A
female
age
,
*azzie
writes:My husband has been sending private messages to a woman via Facebook. We knows her as she used to date a member of his family a few years ago.She got married to another man and had a child, they have since split up.She has an adult only account on certain websites, I have seen some of her photo's and they are pornographic, I have no evidence though that my hubby has joined or subscribed to her account.So over the last few months they have been chatting and she has sent a very porno photo through to him, not of herself, he replied to it in a very disgusting way saying "nice f---y by the way".Then more recently they have been chatting about usual things, no harm there, but he finishes off the chat with him giving her compliments on her profile photo saying that she is gorgeous and saying that her body is hot and that he could fancy her.He then deletes these messages and never mentions it to me. He knows how I feel about her in her line of work, and he has actually defended her, against me ???He does not know that I know about these messages, if I confront him, he will just go to more lengths to hide it.We have been married in excess of 40 years and over the last few years I have become very unhappy in the marriage due to his lack of attention and respect for me, and there is no intimacy, that's on his part, he says he is ill and cannot perform, part of that is true. I do not trust him over other things he has done over the years, but have never come across any evidence to show that he has been physically unfaithful.The question is am I over reacting, and can you start again after 40 years and being on your own, I cannot imagine what it would be like.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 March 2020):
 You got him and yourself this far, keep it up.
But you also have to decide, are you willing to keep pushing or pulling him to go do this.
Having a crap childhood is something he should have dealt with a long time ago, giving his age. Same with the porn addiction, especially if this is something that has been an issue in the marriage for a long time.
If he doesn't do this, NOTHING will change. Even IF he does it, he might not change. That is a possibility. Therapy and/or counseling is not a "fix" it's a way to get the tools to DEAL with and HANDLE issues in the best way. Also something to consider. And something to remind him off.
I hope you keep seeing the therapist and work on what YOU need to work on, FOR YOU. Get you back to a place where YOU feel you want to be. Emotionally and mentally.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2020): Hello, Kazzie!
You have to take it a step at a time, and one day at a time. You should be proud of yourself. Can you believe you actually managed to get your husband even to go to one day of counseling? Can you believe he managed to open-up to an outsider? I told you that he would: "The irony is, the resistant-one is sometimes the one who ends-up opening-up the most during counseling!"
There is group-therapy counseling for sex-addictions. Give the therapist a call to see if she can recommend one. He feels better with you there; but he needs to be on his own to face his demons. Not to feel you judging him. The counselor wants to see you alone to give you the freedom to open-up and face your own demons and fears. Sometimes they can see when there is a hesitance, or note any intimidation that might hinder your therapy. There has to be trust established. As for the book, go out and purchase it. Challenge him to read 10 pages a day, and you read it too. Be sure to reward him for his cooperation. Thank him for trying.
Kazzie, you are a very loving soul. Deep in his heart, he knows that everything you've said and done thus far is because you love him, and you value your marriage. You're a rare kind of woman; and I'll continue praying that God give you faith and strength. Guess why the roof blew-up? He was sending hubby a message! SHUT-UP!!! LOL No harm was going to come to either of you. He sends a little message sometimes to let you know that He's on your side.
My dear, I will continue to pray for you and your husband. Stand your ground, you're not alone. He's used to being stubborn and having his way; and this is all humiliating and humbling to him. It is not to bring shame on him; but to free him from his demons, and to bring the light and love back into your marriage. Otherwise, to give you a final-assessment of whether your marriage is salvageable. He has to take you seriously first. Not always manipulate his way out; just to go back to what he was up-to.
Addictions of any kind will make people very cunning and clever at protecting their source of pleasure, uphold their denial, and challenge any threat towards ending their favorite habit. It's not easy to do that.
You are removing a source of pleasure-producing brain-chemicals activated by their addiction. They are dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. Anything that makes you feel good produces these chemicals. Like the euphoria we get from making-love; consuming chocolate, booze, masturbation, and using recreational-drugs.
Moving him out of his comfort-zone and rocking his perception of being almighty and immovable is your greatest challenge. He needs you to bring him back to the light. The darkness and compulsion of addition can be all consuming.
