A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Dear CupidIm writing this through rage and tears... Me and my ex broke up 3 years ago, we have two amazing children together, He has moved on and has a child with another girl, their relationship is rocky most of the time, My ex has a bad Alcohol addiction and she drinks a lot too. I Would never ever get back with my Ex ive moved on and were much happier without him. I have tried to be nice to his gf but no matter what i do she takes it out on my Children and im at the end of my tether, She was fine in the beginning but once she had their on last year she got all bitchy, she rang me one night full of booze saying im not allowed to be friends with my ex, im only allowed to text him if it involves the kids, she doesnt want him in my house to see the kids and she was giving mouth saying shes gonna do this and that when she sees me, and that she didnt care b4 but now she has his child so things are gonna change.. I went down to her the next day and she wasnt even there... she took my Exes phone and threw it in the fire straight after our conversation so he couldnt contact me.My ex stopped collecting the kids or dropping them back, i had to be the one to travel for the maintenance and for him to see the kids, he hasnt been to the house since last sept for our sons 8th birthday which she didnt want him to go to, last week was my sons communion and she didnt want him to go to that either, but he did.. when my ex DOES have the kids hes not allowed to drop them off even if they are passing my house, i will have to go 5 miles out the road to collect them because she's that petty she wont drop them off. My ex is allowed to drive her car and ive seen him and so have the kids on many occassions where he is driving around the village yet says he cant see them this weekend coz he has no car, hes not allowed to pick up the kids at all, (my car was broken for 3 weeks) i had no way of dropping the kids off and she wouldnt let him collect them. Today is my daughters birthday and im doing a little surprise party for her and i asked him to be there for the hr at least, he rang me this morning and said he cant he has his little boy while she goes to the city, i said have u got the car and he said yes but she locke dit and took the keys with her.... she knew about the party, im so angry and im so sick of him not manning up and being there for his kids. He told her recently he didnt love her and her way of keeping him was by getting him drunk as often as possible, we were together 8 yrs, buildt a house, engaged the lot, but he was a violent drunk (not with her) and i didnt want that for me or my kids, best thing i did was leave him, but in her head she thinks i want him back, he has on many occasions asked me to take him back and i have said no way ive no feelings for him especially after the way hes been with his children just proves hes not man enough for me, I have no problem with her not liking me but say it to my face and dont take petty crap out on my kids, ive been nothing but nice to her and tried to get along with her, our kids are brothers and sister we need to be role models not acting like were in a playground, she is so devious she makes all this drama and my kids think shes great coz she buys them sweets and is nice to them but really shes the one driving a wedge between them and their dad, but i cant say anything... I really want to confront her but she wont talk to me its pathetic, any advice on what i should do??
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female
reader, deirdre +, writes (2 June 2013):
thanks for your reply :) yes you are totally right to not drop the assault charge, regardless of him being their father he needs to see the consequences of his actions and he needs to grow a pair in general and stop acting like a child. make sure you tell the court that you would like him to have a relationship with his children if the drinking was not an issue, ideally he should meet his kids in a neutral place (somewhere like a park, play centre or even mcdonalds) but obviously that isnt practical or possible as you live in a small remote place. I admire you as it is clear you are not bitter, it would be a good idea to talk to his girlfriend without him being there, but it might not happen for a while given their situation. good luck in court and hope it goes well for you :) xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): OK so let me get this straight:1. Your ex was/is abusive, violent, drunk. Not the kind of person you want to be in your life or to be around your kids a whole lot.2. His gf doesn't want him around your kids3. He doesn't want to be around your kids that bad. He may want to see them, but he wants even more to avoid conflict with her and that's his own personal value judgment. Also, he has a new kid with her, so they've got their own new little family, he probably feels like he doesn't "need" your kids in his life. It seems to me that the best solution is to simply not have him be a part of your and your kids' lives anymore. You can't force someone to have a relationship that they don't want. yes it's undesirable for your kids not to have a close relationship with their father, but in this situation that's just the reality. Move on without him, all of you.Right now you're stuck because you 'need' them to change. You 'need' him to man up, and you 'need' her to stop being a jerk and cooperate. But you have no control over other people. No matter how much you need other people to be different, they are the jerks that they are. The most productive thing you can do is accept that they are like that, write them off, and adjust your life accordingly to make the most of your situation and create new opportunities that don't require anything from them. If you date and get married again, your kids will some day have a new father in their lives who hopefully will be a million times better and they won't "need" their biological dad who doesn't want them. Why not focus on building a healthy happy family life without this guy? But do make sure he pays child support. You don't need to have contact with him, go through your lawyer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): Thank you Dierdre, Its very easy for [eople to say he shouldnt be in their lives if this is his carry on but he used to be a good dad b4 and thats all i want back for my kids, i dont want tension around the kids i just want us to get along like mature adults, i left the playground a long time ago. Yes i was raging over the recent drama but im not only blaming her, i think its childish behaviour from her part but if the shoe was on the other foot , nothing would keep me from my kids and