A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just broke up with my bf. The thing is that throughout our relationship I think he was jealous of me and this makes no sense to me and I need some perspective. Well we had started dating and I could tell that he felt a little insecure about himself around me. Just because he would sometimes justify his life around me. But I am not really the type that is judgmental about anything really. So I never really understood his feelings of inadequacy around me. Anyways he claims he was totally in love with me. Well I guess you have to understand. I am this city girl, sophisticated, and really beautiful. Ok whatever. And he is this farm boy, I guess, not too exposed to culture and stuff. Never went to college. But I never cared about any of that. At all. I thought he was so charming. I was in love with him. I thought that I treated him so well and with so much love and respect. And he felt that way too. He always told me that I made him feel so good about himself and that when he was around me he felt like he could do anything. He thought I was the love of his life. Or so he said. There was definitely love. Or so I thought.But here is the thing, any time people paid me compliments he would get so mad. Like jealous. And I am not just talking about guys, I am talking about women too. An older lady came up to me once and told me how beautiful she thought I was and he got so pissed. He was jealous that I was being complimented. Isn't that weird?? Most of my bf's are flattered when I get compliments. It makes them feel good cause I am their gf. In fact, now looking back, I don't think he has ever had anything nice to say about me to other people. He says nice things about me to my face. But I don't think he has ever put me on a pedestal like to his family or friends (I have valid reasons for believing this). Like I am an interesting, loving, good person and I would think that he would be so proud of that. All of my other bf's have always felt so proud of me and I can tell by their family's comments and reactions to me that they think I am great. Just like I feel that way about my bf's, otherwise I wouldn't date them. I know you are all going to tell me to move on or whatever. But that is not what I am asking. What I want to know is what is wrong with him?? I know he is jealous but how is that possible?? I am girl! Jeez. How can he love me so much, supposedly, and yet be so bothered that I am paid a compliment?? Love me so much and yet want to put me down to others and make it seem like I am not as fantastic as he has claimed I am?? I don't think his family or friends really know who I am because I don't think he has ever told them anything about me except perhaps stuff that never really put me in a good light. Why would he do this?? I am really hurt. REALLY hurt.
View related questions:
broke up, insecure, jealous, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): Doesn't bother me. I understand that prideful people don't like to take a close inspection of themselves and do their best to improve; which means work to be more understanding, forgiving, accepting and know that life is about trials and we need others to learn from and expand our way of thinking.
I'm glad the BF can do this for you and I wish you well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Rcn thank you so much for your advice. It was so inciteful. You are right. I bet his family and his upbringing is very different from mine at a deeper level than I was able to see on the surface. It's probably the only way he even knows how to cope with situations. Unfortunately I am not crazy about that (long story). At this point there are alot of things I don't know if I can tolerate that are just so embedded in his personality.
Oh and of course I have put myself at his "level." (I guess words can be easily misconstrued sometimes). What dresses?? Do you think just because I said that I was from the city and I was pretty that all I wear is dresses and walk around with a poodle. I have never made one mention of dresses. C'mon now. The city's a big place. And most people do just wear jeans, sneakers and a T, including myself. Sheesh. Anyway, I love him so of course I have been to his farm. I love everything about him. I used to go out on the farm all the time with him. I love this guy. He fascinates me. I wanted to be a part of it and I always was. I admired him. It's not like I am all about me. I think if I was he would not have liked me at all. Look we loved each other, that's all there is to it. You know how that goes. But I am not going to change who I am. Furthermore he loves me for who I am just as I love him for who he is. There is no need for either of us to change in that respect. But maybe we are too different at a deeper personality level.