May God continue to guide you, give you strength; and help your counselor to be effective and wise. Don't hesitate to say a little prayer over your marriage too, my dear!
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A
female
reader, kazzie +, writes (23 March 2020):
kazzie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All
As promised here is my update:
So we both went to see the counsellor, but not before he had one last ditched attempt to try and get me to cancel it.
Hubby and I had a very open conversation in the morning about his behaviour, I think his motive was he thought by finally being open with me, I would cancel the appointment, but not a chance.
On the way there he was telling me to mention this and that, mainly his porn use and the latest episode which made me leave my home and go to my sisters.
I said well how is that going to help anything, you are planning on going in there and lying from the off, that is not going to help anything or anybody.
Well the counsellor was a lovely lady and made us feel very relaxed, and hubby did open up to her, telling her about his broken childhood and when the behaviour started as a child, his secret world.
He told her a lot, I already knew all of that already, she suggested a book to read that would help us both, but she did say that she couldn't work with both of us at this stage.
She suggested that hubby goes through sex counselling therapy first, then work together on the marriage.
We left with us both feeling a little happier, but then he said it, he doesn't feel that any more counselling will help and that he does not want to go back.
I left it at that for that moment not wanting to cause an argument, later on I did try coaxing him into agreeing to go for some sessions, he said he does not want to go on his own, so I said that I would go with him, but sit outside the room and wait, he said that's the same as him going on his own, he said he would start by reading the book, yeah right, I know this is another stalling act from him.
Then we had an awful experience on the way home, as we were driving along, we heard the most almighty explosion which really shook us both up, and the glass sunroof in the car had just exploded, glass everywhere, luckily neither of us we hurt as the inside screen stopped the glass from falling on us and cutting us, phew that was very frightening.
So unfortunately that took us off the subject somewhat.
I am not giving in to him and will keep urging him to go for this counselling. If he does not go, I certainly will, I know that I am full of anxiety and perhaps even a little depression going on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2020): That's great! Keep us updated!
No matter what, don't back-down!
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A
female
reader, kazzie +, writes (17 March 2020):
kazzie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,
Once again thank you for taking the time to reply.
So he has agreed to go and we have a counselling appointment booked for the weekend, I would have wanted one sooner but the therapist I have found is booked up until then.
I hope he does not change his mind about going, I will go no matter what.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2020):
If nothing else OP, YOU go find a counselor and talk. And then you go from there.
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female
reader, kazzie +, writes (16 March 2020):
kazzie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi AllOnce again thank you for all your advice.He seems to think that endless cups of tea and him trying to cuddle me (which I do not want him to do)and going on the charm offensive (too late) will make this all better and go away.So Friday night I was getting ready to go away to a friends party so was going to be away for the night, and he came in the bedroom and we started to talk and I told him that he would have to attend counselling with me, no answer from him, I asked again, and he shouted NO, so I shouted back at him that he had better get out of the house and find somewhere else to live coz he sure is not going to carry on living with me, he said to me "where will I go" I said unbelievable that you would rather leave the house than go and get counselling.Then things got worse, I had a bit of a breakdown, went a bit mental, and I am disgusted with myself that I let myself cry in front of him, showing weakness is not what I intended to do, then I heard him, under his breath he said I had better go then I suppose, he meant to counselling.So this morning we have had another chat, he says he loves me and does not want to separate as it would do his head in, never mind that he has already done mine in, then I mentioned about counselling and he said oh no, not that again.So watch this space, if we ever get to counselling it will be a small miracle.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2020): Here's what you must understand and always keep in-mind. People suffering from mental-health issues and addictions are in a state of denial. They truly believe in their minds they can just "stop" at will. Sometimes they just don't give a damn! They will adamantly reject and refuse any notion of counseling and rehabilitation; and will fervently resist any attempt to pressure them in that direction. There is yet another hurdle to get-over. He does not want to give-up having total control over you; and having the power to do whatever he wants without fear of consequences. He has has had it far too good for far too long! All you can do is nag nag nag! He's immune to it!
This is where it gets tough for the victims of all their bad-behavior and mischief. Never-mind what they've put their families and friends through; and never-mind all the heartbreak endured during many years of dealing with this relentless behavior. What seems like an eternity! It never seems to get better, only worse! You may as well keep all your idle-threats to yourself! Shut-up and put-up!