no man would be brave enough to dictate to me about my kids, they will always be first, I def dont want revenge on her i just think she has alot of growing up to do, and i have a feeling they wont last and i really feel for their son because when that happens he prob wont have any kind of relationship with his brother and sister.. Im nervous about court but it needs to be done because his half arsed attempts of parenting are not good enough, he needs to step up to the mark and be there for his kids because they are starting to cop on to this situation.My ex is terrified now over the assult charge and keeps asking me to drop it but there is no way im letting him treat me like that he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. And your right Dierdre he started seeing her after i met my now ex fiance and within a few months she was pregnant he told me himself it was a bit of fun and he didnt want anything serious, i told him to man up and take responsibility, you could tell a mile away she was crazy about him and i felt like hes just been using her to keep the bed warm, and thats not on...! in the beginning she was grand, she never spoke to me much but smiled and no tension, after she had the little fella she completely changed, go only knows what hes been saying to her about me but i know hes not as innocent as hes making out, i was with him for 8 yrs i can see right through him and i fell if i sit down with her and hear her side and she hears me out, then we might come to a solution or atleast see where all this hatred has come from, only time will tell and court will be another drama because i dont think hes told her about the assult grr, but i will keep ye up to date on how we get on, the sooner the better :)
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (28 May 2013):
hello, I have read your question and the replies so far and it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job (not being patronising but many people would be bitter, you sound far from it)I think the both of them have been taking you for a ride to be honest. if she doesnt like you she needs to ignore you, if she cant be civil to you. it isnt fair to create tension when your kids share one parent, she obviously is really immature not to see that and it sounds as though they were never in a position to be having a baby together.I would stop driving to drop the kids off or collecting them, or if you feel better doing it then at least get him to pay petrol money.This would be fair seeing as it is separate to any maintenance which you are (or arent!) getting from him, and you are already spending time doing this from what should be part of your time off ! you are doing more than most people I know do, to encourage the childrens other parent to see them.make a list of what you need or should tell the court, this would be easiest done in bullet point form and keep as brief as possible while including all details. mentioning violence in your relationship with him is very relevant, make sure you make them aware of you driving to drop the kids off and to collect them, the drinking, and everything else you mentioned here as the court needs to see that you are doing everything in your power to keep him in contact with his children.I think it is safe to say you wont be having problems with your ex's new girlfriend for much longer, their relationship sounds disastrous and a baby shouldnt be raised in that. it sounds as though she is jealous of you, and believe me he will only take so much of her cr@p before he gets up and leaves, regardless of the child they have together.good luck in court! please update us when you can xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): First of all dont judge my ability a a parent...!! im on my own doing this wit no family around to help me, i just finshed 3 yrs in college to get a good job to show my children that we have to work hard for what we want... my dad battered my mum too which is why i got out of my relationship when the violence started with me, i and he hasnt been violent to me in 3 yrs and his girlfriend isnt mean to my kids, they like her, i dont want to get revenge on her i want us to be civil to each other and for her to tell me why shes being like this for the last year, my ex is a crap dad lately but wen we broke up he went to rehab and sorted himself out he was great to them thats wat i want back, for them to have their dad back not this eejit. they also dont drink around them coz i wont allow my kids around alcohol so how am putting them in harms way?? thats the last thing il do.. oh and as for ur little babysitter dig, i have a disease that leaves me very ill from time to time so yes sometimes i do nee a day to myself, i dont go out drinking because i cant drink on my meds so u can get down off ur high horse and rant to someone else, all i wanted was advice on how to settle this like adults with her, i just want it back to the way it was last year..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Oh I see your reason, you too need a break? Well Op your fucking babysitter is a violent alcohol. Get a new one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): OP he sounds like an utter nightmare, I still don't understand how you can buy his bullshit about this being her.
I grew up without a dad too, guess why. Because he was the exact same as your ex and my mother didn't want me growing up under that kind of influence, becoming that kind of person and didn't want me to have to face a life of a fair-weather father who breezes in and out of my life and pushed around my mother.
Your priorities are all wrong here OP. Instead of protecting your kids from that abusive, violent, alcohol fuelled environment you're doing everything you can to force them onto him.
No father, is better than a shit father.
Have fun when they grow up with this kind of guy and his girlfriend as influences on their life. You're going to have great craic disciplining them as teenagers when they learn from him what respect is, none. Because he gets to disrespect you, neglect them emotionally, have a vicious bitch of a girlfriend treat them like shit and what's your solution? To try and force them into that situation more often by molly coddling your ex and just wanting to get some petty revenge on her like she's some kind of problem.
OP your ex has a major problem with alcohol, he's abusive too and has gotten violent with you in front of them, and all you care about here is getting one over on his girlfriend?
Your growing up without daddy is bullshit and that's coming from a guy raised without a father.
We need one good parent in life OP and better one good one than one good one who won't protect us from the bad one.
