A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I am really confused and desperate for answers. I have been with my partner for 8 years. I am 24 and he is 27. We are engaged to be married. Obviously we are very young but this is not unusual where we are from. We moved from home and emigrated to Australia nearly a year ago. I do love my partner so much but things just feel off. Although the thoughts of losing him breaks my heart. Its just there seems to be no passion left, certainly not on his side. He use to grab me and be pretty affectionate although never in public. He has never been romantic and I tried to learn to live with it because he is a good person. However, recently we have went through many changes. I guess I crave someone to just show me more attention, I'm not talking flowers and puppies I know life isn't like that. Am I expecting too much to be made feel pretty or wanted? His best mate is now living with us. This seems to be the final nail. He drinks with his mate at weekends, pays little attention to me and we are just stuck in a rut.I have spoken to him numerous times but nothing changes. I do love him but I worry am I just scared of starting again? Especially in a foreign country with very little support as all our friends are shared and no family. He says he loves me but I cannot help but think if he is just taking the easy option. Were so young and there feels like there is nothing left to discover, we know each other so well, is this a bad thing though?I met a guy on a night out, my fiance had gone home drunk, and he was so nice I cannot stop thinking now. He bought me a drink chatted, walked me to a taxi. Nothing happened I would never do anything like that but I really appreciated the attention and someone to share the night with.I wish someone could just give me some advice, I am so confused. Am I being childish and throwing away a good relationship for so called romance? I won't see this guy again but it just felt like a reminder to me of what I miss
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Well, it sounds like he's settled in and he has himself a cook and a housekeeper. He moves in his mate, now he's a bachelor with a roommate, and a live-in housekeeper.I am going to speak frankly and I don't know you or any details; but I will offer some points that may give you a little insight or at least things to ponder.Sex tends to get routine with the same partner over and over. You're as bored with him as he is with you.If he isn't the adventurous type in the bedroom, all he needs is a go missionary-style, and he's happy. He probably masturbates in between, and that takes care of him. He's a boring and selfish lover. Who needs this?Are you sexually aggressive or do you tend to be more submissive? Do you often initiate sex, or does he just roll on top, do the deed, then rollover and go to sleep? Does this sound familiar? You've talked and talked about it, but the problem is; you're starving for passion and he's content. You've been his partner for 8 years, and it's like a marriage. He's settled into just being the unexciting imitation-husband. Rather than give up his housekeeper, he moved in his "playmate;" so they can hangout and do cool guy stuff. He was bored with you. How can you stand being in this situation? He actually moved in his friend, without seeking your approval? Apparently no respect for your opinion. Oh, but you love him. Right?If you've settled into domestic life, you probably walk around the house in plain little frocks, sweats, and unexciting loose-fitting comfortable clothing. You do your own hair, nothing special; it's clean and neat, but you probably haven't changed your hairstyle or color in the past 8 years. Do something good for yourself. Make a few changes and find your own passion.Dinner is always on the table on time, bedtime is the usual time. You sit around pouting or working all day, and you don't get out to do anything on your own. Your life revolves around taking care of him. No spontaneity, no surprises. You're scared to venture out. It's a new country. What are you hiding from? Why? Now you have two men, and I bet neither raises a finger to do house-work. They go off together like a couple of happy-go-lucky gay lovers, while you sit home. Or maybe you tag-along like a third wheel, living inside your head. Thinking how miserable you are and lonely. You need to be more independent. You need to get yourself a gym membership and get that body in-shape, build your self-confidence, and get yourself a makeover. New hairstyle, color it, and add a few sexy things to your wardrobe. You need to prepare yourself for the right guy.He's out there waiting. Your 8-year contract is up!Unless you are experiencing financial distress, you need to get that extra guy out of the house. He was put there to add excitement to your boyfriend's dull life. Your boyfriend is pretending he's still single. If he was unromantic from the start; why do you want him now? How did you tolerate eight years of this guy? Bet you were waiting for him to marry you. Be thankful he hasn't. You have to realize you deserve