And Malyce Sinn, sure I might have some narcissistic tendencies but I am not going to sit here and justify myself to you. You are the only person in my entire life who has ever made any comment that I am vain. If I had written a post about how I think I utterly suck and I hate myself I bet you a million bucks that then you would probably be encouraging me to believe that I am a beautiful person and to not worry about what other people think. That is how I know your opinion was so biased. I mean I say just the opposite and you have a problem with it and put me down?? Your opinion was so non objective. So that is why I am not taking one single consideration of what you said. But thanks anyways.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): So what are looks? If that's all you have going for you-well that's no reason to be put up on a pedastal. Why would you even want to be on one? It's a long and hard fall from there when it's discovered you aren't perfect.I say your vanity has gotten the better of you and I say the BF might have some insecurity as well.There is nothing wrong with being humbled now and again.You are not a princess or God's gift to humankind.Have you told him what you think and feel? What did he say? Are you being fair? Is he?If you suspect something is not right-why would you want to be with him? If you honestly think he is jealous and unfair to you-why stay?I agree he has abandonment fears issues and self esteem but if this translate into anger- he could be abusive.I don't think you are being fair to him either. If you are used or wanting to be made out to be the ulitmate prize-you are setting yourself up for problems. Do you have a bit of narcissitic tendancies? Hmmm. Like being the centre of attention? Do you feel you deserve special treatment? Do you seem to lack compassion or empathy for other people? Do you think you are smarter, hipper, more attractive, or more talented than anyone else? Do you often complain you don't get enough respect, consideration, or appreciation? Frequently belitting, sarcastic, or critical?If you want to play the blame game, take ownership for you part in the miscommunication, fighting, and abuse.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 September 2007):
 First let's take you out of the picture, we all get that you're beautiful, sophisticated and of course whatever. First you compare him a lot to your other boyfriends, He is an individual and should be treated as one. Now I want you to stop thinking about what he could have done for you and look at this through his eyes. It looks as if you both have feelings for each other so I'm not going to say just move on. That too many times is just a cop out saying "I'm not strong enough to work for anything" I don't think that is you.I really thing you'll find the answers your looking for in his past. How he grew up, possibly a few broken hearts during his travels before you.The jealousy issue looks like it won't be too difficult to get him out of that behavior. Let's look at society. These days you give a compliment at work, you might get a sexual harassment suit. Many guys don't approach beautiful women, because they all ready feel intimidated by them, or assume they're taken. It sounds as if he all ready has a low self esteem, so what's to prevent him from being intimidated by you. In his mind, any second someone better can come along, and goodbye to you. The key is increasing his self esteem. He needs to start feeling good about himself and that he's a good person and could be with someone like you. But that has to be proven from himself to himself. You can't tell him that, if he's telling himself the opposite. The area of your story that moved me most toward his past was the last couple of paragraphs. If I have someone special in my life, It's not putting them on a pedestal, but my family would know how much that person means to me and how I'm blessed by them. I grew up in a family where we were praised for a job well done. Even if just drawing or coloring, we were told we did a good job.I can almost bet he grew up in a hope where praise was not something that was given. How can he boast about you to a family he knows will treat the information like "so, and your point" I'm not saying his family has never been proud of him, but the difference between thinking it and telling them can be huge when someone grows up. That's something that can cause a lot of your issues. If you compliment him, he may feel uncomfortable and unworthy of your compliment. If he was taught, by actions, if someone says you're beautiful (male or female) they want to take you home, he would become jealous. I would also recommend you come down to his level every now and again. Hang up the dress, put on some jeans and go get dirty. Have him show you where he came from, gain some understanding about where he came from, and instead of his feeling as if he always has to meet your expectations, go do some things he may be interested in. Leave the city for a day and head to the country. That will show him you're interested in him. Remember part of what we become, is where we come from. Take care and good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, L.O.S.E.R.  +, writes (17 September 2007):
 It's not jealousy,it's inferiority complex.Also on that farm of his I guess he has been raised to believe he must be "the man","head of the house" etc.Probably he realizes how stupid he is and that's why he mocked you,to try to make himself look smarter (even tho he's just pathetic).In a weird way of his I guess he did respect you-that's why he felt inferior with you in the 1st place.Well,sometimes people while trying to look better in their own eyes do all kind of stupid shit if they have the wrong perspective to look from-I'm sorry you ran to one of them cause from all you wrote seems to me you're a great person.Don't be hurt cause of the things that aren't your fault and that you couldn't change...best luck next time
...............................
|