It takes considerable strength to insist they seek counseling or rehabilitation; and just know he will not go to counseling without a fight. You have allowed him too many years of steamrolling over you; and to see you take a stand is out of the ordinary. He's behaving like a spoiled-brat throwing a tantrum and refusing to go to the dentist!
He will become even more resistant; because he knows by refusing to budge he will wear you down. He has had plenty of years of practice; and you're new at taking such a defiant-stance regarding the fate of your marriage. He has some preconceived-notions about what the counseling sessions and the therapist will be like. The point is to convince him that he should at least take a plunge; and see if what he believes is even remotely true. What it comes down to is this. How much does he truly love you, and how far would he go to prove it? Resistance is futile!
Challenge him to go to a couple of sessions with you. Ask him what's he hiding in his head that he wants no-one to get at? Marriage-counselors don't perform lobotomies or do brain-surgery! They coach, and mediate communication between couples whose marriages are in trouble. When he seeks counseling regarding porn-addiction; he can go to group-sessions, and feel at-ease among others who are dealing with sexual-addiction. Nobody judges anybody. Leave that be for the time-being. Your marriage is the priority, and it will not survive; until you can get him to understand what he is putting you through. Be just as determined that you will no longer remain married to him; unless he is willing to take extreme measures to save your marriage. You will not settle for anything less! This means by now, you are willing to divorce him; unless he actually undergoes professional-counseling. He will not change without this type of intervention; because you are not strong enough to make it happen without help. Nor is he! For too long, He has been conditioned to believe you are actually helpless; and he knows he is stronger than you!
If he continues to refuse; then you will have to gather the courage and conviction to make HIM leave. HE is the one refusing to save the marriage; so HE is the one who has no right to be there. HE is the one with the porn-addiction; and HE is the one in-denial about what has lead-up to all this! Yet he refuses to take any measures to save your marriage. Then he has to go! Make it absolutely clear to him, you are not so naive as to believe that he will do anything to change. You don't trust him, and he proves day after day that he will only become worse than the day before. You have to convince people who need help that they need help. If they continue to refuse, then they have to leave and take their rotten-behavior somewhere else. You can do bad all by yourself!!!
The irony is, the resistant-one is sometimes the one who ends-up opening-up the most during counseling! All else fails; call yourself a lawyer...and put this to rest! He has proven he isn't worth the trouble.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2020):
I'm sorry he isn't really willing to work WITH you on fixing what's not working.
To think that counseling is about "letting someone in your head" is silly. Yes, a counselor can make you "see" or understand yourself AND your partner, their wishes and how to be better at meshing and working together. It not a brain wash technique!
But from what you write, I'm not surprised that he isn't going to do squat.
No one changes over a few days. And he certainly doesn't "get" what is it you want from him. Nor has he any intentions of figuring that out. This is all YOU (in his head).
You ask, do I follow through with my ultimatum? I don't think you really have a choice IF you don't WANT to continue as it has been for a long time. You could say I want a trial separation and HE has to move out. My guess is, he would refuse to be the one to move. So for that, you might HAVE to involve a lawyer/solicitor. Or move out yourself.
If you don't follow through, do you really think he will change? When he can't even verbalize what it is HE needs to change? He is the one willing to throw away a 40 year marriage, rather than go see a marriage counselor!
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A
female
reader, kazzie +, writes (13 March 2020):
kazzie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi allSo I have come back home and tried to talk with him, he is one obstinate and difficult man, as I write this we are in separate bedrooms.He says that he is disgusted and embarrassed by what he did.He will not admit to being a porn addict and is sick of me labelling him, and he has point blank refused to go to ANY counselling, he is not letting anybody get into his head.He is sick of me asking him questions and trying to get in his head.Can you believe he actually thought that I would cook tea? I told him that I was withdrawing my wifely duties as he had withdrawn his husbandry duties.I said you have destroyed my faith and trust in you and what are you planning to put that right, I want to go to marriage guidance counselling, again he said no, but that he realises he has been a pain to live with and he will try to be better.So when he has agreed that he has a "problem" I actually asked him what that problem was, he said because you said I have a problem, talk about trying to twist and play with your mind.He also said well you want to piss off dont you, you want to run away. He said these past days when I wasn't here he thought is this it, is this what it would be like?Yet he doesn't want to do the one thing I have asked of him and go to counselling.So now the million dollar question is do I follow through on my ultimatum that it is the end of the marriage, I didn't say that I would leave the house, maybe I should ask him to leave, to be honest he hasn't been present in this marriage for sometime now.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2020):
Start with a marriage counseling therapist. If he truly needs a sexual addiction counselor too, then hopefully the therapist can point that out and suggest someone.
