A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidsMy heart is breaking because the girl I love (Caroline) is refusing to speak to me. Caroline has ended our relationship on a weekly basis pretty much for the whole of the last year. But we truly love each other and we both know we are meant to be.In September she ended it and did not speak to me for two months but eventually we met up and it was wonderful. She is my soulmate. We are so right for each other. But she has a tendency to be very sensitive (one of the things I love about her is her sensitive loving heart) when I make mistakes and she just says it's obvious we aren't compatible and she's had enough.But all the issues she brings up I can easily resolve if she would just give us a chance instead of thinking the worse all the time.After our holiday she sent a quite brief (and cold hearted) email saying she didn't want any more misery and asked me to leave her alone. But I know that 95% of the time we are happy and anyway it's normal for couples to have teething problems in their relationships so I just can't give up on this.I have tried to make contact, and recently her mum was staying. I said we could all go for a walk as I really do like her parents and I think they like me, or I did think so. But Caroline said I couldn't meet her mum because she would be horrified if she knew we were seeing each other again. But I know, that her parents, brother, anyone, none of them can truly understand what we ha 've so who are they to judge.I thought her mum had gone back and I wanted to see Caroline so I went to her flat. First off nobody answered but then I saw Caroline through the window. I thought she was coming to let me in as I heard the key in the lock, but it was her mother, and she was screaming at me and telling me to go away. It was really awful. Last time I saw her she was a very fine person but this time it was as if she was possessed or something just screamingat me to go away. I did go away then but I've ttried repeatedly to get an explanation from Caroline but she is ignoring me. A few days later I saw her - I thought it was Caroline but it was just her car and her mum was driving it. Anyway I turned around and followed her and she drove back to Caroline's place. Then she got out and I saw it was her, and I thought, 'oh no!' But actually she was nice and kind with me and we had a conversation. But she told me I am not in the real world, and Caroline didn't love me. Boy, was that hard to hear. But I know that she doesn't know us and what goes on between us. Only we know that.It seems like, she is staying there to keep me away from Caroline.She even said, 'I'm here as a shield for Caroline. She doesn't want to see you again. Promise you will never come back' I know she does not know the extent of our love.I don't know what Caroline has been saying but it is purely based on fears because behind those fears we do have true love and it is just a question of seeing clearly.I know when we are together she feels it just like I do. She has told me many times in the past that it is over and then in the end she realises she loves me, like the situation of 2 months apart I told you about.If she could realise I would do anything, go anywhere for her and love her just as she is no matter what, there is nothing to fear. Just our true love and our hearts united again. I know she feels this too. What can I do to help her overcome her fears? I can be as patient as I need to be, I would wait for her until the end of the world and I truly mean this.My heart is breaking as I have not heard anything from her for more than 2 weeks.What can I do? Please help.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 January 2013):
 OP,
I read your entire post and within a few paragraphs I sensed something that leads me to suspect that you are not entirely grounded in reality. I do not know if you have ever had an evaluation of any type or if you are Aspergers or some other Autistic spectrum disorder… but I sense that something is not quite right.
I will try to be as kind as I can….
Caroline has told you she wants your relationship to be over. You love Caroline (you cannot speak for her I’m sorry to say) and if you TRULY love her you want her to be happy right? Well that means that you will do ANYTHING for her. That means you will leave her alone because that’s what SHE wants and you LOVE HER and WANT her happy right? IF you say “but she needs to be with me!” then your love is not true or pure and it’s a selfish thing. TRUE love is NOT selfish.
I sense Caroline kept ending the relationship and you kept after her convincing her to give you one more last chance. That’s not healthy. Yes couples have fights. But they don’t end the relationship on a weekly basis. That’s not a sane rational healthy relationship.
Caroline’s mother told you ‘you’re not in the real world” this again tells me that your views are possible unrealistic. That there is stuff you are leaving out… Things you have done or said or believe that lead Caroline and her family to believe you are out of touch with reality.
You keep saying “we have true love” again YOU cannot speak for HER. This alone may be part of the problem.
If you would do anything for her. Do it. LEAVE HER ALONE. That is what she wants. DO THAT FOR HER. You would go anywhere for her? GO AWAY from her. THAT is what she has asked. RESPECT HER request. Respect her needs. Respect her wants. Right now your behavior shows NO LOVE and NO RESPECT for her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): I can tell you what you are going to do- you are going to leave Caroline alone. If you don't you are going to risk her pressing charges against you for stalking or something similar. This all has to cool down to give Caroline time to think quietly and calmly about how she feels about you. If she does love you then after about a month or so she will contact you herself, not via her mother but by herself. Until then leave her alone. Do not go round to the flat, text, or follow the car. I feel pretty sure that she will come round but only if you give her time to miss you.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 January 2013):
Hi there. I guess the on again and off again type situation, really depends on what it is that happens right before she decides to call it off.
Like, is it some kind of misunderstanding between you, for instance?
Has she been married before?
And then perhaps, does she have the fear it might not work out again if you were to get married in future?
Do you find that when she argues with you, that it's always about the same thing each time?
Because, if it seems that it is every week that she breaks it off with you, there does seem to be a kind of pattern, doesn't there?
There is at least, some consistency.
If you think back over each time this happens, can you remember what it is that happens right before she decides to call it off with you?
You might find that it's always over the very same thing, or at least similar things each time.
I'm sure you will see some consistency there, for sure, if you really have a good think about it.
And there might lie the clue to why it keeps on happening in the same way.
It could be something like she has a fear of losing some of her freedom, if she ended up marrying you.
And the loss of freedom and independence, is a pretty big fear by most people who are contemplating whether to commit to marriage with someone.
Even if you haven't actually formally proposed to her as yet, she could be thinking along those lines herself, just the same.
Even though she may not have said anything to you of the sort, up until now.
She could still be thinking about it, anyway.
And her question to herself, could be - "What would I have to give up of my life now, if I did decide down the track, to marry this man?"
And also - "How prepared am I, to give some things up for this man, and would I be happy to do that, in reality?"
And she may be having some doubts, as to how her life might change, once she did marry you.
No doubt, you could be having those same doubts yourself, whether you realize it or not.
This could be a definite topic for discussion between you.
If you can't call around to her house and talk directly to her, well then another option for you, might be to write a letter to her asking her could you meet up with her somewhere, and have a chat about something, which you think is a really important.
Now, if she works, it might be better to address it to her work address, to her attention.
So then her mother cannot intercept it, and throw it away before her daughter sees it.
And you don't want that to happen.
Then once she receives and reads the letter, the ball is in her court.
And the next action will have to come from her, because you can do no more than that.
You will then have to be very patient.
If it gets to be 2 weeks to about one month and you hear nothing from her as a response to your letter, well then just give her some more space, and see what happens after that.
And if she does work, you could call her up and speak to her and ask her out for lunch or a coffee, perhaps.
And tell her it's really important that you talk to her, as soon as possible.
Then as long as she says yes, well then you can clarify any doubts she may be having about the future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): "What can I do to help her overcome her fears?"Nothing. Unfortunately Caroline is in no position to know that you "know" exactly how SHE feels or that what she thinks she feels completely contradicts what you "know" she really feels. She has screamed at you to go away, ignores your attempts to contact her, and refuses to speak to you. Until that changes or the world ends or you die or she dies there's nothing you can do.I suggest you seek counselling to deal with what must be the very trying and difficult situation of knowing exactly what is best for Caroline when she and her mother are so obviously uninformed and clueless about what's going on in her own life.
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