A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice desperately. Sorry this will be quite long :(In the past, when I lived with my parents, we had a horrible relationship. I'm not the type to paint myself as the innocent victim but in this situation, I never really did anything to deserve the treatment I got. My sister has struggled from mental illness since her mid teens and when she got sick, she became almost permanently psychotic. Everyone was afraid of her having an episode i.e. overreacting to something so small resulted in such extreme anger that she would violently lash out, verbally and physically - usually both at me. She was so severe my father often had to hold her down to stop her hurting someone or herself.I became the chosen outlet in the house and my parents actively encouraged it because if it wasn't me, it was my dad or my mum and it was much more comfortable for the both of them to have me as the hated, isolated one. I will forever feel deep anger about the number of years I experienced this. Not that I can ever express that to them.So anyway, technically there were things I did that started trouble, like leaving a pot in the sink that I didn't have time to rinse before I went off to work. Something that small for instance would result in me getting home, hearing everyone talking about what a f*cking useless pig I am and how I should move out. I had installed a lock on my bedroom door for my safety, I paid rent every week I lived at home since I first started working.. it was a horrible, toxic, fearful environment but I stayed till I was in late 20's, crazy I know, because I thought if I left, my dad was the weak link. My sister would turn on him and he had been through a nervous breakdown and just wouldn't cope with that. She would manipulate my mother to turn against him and it would be 2 on 1. It happened so much over the years and it was only the fact I was there as another outlet that kept things from falling apart, and I always thought, ending fatally.In the end, I left the house and moved in with my partner and we've been happily living together for the past few years. I had always thought all the hatred was because of me, something about me they all didn't like (even though I knew my sister was very sick and needed help.. I always had that irrational fear anyway).Anyway, my partner and I are very happy together. Can't believe I hadn't moved out sooner. When you're beaten down, you feel so overwhelmed and lose confidence and people can make you think you won't be strong enough to leave. Anyway, we are doing well.Since leaving home, I have done my best to keep a relationship going with my parents, even my sister (smalltalk when I have to) - as hard as that is with all the abuse I suffered - but for my parents sake. I am the doormat/peacekeeper right till the end!My parents and I now have this wierd, superficial relationship where they'll occasionally come over for a meal and vice versa.. but it feels so phony and acted. Years of abuse.. so much has happened. When I left home I never contacted them for 6 months and they never phoned me once to say they were sorry they made it so unbearable for me. Actually I never left, they actually kicked me out.. over something as small as a knife I forgot to put into the dishwasher I can't remember the EXACT thing that triggered it.. something equally as petty. And now they live with my sister and she torments them daily - one is always on the outer. They don't discuss it with me too much now that I'm out of the situation but have gone as far to admit the same issues are still happening WITHOUT me there. Kind of makes me relieved now I know I was never the problem.Anyway, my partner and I are trying for a family now and it's been very stressful. I stupidly, in an attempt to have somewhat of a NORMAL mother/daughter relationship, opened up to my mum about the situation. I don't have any close girlfriends and so I haven't confided in anyone else about it and figured I could or SHOULD be able to trust my mother. She owes me that much!Since talking to her about it in a moment of weakness, she's been like a dog with a bone. I can't talk to her about anything else! It's all she wants to talk about.. my age.. how my biological clock's ticking.. how we need to go get poked with tubes and blood tests and look into inseminations. My partner is feeling stressed at the idea we may have to go through these sorts of procedures and my mother is thoughtless enough to continue bringing it up in EVERY phonecall, even today when she visited and my partner was in the other room! I've recently been trying not to think about TTC. It can seriously take over your life and become an obsession. I've been getting on with life (since sitting around obsessing about FSH levels and joining online forums doesn't increase fertility, but it's not good enough for my mother. If I try talking to her about ANYTHING else i.e. the garden, our home.. she drags the conversation right back to TTC and