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female
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*eb
writes: I've got a real problem with my family members. I got divorced some time ago and made sure the divorce judgement specified that I would return to using my maiden name. Again and again I've told my family members that I am using my maiden name and again and again they direct mail to me under my ex's surname. I got married again last year and again informed my family that I would be using my maiden name, even though I am married. I explained that this was my choice and that my new husband is very happy that I want to use my maiden name. He has no problem with it and feels that the tradition of having to use your husband's surname is extremely outdated. Tell that to my family who now send holiday cards and other correspondence to me not only using my husband's surname but even going so far as to use my ex-husband's surname!!!! I think this is very disrespectful. How would you handle this?
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (20 January 2006):
 Your family obviously have issues with your change(s) of name. Have you confronted them and asked them why exactly? Then when they have had their say you can calmly sit and state your wishes. If they still do not comply there is nothing further you can do except not respond to anything not addressed correctly. Then when your family member speaks to you about it you have grounds to tell them it didn't appear to be addressed to you!
If this doesn't work and/or they don't take you seriously, then you seem to have no choice but to cut them off. But do whatever it is you feel comfortable with as that will be the correct route. Do not put up with anything that makes you angry/sad/frustrated. Life is too short.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, Deb +, writes (19 January 2006):
Deb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately, I feel that I have no choice but to drastically reduce contact with offending family members. I don't think they like the fact that I'm freely exercising my own choices. No other woman in my family has been as independent about making life decisions. Seems I've always walked to the beat of a different drummer. Actually, I am the first in my family to get a divorce. I was not willing to stay in a failed relationship just to "keep up appearances." I wanted to find happiness on my own terms. I guess, with respect to "family tradition," my independence is just too much for my family to bear. As much as it hurts, I have to stay as far away from them as possible. A very sad state of affairs. All advice is deeply appreciated.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (19 January 2006):
 It IS disrespectful. Your family are being passive-aggressive. Obviously you've gathered that there is much more behind this issue than the choice of name. It certainly appears on the surface that they didn't support your choice to divorce your first husband and now feel they can "punish" you by reminding you that you were once 'Mrs Ex-Husband'. Only you and your family can work out what this is *really* about, and ultimately you're going to have to speak up to them and really mean it, if you want them to change their behaviour.
In the meantime if you want to make a point, simply refuse any mail addressed to the wrong name. Write "return to sender - not at this address" over the front and pop it back in the mail. In a day or two, when they get it back, they might being to understand how important this issue is to you.
Yes, it is a fairly harsh tactic, but then your family are demonstrating that they're pretty hard-headed, too. (Besides, you're unlikley to miss receiving a greeting card, when the purpose of sending it was to make you feel bad about your choices.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2006): If this sounds harsh it isn't meant to. Stop replying to things that are not addressed correctly. Then when the family member brings it up you can say "oh, I didn't realise that was for me, sorry" It may cause friction in the short term, but it should sort things out in the long term......
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2006): First of all, say my family name is Chan and my wife's family name is Liu, I would change my family name after marriage to Chan-Liu or Liu-Chan, doesn't matter which order.
Deb, if your family is unable to change their habits, then there is nothing else you can do that isn't extreme... 8]
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A
female
reader, lizabeth +, writes (18 January 2006):
you need to properly confront your family and say that this doesn't just anger you but it hurts you also. this is your decision, your name, you life. state that to them. say you are not doing this for a 'trend,' your doing it for personal reasons. and using your ex's surname must be getting to your current husband! if it is tell them that!!!! or to make it all fair ask your family not to send you holiday cards, say its jamming the letter box or something lol. good luck xxxx
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