I can see why your husband is not wanting to do counseling. It's not in his favor. If he for so long has called most of the shots and done as he pleased, having to listen to WORK for his marriage might be "too hard" (or so he claims).
Stick to your guns here.
Yes, he might BE on borrowed time. But at least with marriage counseling you are GIVING him the opportunity to PARTICIPATE in trying to fix what isn't working any more. You can't fix the marriage alone, HE can't fix it either, you BOTH need help with that, which is what counseling is for. To provide the two of you with tools to rebuild.
You want to give the marriage and him THAT extra chance, he can take it or leave it. YOU will continue to move forward, with or without him. And that IS what you have to do.
If he doesn't participate with the counseling or doesn't want to go after 1-2 visits, ARE you willing to say, I have done everything to try and fix this with him, now I need to move on, alone?
I think he knows you are serious, but you ALSO have to know that and be willing to carry out the "threat" if it comes to that.
Now it MIGHT be that the first counselor you two go see isn't a good fit for you two. Try someone else.
As far as a counselor "blaming" the wife for the husband's use of porn, well you can listen and disagree. A counselor is NOT the single authority of what boundaries you want in your marriage. She/He isn't there to judge either of you.
Seems like your husband didn't expect you to rock the boat, which hopefully means HE will do what you ask. The thing is, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink. The same can be said for unwilling participants and counseling. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Or that HE shouldn't try either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2020): In the seven or so years I've been offering advice on DC, it never ceases to amaze me how unwilling husbands are to go to counseling to save their marriages! If they do go, they won't take it seriously; and just go through the motions. Afterwards, they just get worse!
When you're dealing with someone who is obstinate, controlling, or stubborn; the one thing they fear more than anything, is an outsider (or go-between) who can intervene or mediate the situation. They want no-one to call them out for what they do. Neither do they want to give you any opportunity to confront him; and tell him exactly what you think, and how you feel. He has run roughshod over you for so long; he is terrified of facing what you truly think of him! He's used to shutting you down before that could ever happen. He covers his tracks, and denies things to your face. That's that! Thus are the ways of a narcissist!
The truth is, he is refusing to give you any form of leverage or opportunity to gain any traction. It's his way, or the highway! If he was right, and it was nothing he has done that has brought you to this point; then he has a substantial defense and argument. If he wants to take the biblical-stance of being the head of the household; that only applies to good-husbands who are righteous, who honor their wives, and are the God-fearing type. Not pornographers, abusive-husbands, or adulterous-cads! The kind of men who bully their wives and families; and are never moved to compromise on anything. They do whatever they want, and screw whomever gets hurt! That's the kind of man you divorce. First you exhaust every avenue available to save your marriage, of course! Thereby honoring your vow of "for better or worse." It does not say "no matter what!"
Once you've established he won't cooperate; that is your confirmation that he doesn't value you, nor his marriage, as much as he should. He refuses to change, or even negotiate! It's on his terms, or no way at all! He has spat on your ultimatum, and dug-in his heels. How many times over do you have to repeat the predictable!!!
This is where you consult with a divorce attorney, and get your legal-ducks in a row. He will stall you; while that is exactly what he will do himself. Too many women diddle and fiddle around; while their husbands are hiding assets, emptying accounts, and hiring lawyers to throw them out penniless. Don't be one of those poor foolish women! I can understand those who can't afford attorneys; or abused-women literally held hostage within their homes, under a ruthless scoundrel threatening her with harm. They don't have much of a choice. You're not in that position. Thank God!