starts asking all sorts of embarrassing questions!Today, she had me in tears and then left the house, leaving my partner to deal with me in my sobby state for the rest of the afternoon. I felt so angry for that. But since leaving home, I've never had a fight with her. I'm too scared. If I've ever, in the past, diplomatic and calmly explained that something she did has hurt me, she turns it round on herself, acts like SHE'S the victim and the entire family rallies around and hurls abuse at me.Example - When we were away on an overseas holiday years ago, my partner and I, I get this email from my mum telling me she's put my cat to sleep because his arthritis had gotten too painful. I was so upset and emailed her back saying I was shocked she would do this without giving me the chance to say goodbye! I then got abusive emails from my father and sister for upsetting my mother.. so that's what happens when I'm honest about how I feel. I can never win.So tonight when she text me and asked if I was OK. I told her I wasn't and didn't want to discuss TTC anymore. She will now gather all the support and sympathy she can from the other two and I will be in for an attack tomorrow. It's bringing all the pain back because I haven't been honest with them like this since I left home.What do I do about my family? How am I supposed to deal with this sort of thing? Does anyone else deal with this? I don't want to stay resentful but it's such a strain just dealing with them daily after everything that's happened.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 August 2014):
 Having been here on Dear Cupid for quite some time now, there's generally the feeling that you get that you've seen it all, until I read a post like yours that really shakes me up. Its appalling the kind of abuse that you've tolerated and how your sister has gone scot-free, all in the guise of mental illness. Bullshit. I dont buy a word of that. She's just a manipulative person who enjoys making life miserable for others because even a mentally ill person wouldn't be so vindictive and bitter. The difference between them and your sister is that they cant help their behavior but your sister CAN. She chooses not to. I don't buy this nonsense of you being responsible for her "moods" and the fact that she should be allowed to yell at you because that's what she wants. That's not mental illness, that's just wickedness.
Your therapist was right all alone.
YOU are not the problem. You never WERE the problem. It was your family that was the problem all along.
You were meek and non-confrontational and that's exactly what they wanted. They wanted someone whom they could dump all their poison on and they found you. I'm actually surprised that parents could be this biased and mean towards their own daughter.
If your mom credits herself for the fact that you have a good life now, then let her be happy in her bubble. That just goes to show what a sad, frustrated person she is that she actually thinks that kicking her own daughter out of the house was a blessing in disguise! Can we ever imagine doing this to the people we love?!!
OP give yourself credit for the fact that you are self-made. You are a lovely person, you have a relationship with a man who makes you happy and you have built a life for yourself from scratch, when you were left on the streets to fend for yourself like a wounded animal.
Now tell me, what's the worse that can happen of you cut your family off from your life? Ask yourself that question. What is the worst that can happen?
I'll tell you what.
It will just about be the wisest that you will have ever done.
They just dump their shit on you in any case and you've never got any love, affection, respect or understanding from them so now its about time that you stand up and say, "Enough is Enough".
I've said this before and I'll say this again. Mental illness is NO excuse to act the way your sister does. Your parents and your sister are all made for each other and you are the odd one out. That's why they've picked on you, because you were/are an easy target.
Stand up once and for all and tell them that you are not a part of their lives anymore. You are dead for all they care. You will deal with your life on your terms and you want nothing to do with them anymore. Its time for you to finally life the way YOU want to, without the fear of constantly offending/angering them. You've given them all you could and now you have nothing left to offer.
Just take a stand once and then see how things play out. I bet they'll be stunned out of their wits to see you in a new light.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): Oh my God. This advice is absolutely amazing! This page of posts from you all has been more helpful than any therapy I've ever paid for!
Wow thank you so much. I keep checking for new posts. It's such brilliant thoughtful advice. I am usually an advice dispenser to people I know but when YOU'RE in the situation you really can't clearly see what to do.
