A
female
age
36-40,
*non26
writes:can people mix up long distance friends with benefits relationship with a committed faithful long distance relationship meaning? I was in a long distance relationship and thought he was faithful for the year prior to my trip to meet him. He kept asking me my opinions about friends with benefits after my trip and I believe he used and abused me. I kept delaying my trip and asking him to be honest with himself, confirm that he was in love, so I wouldn't be making a mistake in flying to see him as I value intimacy. I think he assumed I had a bad past and was ok with friends with benefits but I told him many times when he asked me after my trip that I don't believe in it as I have different morals regarding it and don't agree with it. We remained in contact after my trip and I assumed we were in a long distance relationship after. He kept saying he needs me physically and it eventually broke down so I wonder if long distance relationships are actually viable especially from a man's perspective considering they have more physical needs. I remained faithful throughout and he said he went wild and he has been with a few girls since me, and that I wasn't his type. He kept saying i'm so boring and didn't talk during my trip.
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female
reader, hi26 +, writes (6 February 2013):
Anon26 replying from new account as cannot access previous account: I have broken up with him now but I asked this Q retrospectively as I'm analysing the 'relationship'. He was an abuser and I picked up that he was narcissistic. I think he played on my naivity about true love and was studying my weaknesses and took advantage. I have changed all my email passwords now. I misjudged his true intentions. I honestly didn't mean to cause drama by mentioning my ex but I miss social cues due to a disability and I think that caused him to act out his anger. Looking back I think it was best for us both as I was boring him and we grew apart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): You two were NOT in a relationship,you only met once and he found you weren't compatable.He is not a nice man either.All this FWB business is him wanting sex and no commitment, I think it was YOU he wanted in that role,to go see him,put out and go back home.If you did have sex with him I hope he used condoms cos there will have been others. It does not matter that the situation is a LDR or any relationship,men or women,when IN LOVE,do not even consider sex with anyone else it does not come into their mind to go look for extras.You took to much for granted. You also gave out way too much personal information, you need to leave the internet dating alone until you understand personal safety,the risks you took and assumptions you made.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 February 2013):
 One more thing...
I strongly suggest changing **all** of your passwords on everything you do online. This guy has no right, and it's extremely dangerous for you to hand your info to a guy you primarily deal with online. Don't ever do that again unless you're married to the guy and he's reciprocating.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 February 2013):
I have to say, this is a weird one to me. I'm glad I read the whole thing through with the follow-up replies, because on the surface, it sounds like he was asking your opinion on whether or not HE could supplement his LDR with a FWB.
What it sounds much more like is that he's a little obsessed with you and is worried YOU'LL cheat on him with your ex or someone else. I worry about the stability of this guy to be honest, as he totally went too fast and too heavy-handed with the girlfriend talk and the wanting access to you email (!).
Listen, you've GOTTA get away from him, as he can be potentially dangerous. What right does a boyfriend, local or LDR have in demanding email surveillance of your private accounts? What are you doing wasting your time with him anyways? Don't you realize that this obsession doesn't get any better, and you talking about your ex is like pouring gasoline on a fire??
This guy is unstable, and you need to stop this game playing and end it with him. You sound like you like a little drama too, or you wouldn't be the one flying to him, talking about your ex, not taking him at his word and staying "dumped" when he did that to you over and over, and you put up with his whole jealous thing by demanding email access.
Are you this hard up for a boyfriend???
Time to face the real world, get rid of this guy, and have the courage to cultivate a relationship that is local. This guy will mess you up.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 February 2013):
The only LDR's that make any sense at all is when you have been with the person for long enough to know you really like them and circumstances temporarily separate you. I stress TEMPORARILY because dating someone with no specific plan to get back together is a waste of time.
If you meet them online they should live close to you. If they don't you can just be friends. There are too many factors in attraction that require a physical meeting before things really start getting serious.
I'm pretty much echoing SVC's statements because they bear repeating.
I met my wife when I was temporarily living away from home. We dated for awhile and by the time I had to leave we both knew that we wanted to continue the relationship. This meant she had to stay behind to tie up loose ends and we had an LDR for a couple of months. She came to where I live and things went well enough that we decided to marry.
I have a friend who met her boyfriend in college. He had to leave for an internship but she made specific plans including when they'd be back together and how often they would visit. She made it clear to him that she didn't want an indefinite LDR. When he asked if he could extend the internship she said yes but I'm not going to wait for you. So he hopped back on a plane and moved back. They are married and have 3 kids now.
These are examples of LDR situations that make a little sense. They don't always work out, but they do if the two parties involved want them to.