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female
reader, kazzie +, writes (11 March 2020):
kazzie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo he messaged me asking me to come home today and I replied that no I will not, I said tomorrow and I mean tomorrow.Then he said that he hopes there will be no talk of us splitting up, and what advice did my sister give to me, and saying yes I know its all my fault, I know!!!I replied with it does not matter what my sister advises it is my feelings and I have to do what I see fit.Then I said it again, counselling or this marriage is over.Here is his reply:-Unbelievable that sitting in front of some shrink keeps my wedding ring attached to my finger, and what if this shrink don't work, am I on borrowed time? or maybe somewhere else you have planned for me like a lie detector every week.If you are thinking of a split if it fails, what good is that for me? Hope you realise it may not work this counselling, not that I'm off to the first lap dancing club if it don't. But you think about that.What chance do I have then, think I'm doomed , and I also think you don't mind us separating, your friend has done it recently and look how flippant she is about it, not a care in the world.So as you will all be able to see, he is admitting to fail before he has even begun any counselling, and still trying to control me.My worry is that if he does agree to counselling, going there with an attitude, because he does not want to talk about this with anybody else.I am also worried about which type of counsellor is best, I think he needs two, one for the sex addiction and the other for marriage guidance, I know that if you get the wrong sex counsellor it does more harm than good.I have read stories where the counsellor also blamed the wife for not understanding that the hubby wants to watch porn every now and again.With addicts of any sort they have to want to kick their habit before they can proceed with healing, he obviously does not want to, still lying about it, telling me he does not watch it everyday, again he does not know that a few years ago I have obtained reports from his history that he watched it everyday, but now he does it a different way, or is more clever at not leaving the history behind, he is so devious.Why am I even bothering, I have to ask myself!!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2020):
So far so good.
You did what you set out to do, calling him on his BS. And ASKING him to go to counselling to save the marriage.
The thing is he refused and will continue to DENY that what he did is what destroyed your faith, trust and love in him.
And now you know, he has no remorse for his actions. If he did, he would do as you had asked.
At some point though, You SERIOUSLY need to consider if you have had enough to a point where you divorce him and move forward alone. Him being in the spare room should only be a temporary solution.
Keep moving forward OP, with or without him.
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female
reader, kazzie +, writes (10 March 2020):
kazzie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi AllThank you all for taking the time to reply, you have all been very very helpful.I did what I said I was going to do, and I left the evidence that I had printed out on the table for him to see when he came home from work.Then I went in the car to confront his provider of smut, she nearly died when she saw me, said that she was sorry and that he had crossed the line, she burst into tears because she had upset me.Then I drove to my sisters house, turned the phone off for a good few hours.When I turned it on again, there were so many missed calls and messages from him, oh he was sorry, oh he felt bad yadda yadda yadda.Eventually I told him that I was at my sisters and then he video called me, said point blank that he will not go to counselling, he does not need it, we can sort this out between ourselves, he was mad at me for telling my sister about it, well tough I said.Then he cried, me and my sister just stood looking at him, as if he thought that turning on the tears would work, my sister said to him 'look why don't you just do what she is asking to save your marriage" that did not work.This morning he had video called me again and still point blank said that he will not go to counselling coz he is not that bad, he does not need some person telling him how he is, and getting in his head, I said well come with me and listen to what I have got to say, I want to go to counselling, he said no to that too, and he is fed up with me labelling him.He over talks me, does not listen to me, said that if the ultimatum is counselling or me not going home, he said well stay there then.I have to go back to my home city tonight because I have an appointment that I have to attend tomorrow, so I have booked into a hotel for tonight, I am not going to tell him where I am.He is stubborn, obstinate, and although he has said sorry for what has happened, to me he just wants me back home to continue more of the same rubbish treatment of me.I will take it day by day, at some point I am going to have to go back home, he can go in the spare bedroom, cook his own tea and do his own washing, I am done.He is so much in denial,it's unbelievable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): Your husband is a pig. Too many women hang onto these old pervs thinking they can't find anyone else at their age or that they've been married to these SCUMBAGS for decades that they are obligated to stay put and take such disrespectful and cruel treatment. Well, all the women who think this way, including you, would be DEAD WRONG!He will never, ever change. This is the man he is and always was. And you have had ENOUGH disrespect and unacceptable behaviour from him! You're finally reached your breaking point and will no longer pretend he is a good man who loves, respects or cares about you. He stopped doing all those things sweetie. Now it's time for you to take care of yourself, your health and your own well being. Take his power away. It's been in your own hands all along. You just didn't know it.Stay committed to your course. See your lawyer. Start legal proceedings. Leave this jerk with his whore. That's what she is. People like them die alone.I'm glad you are finally seeing him for who he is. And just know life is grand once you get rid of baggage. It's a whole new start and that can be exciting too! Be good to yourself. Ok? You deserve love and kindness. You are worth it. The loser you have been married to isn't!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2020): I commend you on your idea to stay with your sister; and I think it will allow you to get your head together before a full-on confrontation. Leaving the printouts of his escapades message-exchange with his porn-peddling co-conspirator is spot-on!