better and want more. Go get it.The fact you only have mutual friends is your fault. You don't go out of your way to be adventurous, you don't exploit your feminine charms, and you huddle under your boyfriend because you're clingy and needy. You've convinced yourself you love him and can put up with his crap by using self-hypnosis. You're just used to him, like a pet. You feed and take care of him. Only difference is, pets return their affection; unconditionally. Why haven't you found yourself your own partner in crime? A young woman your age to sit and gossip, or have girl-talk? What kind of hobbies do you have to keep you busy? What do you do to stimulate yourself intellectually, and get the creative juices flowing? What have you done to make yourself more out-going and interesting in order to attract your own circle of friends and expand your personality?You're blaming it all on him and being in a new country. It's partially your fault; because you do little to nothing to make yourself more interesting, and even less to make yourself happy. You receive no passion; because you do nothing to attract it. Being in a new country is all the more reason to have a more exciting life.You are a woman. Nature made you one of the most dynamic creatures to walk the earth. Take advantage of it. Get in the car and drive around to get used to your surroundings and enjoy doing things alone. You build self-reliance by exposing yourself to the elements. You don't have to stay in an unhappy unromantic relationship, because you can't take care of yourself.You're too busy sitting around being anti-social. Make the best of your life. Australia is a beautiful exciting place.You have to become a part of it. You have to grow the confidence and courage to come out of your shell; then you won't sit around thinking up reasons you're not happy. It isn't passion and romance you're missing, it's LIFE!You will receive passion and romance when you awaken it within yourself. Don't consider cheating. Consider ending the boring relationship you've settled for first. Eight years later, it's not any better? Really???If you have gained a few pounds, take daily walks. Eat more fruit and veggies, eat fish and chicken, and avoid sugar. Drink lots of water. Tending to your health will energize you. Take up jogging or bicycling for exercise and tight buns. The psychology behind this, is the self-esteem boost. You'll feel physically and mentally stronger. This makes it easier to decide if your want to stay; or leave your present relationship. Not just settle for it.Start a yard garden or a porch garden to liven up your place. You'll need a retreat from those two bubble-heads. A place to read and meditate, while you're under reconstruction. No threats, no explanations. Just a peaceful and quiet young woman going about her day.You've settled for the rut you're living in, because you're co-dependent on your boyfriend. You are afraid to leave only because you don't think you can take care of yourself, and you're afraid of being alone. You'd rather be trapped where you are. Get your own place, get a female roommate if have to share expenses. Get freedom, then start dating again. Leave the two buds to take care of each other.Don't sit around complaining if you're complacent and you don't have the nerve to leave him and take care of yourself.You claim you love him. Why? You say he loves you. How does he show it? There's no romance or passion, and he has moved a buddy in; and they're having more fun together than the two of you.You have a project to keep you busy now. That project is you. You are going to create a new you. You are going to have to make the best of your life, and not rely on him for something he is incapable of giving you. Passion and romance.If you're not happy with his mate living with you, then the ultimatum is him or you. Return to where you came from if there is no other choice. The power to find what you want and need is in your hands.You've given him 8 years, and he hasn't delivered.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 Here's your "key" sentence: "I have spoken to him numerous times but nothing changes...."
AND, it ain't NEVER going to change.... He's got you - in the fashion, manner and where he wants you.... so he's shown you just who he REALLY is...
Reconcile, for yourself, that you either endure this indefinitely (until you finally DO get fed up and leave)... OR, leave now and cut your losses...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 Instead of just throwing the towel in why dont you create the element of surprise and romance? Sometimes the grass is not not greener on the other side. He has not abused you nor does he take drugs. Sometimes we just we need to work on what we have. Also a relationship has different5 phases, it not always a high and eventually there is the element of compatability, love and trust which over rides the initial excitement of a new relationship.
I would say hang in there and work on it. I am sure its a relationship worth fighting for if thats his only flaw.
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