. You must honor them as your culture demands you to. You made a bad-choice, and don't have many other options; or the courage to divorce him.
Your Chinese-culture and your government give you limited choices. Your parents don't care what your marriage is like, as long as you have a husband.
You claim your husband doesn't love you, but you can't support yourself. He can't either, from what you've told us. Let your parents create a stage play like a story out of a book, or on TV. Let them set it up so it looks like you're happily-married. At least your son will have a home, and you will have someplace you can figure-out what to do next with your life.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (7 March 2020):
 OP, you have posted on DC many times. Make a stand and go forward. Stop agonizing and do something. Your parents are there for you so let them help you. You are far luckier than many women! Don't go back to your husband. Lay everything out to your parents about your husband, don't hold anything back. Make sure they know what REALLY happened. I'm sure they wouldn't want you going back to him if they knew everything. Get a job...start earning money and move forward. The last thing you need to worry about is a boyfriend. Get your life together and be a great parent to someone who needs you...your child. Appreciate your parents and help them in any way that you can. This isn't going to be easy but you can get through the bad times. Be strong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2020): Dear Poster. I think this is the third time or so you are posting this question on DC. I am amazed that you are still undecided and suffering. You are from China and, same as in most Oriental Societies the concept of the extended family is still alive in China, I believe. At least that is one thing in your favour. I suggest you tell your parents all the details of your husbands failings as you have told here. They should listen and sempathise with your blight. No parent will accept to let their child to suffer like you are doing now. I know I wouldn't let any of my daughters. So make plans to somehow to have a career. You say you are good at cooking. There is always demand for kitchin staff and cooks of all levels everywhere. Convince your mum to take care of your son while you go out to work. It is not your fault if your marriage failed because of your husbands recklessness. There is nothing to be ashamed of either for you or your son. So go ahead take the command and take action. Don't be a chicken. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 March 2020):
 In one word : NO. Or in two : HECK NO ! Do not go back to your husband.
I think many of us at Dear Cupid remember all the long , painful saga and frankly I am astonished that your family wants you to go back to your husband. Maybe you did not tell them the whole story and they are missing some important details ?... Otherwise, although in your culture " saving face " may be very important, and there may be a stigma upon being a divorced or single parent,...what " face " are you saving if you associate yourself again with a guy who is a swindler, a thief ( he stole from his own parents !) , a ne'er -do-well who can't keep a real job and only likes whoring around and drinking ?...
Your parents " would help you put up your own business " ?.... Well, this guy already sank a couple of business, right ?, because of his dishonesty, lack of business acumen and unwillingness to work hard. What makes you, or your father, think that his next commercial endeavours would not go the same unsuccessful way ? You said your father is a reputable, prosperous business man, and it's positively weird that a savvy, established business man would risk not only his money, which is the lesser loss, but his reputation,by supporting a charlatan like your husband !?
As for your child growing uo without a father, yes that's not the best possible way of growing up, I guess. neither is growing up with a thief , a liar , a compulsive gambler as a father !! Come on, if your dad is a guy who steals mom's jewelry to pawn it and gamble it away… well, that's not a stellar example, not a father figure to take inspiration from, and having limited exposure to such a debatable role model, may be a big plus for your child, rather than a minus.
Maybe you need to stress this point when you stand up to your family.
because you do need to stand up to them. They may have the best of intentions, but they are clearly mistaken, or they have retained a set of priorities that are not only outdated, but frankly unacceptable in our society. Your child would be " discriminated " by friends and relatives because his parents divorced ??! Friends who discriminate an innocent child and for such a stupid reason, are clearly NOT your friends , and you should dispose of them. As for relatives, maybe they are very old, very set in their ways…. which is not an excuse for being also very dumb and very cruel, so just laugh in their face and send them to f..k off. Your parents at least, support you financially, so they have the right to express their preference and opinion, as misguided as it is ; other relatives should totally stay out of your business and if they cross boundaries it's up to you to let them know that sorry, they are not allowed to do that.
Lastly, you are afraid you won't find anybody else, you are afraid you'll be alone forever…. Oh please. That's extremely improbable, almost impossible. You are under 30 and you have tons of time to find somebody else. Nevertheless, at the moment, TBH this kind of preoccupation is very self- indulgent, very vapid, very bratty. You have a 16 months child to grow up, and whether you divorce legally ( as you should do ) or not, he does not have a real father figure, so you'll have to be mother and father anyway for him to grow him up right and give him values and principles. You need to stand on your own two feet, you need to learn marketable skills, you need to apply for jobs, even modest ones, so that you can gain some work experience and build a curriculum,- and you need to go live on your own, possibly, out of the well meaning but overbearing influence of your parents. In short : you need … to get a life. Which is less scary than it sounds- you are young , you are healthy, you have savings and financial resources, and you have a family which can help you with childcare . You are better off than many single or divorced mothers in ANY country . BUT, it's going to be hard work; it's not going to be a walk in teh park. It's going to demand a lot of your time, committment, strength, energy. And in all this… you are whining " oh dear me, what if I don't find soon another boyfriend ?".... So, do you think THIS is your main problem right now ? ...Seriously ??
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