I want to reiterate my advice about getting your legal-ducks in a row; because his first reaction is to protect and hide his assets. He knows what's coming down the pike; and guys that deep into porn are not likely to give it up.
I'm glad you have family-support; which is closer than just having a friend. Although friends are great and can be as close as a sister or brother; there is something about the love of family that gives you added strength and support.
God bless, guide, and protect you!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2020):
Talk to a divorce solicitor BEFORE leaving your shared home - IF you own it. As that can be used against you, as in "abandonment".
Not sure on the UK laws, which is why I think it's SMART to talk to a lawyer/solicitor before making big choices.
Many States have "no fault" in divorces which means shared property will be divided equally or per already set in places division. But that is the US.
So contact Citizen's advice first (perhaps) and then go from there.
Taking a weekend away at your sisters sounds like a good idea. You can definitely use a break from this.
Good luck, OP
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2020): You can get a divorce on the grounds of mental cruelity. You are working and probably will have a pension at the end of your career so I dont see what is stopping you? Just sit him down and tell him you are unhappy and tell him why, and tell him you want out and that is final. You only live once so why should you spend it being misrable? Have balls and do it.
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female
reader, kazzie +, writes (6 March 2020):
kazzie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear AllThank you all so much for advice, it is helping me to realise the options I have.I will be confronting him over this as I cannot tolerate it much longer, I have been waiting and watching the messages which from him have taken a much more pornagraphic stance in that he has recommended to her that she watches this porno film, and that he is happy that they can both watch and talk about sex, he then finished off byOff by asking her if she is ok with it all, she hasn't replied yet.I have printed off the messages and am going to leave them where he will see them, then I am going to my sisters for the weekend with my phone turned off so he won't be able to contact me. I will probably book into a hotel for the coming week, that is my short term plan. I will have to take it day by day but I know I cannot and will not put up with this treatment.Please wish me luck, it is very difficult and scary to start out on your own after being a couple for so long.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2020): I’m a woman not much younger than you. I read your post and it seems like a horrible situation . You work and he work both full time hey you are doing all the house work shopping a cooking . May I ask why that is ? You do realise that no one forces you to do that right ? If he refuses to do his half then simply lol after your own needs and let him live dirty clothes and take out meals . People will treat us the way we allow them to treat Us . I know your likely thinking you don’t want to live in the filkthy hous he would let build up , thqt used to be my excuse but at the end of the day , it comes down to this . Deal with the fact that you are only prepared to be responsible for you when someone takes advantage of you or be a doormat . As for the porn and other women this is harder I know , because some men can and will be sneaky about it . However in your case you can see what he is doing and it’s hurting you. He is showing no respect for your feelings or you as a woman and it seems he is using you. You have options , these include continuing the way things are , confrontinung him and calling him to change which may or may not be possible or starting a new life afresh where you don’t have to deal with him . These are serious choices and perhaps some outside counselling would be helpful / I wish you all the best
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 March 2020):
I would definitely talk to a solicitor, and I would also think about finding a place YOU can afford on your own closer to work, you don't HAVE to live right next door to family, right?
Figure out what you are financially entitled to and then decide DO I really want to walk away?
