A
female
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*ovial
writes:Hi cupidsHere it goes my ex and I broke it off 3yrs ago we have a son together who turned 9 this year, we had an on/off rship for almost 10yrs during this time I got very close to his family and friends and the same went for him we were hoping to get married but things didn’t work-out probably because we were not meant to be. His grandmother and sister-in-law are very fond of me and my son, because of this they didn’t take our break-up too well I kept the friendship with them until last year april when my ex got married I distanced myself from them because I didn’t want to put his wife or myself in an awkward situation she is their new family member and I felt she deserved such respect. And another thing there is still this huge chemistry between us (his granny said it is fate which I don’t agree) if we are together you will say we are a couple and we had serious problems keeping our partners as they were threatened by it. The good thing is I managed to keep one and we are so much inlove, he is really great and he never felt threatened by all this as it was becoming very frustrating for me, anyway no more commercial breaks.So I told only his sister-in-law that we cant stay friends under the circumstances although it was hard she understood how difficult it was gonna be for her to be my friend and stay loyal to her new sister-in-law, but the grandmother never understood that and even today she keep saying her grandson should have married me anyway that is her opinion and the root of my dilemma because she keeps inviting me to her house and I keep making excuses so now she said she is coming over to my house and stay for a few days and she is not asking she is telling me because I have to stop avoiding her. I know I can tell my partner she is visiting her great-grandson but we both know it’s a lie and the truth is I don’t want to loose my beau over this nonsense or create a tension between us, but I cant tell him the reason for her visit because if I do he will resent her during her visit (we don’t stay together but he spends most of the time in my house) so I really don’t want her in my house and I cant even ask my mother because frankly they agree she thinks his marriage is a mistake he should be with me and his son although she tries to be civil towards my beau and ironically he likes her because he doesn’t know how she feels.Guys this is something I have to do on my own and I really don’t know how, I am African and in this culture it is not considered wrong if she wants to visit because her grandson was once engaged to be married to me traditionally and the child complicates things because even if he is my child, he is more their child than mine. So I need to let her down in a manner that will not show lack of respect but at the same it will get her off my back. Any advice is appreciated. thanx
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female
reader, Jovial +, writes (12 January 2007):
Jovial is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi
thank you all for all your very thoughtful response, i think i agree with you there stina because if she wants me to be happy she must stop pushing herself on me and start seeing things as they are. i stay with my son and my son is her great-grandson and she openly said that she is not coming for him but for me,
my ex said that he doesnt want to interfer i think he is really twisted because even though he is married he always tells me how much he still wants me because he cant stop loving me which is really sick if you ask me because he is still married right?
dragonette i suppose you are also right when she see us i am sure she will back off, i will just have to put trust in our love and be honest with my partner then, maybe he will also come up with something like u guys, he is very understanding we have been together for few months so i just didnt want him to think i am taking advantage of him, in situation like this you cant expect everyone to understand. especially as he is the only one so far i was able to hold-on after so many black-outs.
thnx again
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (11 January 2007):
 Hi Jovial,
If she is saying that she wants to visit her grandson, could you perhaps let your ex watch after your son for a bit - then she could go over his house. If your son is out of the house, then she couldn't use that as an excuse to get together with you, right? Plus, while she's there she might even get to know his wife better. Hopefully after talking with her, she will warm up to the new memeber of the family. Maybe that would mean she'd "bother" you less and you'd not feel awkward anymore.
If your ex can't take your son for some reason, then perhaps his grandmother would like to have him over for a few days. (That's assuming that she's still up to taking care of a boy his age.) Mention this to your ex and maybe he could tell her the idea. I think she'd be more inclined to accept if the offer came from him, because she'd have no reason not to. Then she wouldn't really have a reason to come over for that long of a visit.
And if worse comes to worse, perhaps you could just say that while she's welcome to visit you, she cannot stay the night because you just feel too uncomfortable. Is there any reason that you can't tell your ex what is going on? Perhaps he could step in if necessary. Because it's one thing for this woman to like you, but it's another thing for her to knowingly put you in an awkward situation. To me, it sounds like she's being selfish. If she really cared about you, she would want you to be happy - doing this is only pushing herself away from you. (I don't suggest tell her the last half of the paragraph, though, unless it's as a last resort. This might cause some tension! Plus it was more of an observation than "advice," really.)
Maybe after some time has passed and the wife has settled into the family more, you might be able to get back in touch with everyone and have friendly relationships. I think that would be best for your son in the long run, don't you? Maybe try going out on a double date - you with your partner and your ex with his new wife. You might actually have a good time. It'd be great if you all got along for the sake of your son.
Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (11 January 2007):
 Maybe, since you got along with your ex-boyfriend's sister-in-law you could ask her to explain to granny that she can't visit?
Also, maybe if granny comes to visit you she will see you together with your new partner and understand that her dream of seeing you and her son once get married is now forever gone? Just talk to your partner before and explain your dilemma, he should understand.
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