A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:SOMEONE HELP. I KNOW IT IS LONG, BUT I NEED HELP FAST!!!!I was with a girl for three and half years, living together for 3. We have now split and i am heartbroken, although i am starting to think, "lucky escape". She lived like a slob, never cooked, cleaned, compromised in any way. Her sister in law has said to me that she was immature and that she didn’t know how lucky she was. She says i am a great catch and she is ungrateful and nothing i ever did could have ever been good enough. She also says her other boyfriends were nightmares and I was the best thing to have ever happened to her, just a shame she was incapable of doing the things to make me happy. I have a successful business, got a lot of friends and am popular (as she is), fit and i think funny. I was always a good guy, but she seemed to think that if you loved each other you would not need to work on anything, you can just live off loving each other and nothing else mattered, and loving each other meant you shouldn’t let how you actually live together affect your attitude or mood with the other person. She would never wash up, tidy up, left all her clothes strewn across the floor etc. None of it in itself too bad but when one is trying all the time but saying that he would like her to make a little effort and she refuses, can a guy be blamed for not always acting lovey dovey?My not acting lovey dovey killed her love, but she cannot see why i sometimes felt aggrieved. Anyway, we had a baby and i said she could do what she wanted, work, not work, be full time mum, work part time etc, choice was hers and i would pay lock stock the whole lot to look after us all and she didnt even say "thanks"I gave her an allowance so that she had the same free cash to spend on herself as she did when she was single and had to pay her own bills, but her and her family were saying i wasnt giving enough!!Anyway, as i said we had not got on at times before baby was born at xmas as at times how she lived annoyed me, and she said it had changed how she felt, no spark no this and that. I tried hard, ignored how she was and just accepted it and gave her all the love she wanted, but it was too late. She cheated on me two weeks ago, i found out, and SHE ended it saying she just didnt want it anymore. So i accepted it, but hold out a hope in my heart and so decided to give her time to as her sister in law said, "see how lucky she was, what a great guy i am, that she wont find better, that maybe her actions and lack of made me react in those times of strife."I didnt call her for a week, and know the best way to get her interest back is seem that i am moving on and getting on with life, looking happy - patheticness does not attract anyone. But i had to text tonight because i have got some nappies, food and stuff for the lad as he cannot go without. Text said - "got some stuff for XXX and it is in a bag at the house" she replied - "ok"So i sent another - "and when can i see xxxx (childs name)" and she sent one "i will come to office tomorrow to discuss"How can someone get so cold when they are the one that has done wrong and thrown everything back in someones face? I just keep thinking, "be me, who i am, and she will regret what she thrown away one day, miss what we had" but she is just like ice!!And before you say it, no she did not just use me, we had good times, she was madly in love at one stage, are the same age (31), and she just thinks that we failed to get on and it was that that killed things. No sense that she did not do the things that make a relationship work, so small things became huge etc. My family, friends, some of her friends and family all see it, but she doesnt. Her closest family - mum and brother - have always said, "XXX is very hard to live with!" and in fact her brother once found her ways of living so hard, he chucked her out after a week or so, but instead of seeing that may be behind why i sometimes was moody or wotnot which made her doubt things and sad, they just pandered to her and fed itWhat do i do? Just forget it, put it down to experience and act civil for our child and accept she will never see her role and regret it. When she comes in tomorrow, for first face 2 face since eventual and final split, how do i act cos i do want her to one day realise what everyone else seems to see and maybe that will make her feelings start to come back.Oh, and she has carried on seeing the lad she cheated with. I do know I found out on first time it happened as I have found out he is a temporary worker in our town short term and had only just arrived.No one who knows her (except the brother and strange mother who has been alone for 30 years and falls out with EVERYONE) thinks she will get better, and thinks she will be much worse for this, with single parentness, lack of funds and will find it hard, despite how gorgeous she looks, to find anyone as good as me who will put up with her ways like I did. Both her sisters in law said, “she may be able to attract bees to the honey, but she offers nothing long term to keep them”
View related questions:
cheated on me, heartbroken, immature, sister in law, spark, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (26 August 2006):
 As I stated no ending of a relationship is one sided. Neither you or her came out of this looking as a saint. Put downs and discrediting her character just makes you look bad.