If the answer is yes, then I would get my ducks in a row. That means you SECURE all YOUR personal valuables and documents and keep them safe (like a bank safety deposit box) - if you SHARE a bank account open one in YOUR name only for YOUR paycheck.
And look around for a rental that you can afford, that is close to work because I do think you want to keep working, and moving and trying to find a now job on top of a divorce might BE a might much to start out with.
I'd say wait to see if you can find a new job nearer to family (if that is what you wish) once the divorce is final.
The thing with a divorce you don't HAVE to have "proof" of him cheating to file for a divorce, but if you are smart take screenshots of all his "online bad behavior". It might help YOU remember why you are divorcing him.
I watched my mom, staying with my dad who was a HUGE flirt and cheated on my mom several time, and I did tell her she should just divorce and walk away. She chose not to. I wish she had. I think it took a toll on her health having to deal with it or rather live in denial. I think she deserved better than how my dad treated her. And I think YOU deserve better than how your husband is treating you.
Life WILL be different. I would also suggest that you start having a hobby to meet other people. I don't know how your social life is and if you have close friends, but it is NICE to not be totally alone.
You can do it. You already are in a way since you BOTH have emotionally distanced yourselves from each other already. It's just not final or legal yet.
Life is too short to be miserable with someone, when you don't HAVE to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2020): After reading your second post, I'm even more baffled at how you've endured this for so long? Traditionally, the point of marriage is to maintain your union at all costs. You struggle through thick and thin; and you weather the storms together. It's not the full-responsibility of only one partner!
Divorce is justified even in the Bible; when there is adultery, or sexual-perversion. Porn-addiction, chasing strippers, and chit-chatting with whorish-women fall into that category! I seriously doubt he's not sexually-active outside your bedroom! Even if he needs pills and/or a pump; he has probably crossed that line many times over. Maybe not so much in his latter-years; but you have been together for 40 years! Past-history, and every violation ever-since still counts!
Don't fear a life of independence. You work, and you earn your own income; and what's his, is half yours. You can live quite comfortably, and you just might have to consider dating at some point...not before a divorce!
You may have to drag him to marriage-counseling. Give him the final-ultimatum of therapy for his porn-addiction; or demand a divorce, and take everything you deserve with you. You haven't developed that much courage yet; but don't wait until they take you away on a gurney, or plant you in a grave!
Don't give him the satisfaction of out-living you, to cash-in on your life-insurance policy; after driving you to your grave! Statistics say you should out-live HIM!!! Worry and depression ages you prematurely, my dear! Mental-health crisis from emotional-distress could incapacitate you, until you can't work. Bear all this in-mind. You deserve better!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2020): You have every right to be hurt/upset about what your husband is doing. No OP you are not overreacting. I don't know any woman that would be happy with her husband if he was sneaking around like your husband is.
It comes down to you. What is your deal breaker? There are women that don't want to break up their home/marriage and will tolerate their husbands cheating. THey turn a blind eye to such schenanigans assuming that eventually the husband will get tired and will never leave his wife/family. Other woman say "Hell no" and start divorce proceedings. Which one are you?
Divorce proceedings may be a little dramatic right off the bat but you get the idea. If it were me, I'd gather all the dirt and confront my husband. I have zero tolerance for being cheated on. I'd also get some legal advice to where I stood before I confronted my husband but trust me, I would confront him. That's me.
It would not be easy going through a divorce if things should come to that, but you can do it if you have to. You just put one foot in front of the other and start moving ahead. I'm not saying this lightly I know the pain of a divorce-- went through it after 20 years of marriage. You just do what you have to do and go on. Its not easy but its also not easy having a husband that isn't respecting you and not treating you right either. I'd rather be alone that have a lying cheater for a husband!
Good luck with every OP. I know how this must hurt. I wish you all the best.
