A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so it is my 19th birthday today, so this may sound trivial, but it's important to me. When I was growing up, it was a tradition to make birthday/anniversary/Christmas/thank you cards for family. That continued for me and my older brother until we were about 13, he stopped bothering with those celebrations for other people (not just not making cards but not bothering to get them or say anything either). I still make them because I can't afford to buy them and I enjoy putting effort into them (though I don't draw because that's my creative weak point and I like them to look decent and nice). In spite of this, I have not once had a homemade card from anyone in my family (particularly those who live with me). This time, for the past 3 months, I've been saying to my parents that I would really like them to make me a birthday card, just this once, and not bother to buy one if they won't make one. My dad always buys cards and NEVER writes something in them, other than the recipient's name and his name. So, I made it extra clear (fortnightly reminders) that, if he wasn't going to make one, I didn't want him to buy one because it's unoriginal for me and I don't want a card that was somebody else's words and generic feelings. I wasn't even expecting the cards to be fancy, but just products of my parents' efforts. My mum used to make cards but has just been buying them ever since my brother stopped bothering (about 8 years ago), but we still have loads of stock in the house for when I make them.I wake up today and it's just any normal day because my own birthdays don't hold much meaning for me, these cards were the only important things to me, and I get handed two envelopes and a piece of paper that my brother scribbled a smudged "happy birthday" on in pencil. I basically said "with all due respect, I'm going to have to refuse to open these envelopes" because they were stamped with the card shop logo and they were thin enough to see the generic "for my daughter on her birthday" designs. I left the room and didn't say anything else. I'd already requested that there be no "presents" because I don't need them and didn't want them to spend any money, so they stuck to that bit.I feel very disappointed, upset and a bit hurt that I didn't even get one homemade card, nor did they listen to me not wanting them to buy cards even if they didn't bother to make one. Just a tiny bit of creative effort on/for one day. Am I wrong to feel let down by this? I know it may not be a big deal to some and you'll wonder what else has gone on to make this so major for me, but the fact is just that I don't get much effort from them ever and this was one thing that was really important to me.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2020): In some ways you remind me of my mother. She was forever making demands. As soon as I was 15 it started. She wanted every penny I earned. She wanted me to do all of the housework, cleaning, chores and shopping and more. Her attitude as that as she had given birth to me she owned me and I owed her big time and had no life of my own. If she sent me a birthday card and I said thank you that was not enough. I had to say it over and over again with loads of enthusiasm and gratitude and over look that she bought the cheapest card in the shop. Eventually I could stand this no longer and stopped visiting her and stopped speaking to her. I had moved out as soon as I was able to.
If you really believe that your parents should do whatever you demand then acknowledge they do not love you enough and move out, stand on your own feet, get your own place, pay all of the bills out of your own money.
But no relationship will ever work out for you if you think you can give people a list of demands and find fault if you do not get them all ticked off. The reason my relationship with my partner works so well is because we both please each other, not just one doing all of the work. We both make equal effort and both appreciate the other. Neither of us are freeloaders or users or demanding.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2014): I'm curious, when you gave 'two week reminders' to your parents, did you actually ask them if this was okay for them and wait for an answer? Did they ever say 'don't worry- we won't forget' or anything which confirmed that they were actually going to make the cards?It seems odd that you 'communicated' this wish to them so often and yet it still got to the day before you realised that they weren;t going to oblige with your request. It seems harsh if they agreed to this without even countering this with any apology on the day; so perhaps they gave you clues not to get your hopes up beforehand? Are your parents very busy people?Also, is it not worth opening the cards to see if they added any written sentiment/ drew pictures etc?If you are not close to your parents and don't get on is there any reason why you still live at home?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): I'm assuming you meant that you all used to make cards for people outside the home and each other but your parents never made the children's cards? I might have that wrong, but that's what I thought when I read over it a few times.I understand how you feel if your card and gift was all wrapped up in one and they'd agreed to do it. If they didn't agree, then you can't really expect them to do it. It would have just been a bonus. So, I'd assume they did agree to it and that's why you're so upset?To be honest, I don't think you'll hold a grudge about this, but apologise for being ungrateful and explain why, then ask them nicely why they didn't make the card. I'm assuming they had a few days/weeks time off to make the cards; if they didn't and they work full time, you'd be expecting too much - so I suppose, by the sounds of the rest of your post, you were making sure they'd have the chance to do it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 I get it, I really do. I've been married for over 25 years and this year was the first time I can remember getting the birthday present right. There are so many ways to get it wrong. I almost got it wrong again this year. Her b-day is in july and I had a conversation with her in June about my watch. We were together when it reset and I couldn't get it to find the correct time. She mentioned that I had always insisted on a certain brand and quality level so I could rely on my watch, and this time I had let economics convince me to step down a notch in quality. Then she mentioned that she had never had a good watch like mine.