Thanks guys :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): You are knowing what to expect ABUSE AND transference, why keep the job as whipping boy? Your family are emotionally abusive and will NEVER change. However YOU can chang, it's quite simple STAY AWAY have as little to do with them as possible. You will say BUT they are my family...so what! hitler belonged to some family i guess 'just because they are family we think that it is our duty to take the crap that is hurled at us. I have news for you, it is your choice as to if you put up with this. Dont waste time and energy trying talking to cloth ears about how they urt you,it will always be your fault, you will always be to blame...even if you are not around. Why do you feel the need to be in close contact or regular contact? you obviously don't have a good time when you are together and to put YOUR pet down without your consent is criminal in my eyes and shows the amount of consideration they have for your feelings. I would cut all ties especially with a manipulative borderline personality sister, let the proffessionals help her or your troubles will never end.I know this sounds hard, it is meant to be hard because if you are too soft, you will be trodden into the ground by family. Just have a stress free life away from their trivia and poison.Do it gently but be firm, no need to even explain just gradually withdraw to a happy safe distance and meet once in a while.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): I reread your advice Anonymous123. I'm going to follow that & stand up for myself, starting today!! And for once, I don't care about the trouble it's going to cause because I don't have to live in that house anymore. And you're right, they don't respect me so what's the point of being non-confrontational. Thank you :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): I'm going to tell you something very valuable here that I had to wait 39 years and wade through many therapists to find out and endure much heartbreak in between.If you are like me, and my family is unsupportive and mean too, you don't trust your parents and you cannot say no to them. Therefore when you say yes it's a capitulation. This is deadly. It poisons everything else in your life.I would go no contact. It's a boundary that works. I've done it and my health and mental well being have dramatically improved. I never knew how much stress it was for me until it was all gone.Maybe you want to try therapy with them? I tried lots of things with my family. It took a final, traumatic emotional and physical crisis for me to see that I get ZERO support from them. When I am down they kick me. I would go no contact before you have to learn the lesson the hard way. Because it's bad now, and it might feel like it cannot get worse because you're so brave, like I was, but it can get much, much worse. Not for them, for you. Believe it. Keep taking care of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): Your situation isn't unusual, often one member of a family becomes a scapegoat of one sort of another. I'm very sorry this happened to you and pretty much ruined your childhood and early adult life. It's unfortunate that you weren't able to be more aggressive with them.However your family's situation and interaction is extremely toxic and I think you need to take a step back, take a year break with no contact and get some therapy for yourself before you lose your sanity and your relationship. Then if you decide to keep your family in your life you need to insist that you all go to group therapy first so that they can realize that what they did and are continuing to do, as parents especially, and as a sister(albeit mentally disturbed but fully aware of what she is doing) is VERY wrong.I would think very carefully about ever letting your parents and sister have anything to do with your children if you become pregnant because they have proven beyond a doubt that they are unfit as parents from how badly they handled your sister's mental health situation and because your sister seems intent on the destruction of all those close to her. I wonder if she is on medication because she definitely needs more help than she is getting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): I do have a part to play in this. I should've never opened up to my mother, expecting things to be any different.
I know what you're all saying. I SHOULD have & was definitely JUSTIFIED in cutting them all out of my life forever but I kept thinking that resentment is like drinking poison. Makes you sick & bitter when you hold grudges. I know that probably makes me a doormat though. Plus my mother would be crying all the time, playing the victim. Oh God, I can't believe I'm worried about what will happen in that house if I wipe them?!! What's wrong with me?
At times, my mother openly credits herself for how good my life is now, how my partner & I have a beautiful new home & are happy together & it's thanks to her kicking me out. Can you actually believe that? She actually takes credit for helping my life be better!!!
Oh & my partner fully knows how crazy the family is. When we met, my sister was normal. He watched her transition into the psycho she is today & over time, witnessed the entire dynamic change. No one outside the family would ever know what goes on but he used to visit & she'd be in the middle of a psychotic rage against my parents over something at the time. They didn't seem to worry about putting on the fake happy family routine in front of my partner. Actually no one ever spoke to him at that time, because he was with me. He got to see the whole thing, nuts & all.
A huge thanks to all three of you, especially Anonymous123. I appreciate you taking the time to write such a long post. Reminds me of how passive I've dealt with all of this though. Never yelled at them. Just tried to leave it all in the past.
And they don't feel bad about anything they ever did. My sister lives there now rent free. Has never paid anything toward the house. Has crashed their car multiple times. Steals money from them, so I've heard. Orders my mum all over town to buy her things. But she is still & always will be treated like a queen.
I went over there for another superficial filled-with-smalltalk dinner with them about a year ago & when my sister continuously ran me down in her own subtle sarcastic way (that's when she's in a good mood), I said nothing & left the room. THAT was enough to get her into one of her rages & the anger grew so severe, that again, even after everything that's happened, my dad turned on me for "starting this whole thing" because he thought that would settle her down. That was just one night with them having dinner! And it still didn't calm her down. I had to sit there & be yelled at for half an hour until I said sorry (to defuse the situation.. otherwise I was worried she'd get a brain bleed or something).
My dad's a chain smoker & in poor health & I often feel like I need to try harder to help him quit but the whole family dynamic has been such a strain. I just find myself trying to switch off from their problems. I'm sick of caring. They don't give a thought to me.