What you're describing is just a disaster waiting to happen and even if both people want things to work its not likely to under most circumstances.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 February 2013):
 If men (collectively) would be just one TENTH as creative at solving the world's social/cultural/economic and political problems as we are at coming up with outlandish "justifications" for why women should go to bed and put out for us.... wouldn't this world be an absolute EDEN????
I love you guy's story.... wish I'd thought of it, myself...
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Of course LDRs can remain faithful. However, in this case, you already know this one can't by his "need" for a FWB.
This guy is OUT.
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A
female
reader, anon26 +, writes (6 February 2013):
anon26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe met online and he kept saying he was my boyfriend quite early on and I thought he was joking initially. He said I was able to chat to other guys but then was angry when I was planning on meeting someone closer. I decided not to meet that guy and I think it was a manipulative tactic on his part so I would be dependent on him. We then made it official a few months after we met online that we were in a LDR by updating our profile statuses on the dating site we met on. We would chat almost everyday and night for a year until I decided to make the trip to see him. I believed we were in a faithful relationship due to the amount of contact we were having and regular communication. He was angry when I mentioned my ex on my trip and I suspect he abused me in anger by use of drugs. I was very quiet and shy and he thought I was boring not talking much and I think we became distant towards the end of my trip. He was very jealous and possessive and I had to let him have access to my email so he could trust me. He dumped me a few times after my trip over the course of the remaining time we were in contact and i'm not sure if he was faithful but I know I was throughout. It seemed the breakups/arguements were always my fault and he would make up with me to suit his needs. He is very manipulative and controlling. He joked one time that I was like a robot. He asked my opinion later about friends with benefits and I told him I disagreed with it. He thought I had that kind of relationship with my ex but I told him no and that we only talk as friends. I had to cut my ex out of my life as he was so jealous of him. It felt many times that I was not able to be independent and had to drop things for him as he depended on me. He told me many times he can rely on me.
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A
female
reader, anon26 +, writes (6 February 2013):
anon26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't assume he wanted a friends with benefits relationship...we met online and posted our profile statuses to say we were officially together from April 2009. He initially said I could chat to other guys but got annoyed when I wanted to meet someone closer so then I didn't to make him happy. We continued the long distance relationship and I was saving online conversations etc. We kept in regular contact almost everyday we'd chat prior to my trip therefore I believed we were in a faithful relationship. During my trip he was angry when I mentioned my ex and was jealous and possessive after my trip. He was so mistrusting of me that I gave him access to my email to gain his trust. He did dump me a few times after my trip but then made up with me but it seemed to be to suit his needs. He said he couldn't be friends with me, I had to be his gf. Then later he asked my opinion of friends with benefits and I told him I disagreed with it. When he was jealous of my ex he assumed I had a friends with benefits relationship with my ex at one point. I cut my ex off for him so he could trust me and I began isolating myself and it felt like he was controlling me. There were times prior to break ups/arguments he would say i'm not his type and he is too abusive. I actually suspect he abused me on my trip through use of drugs. I believe he was very controlling and manipulative. He said I was like a robot.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2013):
 I will answer the title question first… Of course LDRs can stay faithful. If they choose to.
He did not choose to and if I’m reading your post correctly he gave lots of signs that he did not feel the same about you as you felt about him.
If you are in an LDR that means you are in a relationship. The distance does not give the partners license to sleep around with others.
You were LDR with a guy for a year that you had not met? STRIKE ONE… meeting someone online is FINE…. Having an LDR (for a reasonable period of time) is FINE… Meeting someone on line and having an LDR without having met them is ludicrous. You are basically putting your life on hold for a fantasy and a dream. UNTIL you meet someone in real life and spend time together, they are but pixels on the screen and a voice over the airways…. Often what works online will not work in real life. This is why I advise folks who want to start an LDR with someone they met online to meet them as soon as possible. Until you meet in real life and start spending significant frequent time together, it’s not real in my opinion.
If you can’t meet due to time or money constraints, they you should not be in an LDR as they require money and time that local relationships don’t require.
The fact that he kept asking about friends with benefits should have been a huge red flag for you.
You did not go to see him because you did not trust him correct? You define intimacy as sex? I do not… Sex is NOT intimacy……
You told him you did not like FWB and say he assumed you were ok with it even though you told him no… so he opted to ignore your desires and wants and do what he wanted regardless of what it did to you emotionally.
You assumed you were LDR… why is that? What made you think you were LDR? Did he say you were? Did you ask? What defined it as an LDR for you?