Lightbulb
I decided that she wanted a watch like mine. So I went online and looked up the womens models. Picked out a few for her to choose from, and asked her to help me choose. They were not her style at all. Major oops. So I got a feel for what she wanted to wear, then she did the smart thing and told me to make the final decision. It was important to her that I prove that I knew her well enough to pick something she would like. I did consult with my Daughter. I also made sure there were no metals that would annoy her skin.
Then came the important part. When the box arrived I made her wait until her birthday to open it. The anticipation and the curiosity made it a special day. No card no wrapping and I still got it right, who would know.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 July 2014):
 It sounds like you set them up for a test they were bound to fail. The test being "if only they do x, that will prove that they love me the way I want them to."
Obviously, they failed the test. Why? Maybe because they assume that a 19 year old is a woman, not a child.
You've been worrying about this and setting a trap for 3 months. They fell into it. Congratulations.
Now what?
Now that you know they aren't going to play arts and crafts to humor a rather petulant girl-child, it's time to accept that.
Setting more traps to prove that they don't demonstrate their love in the way you want no doubt will be successful too. I wonder how often that happens? That's why you feel so let down.
Do you really want to live like this? Pouting because they didn't play arts and crafts for you? Aren't there more productive and healthier uses for your time and energy?
I'm sure they love you in their own way, I expect there is a lot more to this, it sounds very much like a case of learned helplessness on your part. You can google that to learn more.
I think you behaved like a much younger and more immature girl than one would expect of a 19 year old.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2014):
 Like Auntie Cindy, so lovely explained about her family's Easter egg tradition, I think that is how your family sees homemade cards.
Honestly, making a card with your own two hands doesn't mean you LOVE someone more, or CARE for them more then if you bought one from the store.
For whatever reason you equate handmade card with love. Like it is the CORRECT and ONLY way for your family to show YOU, that they LOVE YOU.That if people don't create a card for you, they must not care. YOU are wrong. But you got it backwards. THEY should show how THEY love YOU in THEIR way, not your way.
If you feel LOVE is a handmade card then please go ahead and handmade cards for your love ones. Because, THAT is how you like to show you love them.
Get it?
Like Auntie Cindy, my family (I have 3 daughters) have certain traditions when it comes to birthdays. I bake (from scratch) whatever type cake they want (chocolate, cheesecake, red velvet, marble, vanilla... whatever they pick) and the other two sisters help decorate it. One year I was in the hospital having my gallbladder removed and I wasn't up to baking and decorating, so *gasp* I bought a cake. The cake was good, the birthday girl was happy. I didn't LOVE this daughter ANY less that year.
I think you ARE making WAY to big a deal out of this. And I think you need to *pardon for sounding old here*.... grow up.
...............................
A
female
reader, hilary  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 I get the impression that you wanted them to make you a card simply to prove your point - that they care. There are other ways people can prove they care, by feeding you, by putting a roof over your head, by listening to you and spending time with you or helping you when you are ill...and to make you birthday special in whatever way they can shows they love you. Maybe they are busy or just not the type to fiddle around making cards. You are trying to control them. Do this or you do not love me is control. Why try to control them? Why do they have to prove they love you? What do YOU do to prove you love them?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 July 2014):
 I have to be honest... you sound whiny and bratty to me.
If I got my kid a card (and granted our cards have checks or cash in them) and he declined to open it since it did not meet his requirements, that would be the LAST time I ever did anything for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 You should talk to them and ask them why they bought you a card after all, because it meant so much to you to have a home made card. Now, you can't force someone to do something for you, you need to understand that. A gift is a gift, not an obligation. You should always be thankful, and you were rude to not accept the cards. You should have accepted them and be grateful, yet have a conversation with your family about why you were not given a home made card. You need to listen to what they have to say as well, instead of just demand this and that. I realize it's important for you to have a home made card, and it wouldn't be that much of a bother for them to make you one, yet for some reason they didn't, and honestly you are not in a position to make demands. Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you get to dictate what other people do or don't do.