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reader, kazzie +, writes (4 March 2020):
kazzie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi WiseOwlEThank you for your reply.I have been married to him since I was 18 and am now approaching my 60th birthday. There have been other questionable episodes over the years, like I called him out over him visiting a lap dancing club and propositioning a dancer, of course he was very very sorry and would not do it again, well he hasn't visited one since but then with pocket porn (mobile phone) he doesn't need to, and he always said that he would "deal" with his porn use, that has turned out to be that he is now very clever at hiding it, and not doing anything about it all.He still sexually objectifies women when we are out together and on the TV and will say stuff like "she's fit" in front of me, and he thinks there is nothing wrong with that kind of talk.We do not have any children, and I have worked full time all of my life, I am still in full time work, when I finish work, I do a shop, go home, cook the tea, clean the house, do the laundry at the weekends. When he is off work, he doesn't lift a finger to help as it's his "rest days", oh he cuts the grass and then wants me to help him do that, but that's only seasonal.To be honest in my heart of hearts I know that he is a pervert, he hides it well, on the surface he comes across as a really decent clean living bloke, with a nice house, nice car, and a nice wife, but secretly he is wanting something else, but not wanting to leave me, basically he wants his cake and eat it.I wish he would leave me, at least then he has made the decision, but he won't do that as he takes no responsibility for anything, I deal with everything.He can be affectionate and want a cuddle, but again that is when he wants to do it, not if I want to do it, he would push me away.I will confront him, I don't know when yet, I expect it will be when I have made a plan for myself as my family do not live in the same city as me and I would not be able to commute to work as it is too far.I will keep you posted, and thank you again for your response.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2020): You're far from overreacting. Your husband of 40 years is chatting-up with a woman who sends him porn. They're too chummy, and neither seems to care about the fact he's married.
It's likely they're a couple of pigs, who mainly share an interest in porn. She's his "supplier" so to speak. You haven't mentioned that they're actually having a romantic-affair. I guess she sends him material and they flirt. The typical Jezebel story.
You may as well confront your husband about what you know; considering you know so much about what's going on. How can you ask the question if you're overreacting? Come-on...seriously?!!
It's time to confront him and decide where things go from here. He can't have a full-fledged physical-affair, because of impotence; but receiving porn photos from a woman who probably performs or poses for porn sites, is reason enough to react!!! You're his wife!
As usual, the fear we know all too well here at DC; women terrified of being divorced, alone, and over 50. He dishonors you and your marriage. You know full well what you must do.
Suddenly your financial-security is disrupted or threatened. You've been totally dependent on a man most of your adult-life; and now you're fearful of the unknown.
How long can you endure this? I suppose it depends on how much you can stand, and how willing you are to look the other-way. You can live in-denial, but not indefinitely. Sooner or later, you will have to do something about it.
It's not up to people who have never met either of you to tell you to leave him; but don't let fear stand in your way. How is living like you are tolerable? How could life after divorce be worse? What makes you think he won't get the notion in his head to leave you anyway?
This will take an emotional-toll on you. First you'll go into depression. Your physical-health will fail. Meanwhile, and he'll continue doing what he's doing right under your nose.
He's going from bad to worse. You think pretending to be unaware, or allowing it, keeps you safe and secure? The longer this continues, the bolder and more calloused he gets.
Consult with a divorce attorney, and find-out your rights; and how to maintain your financial-security. Get your legal-ducks in a row. Half of his is yours.
If you have to work to support yourself; that's what you'll have to do. Choosing the option to be like so many women, and trying to live with the knowledge they have a rotten philandering-husband, has driven women to drugs, alcohol, and madness. It has even put a lot of women in an early grave. How strong is your survival-instinct? I suppose he's putting it to the test!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2020): Ask him very sweetly why he is happy to be married to you and what attribute about you he thinks are worth complimenting . Seeing as he is so quick to compliment the other women he should find it extremely easy to have wayyy more compliments for his own wife . If he fails to find anything positive about you perhaps you need to point out to him how could venting it is that he finds it so easy to compliment another women yet not you. Sometimes it’s easier just to confront these things head on . You know regardless of whether you have been together that long or not it’s not a life sentence , you may find yourself happier leaving rather than being with a man who isn’t able to define one positive trait about you when he clearly doesn’t have a pirivlen noticing and verbalising them in other women I’m sure 1000 percent there are other men who would notice and compliment you on your good qualities just the way he does to that woman . I’m a woman who was married a very long time too to a man very similar to your husband and believe me I know it’s a horrible feeling.
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