Best if luck OP, I'll just never understand why you don't want to keep them as far away from the crazy violent alcohol that their father is. One who makes bullshit excuses and frankly is playing you and this other woman for fools. You're falling for some awful shit from this guy, and you still won't give any reason why you think that's acceptable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): I am taking him to court ive been granted legal aid im just waiting for the court date, its for maintenance, access and assult as he assulted me when i went to collect them a few months ago, i dont let him have the kids when he is drinking which is wen he assulted me, he had a row with her so was in a bad mood and i dropped off the kids he was drunk so i wouldnt leave them there , i said il be back when you sober up, so he went for me and threw me around a bit in front of the kids.. I know this is down to him, hes changed so much lately and really not worth the hassle i grew up without a dad so i want him around for his coz he used to be good, he usually takes them for 1 night a week but can go weeks with no contact with them, i agree that she cant stop him from seeing his kids and he should man up it just infuriates me why a person would act the way she is and wat the hell has made him turn into a pussy, he said he dont talk to her about it coz it just starts a row and he if he leaves she told him hes not allowed to see their son, im sure hes playing us off against each other i cant wait til we have our day in court to get this all sorted.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 You write:"... but really shes the one driving a wedge between them and their dad, but i cant say anything... I really want to confront her but she wont talk to me its pathetic, any advice on what i should do?? "
I suggest you STOP at: "... but i cant say anything... "
This is your ex's battle. Let him fight it.....
Good luck.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): OP with all due respect you're acting like a complete idiot here.
I mean you're being a complete and utter fool.
What has she got to do with your kids? Nothing. Who's the person responsible for your kids happiness and jointly responsible with you for raising them? He is. So why the hell are you putting the blame on her?
Sure she may be a bitch but she's his problem, he's a fucking father OP what would you do in his position? You'd tell her to fuck right off she will never come between you and your kids, am I right? So your problem is him, he's the one shirking his fatherly duties here OP, confronting her is not going to change his attitude. Pardon my language but he's just a lazy cunt who is playing you off the other woman and you're falling for it.
OP you would cut your arms off if it meant being a good mother to your kids, you would not tolerate any partner dictating to you how often you can or cannot see them am I right? So stop blaming this other woman and letting your ex get off scott free, he's the one at fault here, he's the one letting your kids down and he's the one you need to take to court over this.
It's time you applied for full, sole custody of those kids. You cannot allow him to bring them into an environment of alcohol abuse, with a nasty bitch who treats them badly and with a father who is so inconsistent. OP you are well within your rights to go file a suit for sole custody with supervised visitation for him that he can either stick to or lose out.
OP ignore her, she's nothing to do with your kids, he is. He is the one you need to tackle about this. And no OP, you can't spend the rest of your life chasing him down to step up. It's already wearing you out isn't it? You're already coming to the end of your tether with the whole thing and it's damn well hard enough to be a single mother as is without that kind of shit to deal with too.
It's time you contacted a solicitor or applied for free legal aid, it's time you discussed your legal options here, you cannot allow your kids to be exposed to that kind of environment OP, having your two days a week break is not worth the damage that's being done to them.
OP I have no doubt you're doing your best to raise them in a stable, loving environment, so why are you fighting so hard for them to be exposed to that poisonous alcohol fuelled household?
I would never let my kids be taken by a mother living in such conditions, she'd get supervised contact and that is all.
OP you can't force him to do anything, it's time you stepped up and do what you have to in order to end this shit.
Get some legal help and then apply for sole custody with restricted access.
Stop chasing him, stop blaming her, get this sorted for you and your kids. You've given him millions of chances, it's time you sorted this. You can't raise your kids well while also trying to raise your ex and his new girl who are like two kids themselves. OP you're heading for a mental breakdown, you need to end this and create a nice situation of stability and security, and you need to do that legally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): I have taken it out on him... its both of them and he needs to man up and take responsibility and she needs to stop being a child, he assulted me 2 months ago for no reason only he had a fight with her over me and the kids so now were going to court for maintenance, access, a safety order, and assult. He wont take a cab we live in Rural ireland a cab here and back will cost him 60 euro an alcoholic wont part with 60 quid, hed rather just not see them, and its all well and good saying not to let them see them but he didnt see them for nearly a month, ive no family around to help me out sometimes i need a break too and they get upset not seeing him i feel like im caught between a rock and a hard plate, i want to just walk away from them but i want my kids to have a dad that gives a crap and hes not gonna be winning any father of the year awards here, their great kids and it just upsets me all this drama involving them
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 Your fight should not be with your ex's new partner... Your fight is with HIM. He is the father of your children and he needs to put on some pants and stand up for his right to visit his children and to attend important functions. Your anger is directed at the wrong person! She can be whatever she wants to be but HE ...as the father of your children should know how to control him woman and let her know how important it is for him to be present and active in his children's lives.
I would lay it on him. You must be more firm with him. If he can't come to collect the kids... don't help him by going over... don't go to pick up the maintenance but assure him that if he does not pay the maintenance or see his kids... you will be contacting a lawyer... Don't make this easy for him to hide behind this woman and avoid his responsibilities.... FYI if he has no car keys...he can take a cab! xx
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