You need to talk to them about this and hear them out, rather than jump to conclusions. Why did they buy you cards instead? Why did they not give you what you wished for? You should be GRATEFUL either way, remember this. When speaking to them, be genuinely grateful that they made something special out of your birthday, even if it was just a bought card from a store. To you it might be little, to others it could be the world. So don't dismiss it completely. And then just listen to them and see if you can't come to an understanding of one another. Maybe you weren't clear enough. Maybe it wasn't just your brother who didn't care about the cards, maybe you didn't care either? I mean you talk as if you never got a hand made card in your life, yet that doesn't make sense if these cards were typical for gifts up until just 8 years ago. So that means you DID get cards too, back then.
Not all people are creative. At all. Okay, you need to remember that. It's not really fair that you make demands that people do this or that for you just because it's your birthday, even if to YOU it seems like not a problem at all. But you're not them. You've been making these cards all the time, they HAVEN'T. And there is probably a reason behind that. For you it is easy, for them it is not.
Now, I'd be incredibly bummed out and hurt as well, believe me. I know how you feel. I'd be in my room moping and crying about it, especially if it was around that time of the month... But still, when looking at it without mixing in all these feelings, you got to be grateful and not make demands... Try to talk to them and hear them out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): H
:)
P P Y
BiRTH d
*
Y :)
eFFORT goes a Long way...especially on S
p
e
C
i
A
L Days*****
Even on a computer it did not take much time or effort.
Have a good day and please don't let it spoil it, however you must remember the ART of RECIEVING is just as IMPORTANT as the GIVING.
This is about other values/ideas you have that run a lot deeper than the cards.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 As you say, I don't know the background story, but without it, yes, it feels you are majorly overreacting, for a series of reasons.
First, when my son was a child I used to make him specally decorated Easter eggs, it would take me even 2 hours. Now that he is 24- he gets no Easter eggs:) You may object that if he specifically ASKED for a hand painted Easter egg, I SHOULD comply, but no, I do not see it this way. That was an appropriate way to express my affection at a certain stage of his life, now we can express our mutual affection in other different and more appropriate ways , like running errands for each other, or cooking specials meals, or buying each other presents etc.etc.
Maybe your parents aren't the expressive ,artistic types and the handmade cards weren't really their thing, they did it to indulge you- but the way you nduge a child is not the way you indulge an adult.
Second, never look a gifted horse in its mouth. What's this "I want this, I want that- yes to cards, no to money etc. etc." It's not for you to say ! It's rude !. You can express a preference, a wish- but you cannot issue a diktat. It's not for you to decide how specifically they should celebrate your birthday. You can express a preference ( and get disapponted that your suggestion is dismissed , that's natural ) but that was it, a suggestion, not an obligation. Be thankful that you have parents and a sibling who remember your birthday and wish you the best at all !- in their own way.
Third, maybe in good faith they did not get how big of a deal was that for you. " But I told them ! " . Yes , but look at the context. Your birthday is like any normal day for you, you want no presents, no special treats , basically in your house you don't do birthdays. Your father has ALWAYS being buying ready made cards , the other stopped eons ago doing them- then all of a sudden you want something special and different.. looking at the general context , it is EASY to miss that this one single detail was so important.
Lastly, ... I suppose, ( I don't know but I suppose ) that basically you wanted a bit of cuddling, a bit of pampering, a bit of fussing about you. Maybe your parents are the no frills types, not a lot of hugs and kisses, not a lot of cute nicknames , or terms of endearment... look, I understand it may suck, I'll tell you more, I feel a little pang of envy when I hear my BIL calling his daughters " my gorgeous adorable little princess ", I was raised with affection yes, but in more sober , less effusive terms,.. and yet, if your parents aren't the sentimental, Hallmarkish types, what you want to do, you've got to take them as they are, you can't expect them to behave in a way that 's not " them "- hopefully they have other ways, less obvious , less obstentatious, and yet still solid and valid, to CARE about you .
...............................
|