And yeah, throughout those years of abuse, I was going to therapy too. $140 an hour. My parents had, years back, arranged my sister to see someone, medication & all that - neither of which she ever did more than once. But I stuck with my therapy & in every visit, my psychologist would say to me, "You don't need to be here. It's not you with the problem. You need to get out of that house!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): This is just a catch 22 situation that isn't ever going to change. You need to just take your family in small doses, and try to keep it as civil as you can.If you have a baby, surely you don't want it growing up amongst this animosity, so you need to let the past go. You can't change it, and I think there may be too much water under the bridge for the relationships to ever me normal. BUT you can maintain a civil relationship with them.Its nice to know other people feel how I feel- We've been trying for a family too, and it is so stressful!!! People asking intrusive questions doesn't help stress. And stress, they say, could be the very thing preventing you concieving!!! Just say that TTC is something you feel very sensitive about atm, and you don't want to talk about it. If ( and I hope you get pregnant and don't need to) you get to the testing stage, please try not to see it as a bad thing. It could be just the help you need to finally concieve, if they did find something amiss, so don't despair if results don't come back perfect. Your family use you as an outlet of pain, and you don't deserve it and never did. Leave all this crap in the past and focus on the future for you, your partner and your future baby...while maintaining a civil relationship with your family.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (9 August 2014):
I really feel bad for you OP, life has truly been awful for you. You cant really be faulted for anything, you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time and because you kept quiet and accepted whatever was dished out to you, you got a very raw deal.
I was just talking to my mum about this very thing today. Independent women and women who take charge without complaining are (mostly) always left to fend for themselves. Its almost as if others think, "Oh she can do it, she's fine, she doesnt need help". On the other hand, women who play damsels-in-distress are just lapped up by men. Women who sit at home doing nothing have doting husbands fawning upon them because these are the women who say, "I'm a babe in the woods, I need a man to protect me and hold my hand to cross the road". They are the most molly-coddled because it makes the man feel like a hero.
Anyway, coming to your family, your sister knew very early on that she could scream and shout and get her way and your parents would always give in. They were WRONG and unjust and you did the right thing moving out. I would normally never say this about parents but in your case, you had truly awful parents who never understood you. They vented their frustrations out on YOU because it was the easiest option for them. When they were fed up of your sister, they didnt know who to turn to to channel their anger, so they found you. You were always the meek one who never uttered a word and it was the classic case of dumping on someone who was meek and never complained.
As for what's happening now, you need to be firm with your mom and if need be, even cut her out of your life. I'm sorry to say this, but really, how has your family EVER helped you, stood by you, supported you, made you happy??
Have they ever had a good word to say?
Have they ever been someone you could rely on?
OP listen to me. YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Enough is enough, you don't have to please them anymore, you are DONE being nice. If you don't take a stand now then your boyfriend too will not tolerate this for much longer because your mom is actively interfering in your life and no guy would like or accept that. Added to it is the fact that you're constantly worried for your family and have to walk on eggshells around them and I'm sure you talk about this often with your boyfriend. I'm sure he stands by you and explains things to you but for how long?
OP tell your mom that your personal life is not open for discussion and she is NO ONE to keep harping on it. She has never been a mother to you, she has been affectionate, she has never given you the love that one associates with a mother. Why then is she so concerned now?
Ask your father and sister to keep their noses out of your life and tell them that if this drama goes on any longer then you will have no option but to completely cut them all out of your life.
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve a life that you've dreamed of.
Enough of this nonsense, enough of this family drama, just take a stand and put an end to all this. Remember, you have to speak up. If you choose to be non-confrontational and just bear everything quietly then its never going to end. It'll be unpleasant but its about time that its done.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): You decide if they are worth keeping around and then you tell them your decision. Maybe taking a year long break from any contact with them will help you decide if you can still tolerate them.
I do think you need therapy though; you're not over it and it will seep into your life eventually, even without them there.
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A
male
reader, John1999  +, writes (9 August 2014):
You don't deal with it at all. It seems like your sister opens a door filled with anger that your family will turn on to the weakest link in the family...you. also sounds like your family is in pain from something and instead of turning on a girl with a mental problem, they go to you to release all that anger. I have had this problem before and did nothing for awhile until I decided to go to therapy with my family and they eventually came to.
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