It’s funny you think that men have more physical needs… A very well-known therapist I worked with for years is of the belief that actually men can more easily control their impulses as they are not hormonally driven every month like women’s desires are…. And men can learn to cope with the constant level of their hormones… Women have a harder time with hormonally driven desires…. Makes sense to me as a nearly 53 year old woman…. I’ve had two kids… and there are times in my life that hormones were off the charts…. But every man I’ve ever known was just even and constant…. The only thing affecting the drive of most adult males I know is depression, stress, weight gain (health) and such…
He kept saying he needed you physically? Is that how he defined the relationship? When my husband and I were LDR before we married… I missed him… I did not need him physically. He did not need me physically… what we missed was dinner together… watching a show together… a hug and kiss when we got home… someone there for you…. It was never about sex for us…. Yes of course when we were LDR and I would go see him we were very sexual in the beginning… but once we knew we were together for life, that settled down.
AND we started out as LDR/FWB that was what I offered him and what he took gladly…
The issue was not that he was not faithful to you due to the LDR… your last paragraph clearly explains why this did not work…. He found you boring, he said you didn’t talk… basically you guys didn’t hit it off in real life… No crime… it just didn’t work. He didn’t have the nerve to tell you… he just dragged it out for the emotional ego stroke.
We have friends that are LDR now. They are married. They were dating 2.5 years when they married in September 2012. They will be LDR for another 2.5 years till he retires from a government job that requires him to live in the City he works. He gets on the train pretty much every Friday and comes and spends 3 nights with his wife. He does not look at other women. He does not care about other women. He does not need FWB… he can wait.
My husband, when were were LDR.. the second we got serious there were no other women in his life….
LDRs have one goal in my opinion… to NOT be LDR…. Folks that are committed to being a couple will move heaven and earth to be together and will not stray even with long gaps in visiting….. do you think those marriages separated due to military service cheat?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 I am very skeptical about the viability of LDRs in general, they are fraught with problems objectively and it really takes a great love, a great effort and a great committment on both sides to carry them on successfully.
But, in your case, the clincher is in the last lines of your posting. He just wasn't that into you, unluckily, and that would have happened even living in the same place, because you are the same person. He says you aren't his type- I guess he means lookwise ? -, he says you are boring ( what a jerk, btw ! what a rude way of pointing fingers for a lack of connection that proceeds from both ! ), he says you aren't talkative enough for his tastes. All in all , you aren't the woman he is looking for as his gf ( and I'd add, lucky you- since he does not sound like a nice person ). That would not have changed , regardless of distance.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 You seem to assume quite a lot, rather than ask direct questions and get direct answers. You assume he wanted a friends with benefits situation, you assumed he was asking you for permission to be in one, you assume he took your reply to mean you didn't want him to have one, you assume you were in a relationship together.
From what I can tell, you weren't in a relationship at any point, you never told him you wanted to be exclusive, and you never told him you didn't want him to sleep with anyone else. You having a moral stance against friends with benefits, or you being fine with it, has absolutely no meaning. You can accept friends with benefits from a moral standpoint, and yet you'd be AGAINST cheating, and you'd want faithfulness. Having a friends with benefits while in a relationship just means you are cheating.
It doesn't sound like you were making yourself clear on anything when it comes to this man. Why would you travel to see a man who you don't know if you are in a relationship with or not?? Why do you simply assume things?
"He kept saying he needs me physically and it eventually broke down so I wonder if long distance relationships are actually viable especially from a man's perspective considering they have more physical needs."
Men DON'T have more physical needs. Their needs are exactly the same as a womans needs. Some don't need much, some need a lot, but some will be cheaters and some will be faithful, regardless of how high their "need" is. I have a high need for physical contact yet I've never cheated. And I know of people who has very little need for physical contact, yet they've cheated. Those two things don't go hand in hand.
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A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (6 February 2013):
I've been in an LDR myself and I can tell you that it is VERY difficult at times.Everyone has different needs in a relationship. While all relationships need good communication, compromise, and of course, love, there are a lot of people who really need that physical closeness with someone. Spending time together is of course a very important part of any relationship. When you're in an LDR, the only way you have to do this is maybe by computer or phone. For some people this is very impersonal compared to real in-person contact. I will tell you that, myself, I've been able to handle an LDR. But I will never say it is easy to do. It is definitely a roller-coaster of feelings. You have such huge anticipation when you're going to see each other, you are inseparable almost literally while together, and when you have to leave you are so sad, almost like you're breaking up even though you're not. The emotions run very very deep.Perhaps for your guy he just needs physical intimacy so much that he can't handle the LDR situation. Where he probably did go wrong was not being honest about this.. but perhaps he didn't even know himself if he hasn't done an LDR before. But to answer your actual question, yes, an LDR CAN work. But it depends on both people being able to handle the lack of physical intimacy and the distance for extended periods of time and remain faithful. Some people have what it takes, and some don't. Those who don't aren't lesser people, they just need to be honest about this fact and avoid LDRs. I hope this helps and good luck!
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