Because you really aren't looking for advice here, you would be better suited getting things off your chest with a private counsellor and not making yourself look the bad guy with this continued public bad mouthing of the mother of your child.
Legally it is not a good idea.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh and it wasnt all material, i also was understanding to her moods, told her i love her, told her she looked beautiful, rubbed her feet on an evening, took baby out for a walk if she was tired, gave emotional support etc, it just seems it was too late due to past angers from earlier in our relationship. The cheating was because she wanted out due to past feelings, NOT due to anything she was currently not getting. I understand why it ended, cos her feelings changed and she ceased to love me as this had started much earlier when things were not so rosy, i am just saying when it was not so rosy was due to both our failings, but more her than mine.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Jadzia1127 you have it so wrong, i am sorry but you do. I never thought a man is king or any of that, i did tidy up etc, example - before she had baby, she had a week off work and had nothing to do all day, i worked 12 hours a day, came home, cooked, cleaned and tidied up. I never once expected her to look after me, a relationship is a two way thing, and i was the only one making an effort to keep things neat and tidy and a home. If you walked in our front room, you would not find anything of mine there lying about, but would find letters or hers, magazines, drink cups, clothes, bras, knickers, shoes etc. You say that my legal obligation may be more than her allowance as if i was being stingy. Which part of i was paying every single bill in the house, rent, food, electric, water, council tax, nappies, TV licence, etc AND giving an allowance do you not understand. Oh, and we met in town for lunch every day and i would but stuff from sandwich shop, but her fags, treats, clothes sometimes, give her extra money for a night out, took her out for meals, paid for breaks away etcFigures - Our outgoings for basics (rent, utilities and food) were £1250 a month, plus i gave her £250 a month to live on. My legal obligation now we are split is £220 a month.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (25 August 2006):
This might seem harsh but No ending of a relationship is one sided. Cheating for most people is a way of looking for some attribute that they feel they need that is missing from their relationship.
You're legally and financially responsible for that child, hence the mother also. I am sure if she held you to what your financial obligations are legally they would be more then the 'allowance' you gave her.
As for her being a slob, if your home was messy then both of you are slobs. Takes only one person to keep a house clean, two just makes it easier.
A relationship is a partnership not 'a man is king' and the women is slave to her family and home. If you like cleaning then you do it, if you both don't like cleaning hire a maid.
With your attitude this relationship can't be saved. Listening at all to people who bash your relationship and the mother of your child is a low blow.
All of these accusations, and mean words are a deep emotional wound that is very raw and the emotions spewing out are a defense mechanism for dealing with the pain. It is natural reflex for humans to point fingers, rather then to figure out what is wrong with yourself when something goes wrong. Natural or not doesn't mean you are right. The way you are acting does mean that she will thank her lucky stars she got away from you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replies, and Anon, you are right, it is much more complex than i could right. There were issues on both sides, but a lot of the stuff that was negative that came from me was due to how i felt at that moment in time, and that was obviously not helped by how she acted and treated the relationship and home.
But, i did love living with her, the person she was, great company and so easy on the eye! The last few months we have had zero arguments or niggles as I realied i loved her, and it was a case of put up with it and accept it if that was what it took to be with her, and get the loving that she gave but it was too late for her.
I know i am best rid for my own long term happiness and peace of mind but i guess i want the impossible, her to realise she wants it so much she would change, or at least talk properly and see the real issues.
I need to remain how i am, the worse thing would be to feed any negatives she has in her head by acting like a sod or heartbroken, weak etc.
Maybe when she experiences life and it is not as good as it was me with me, she will look back at things properly, but that will take time, and i daresay by that stage i woulndt want to go back to it anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): Trust me mate, by the sound of it you did the best thing you could have done..got rid. Go out there and bag yourself a hot babe, the last thing you need is some waynetta slob taking up your space and feeding from your wallet!
...............................
A
female
reader, anon2907  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 Hey,
Wow! You've got loads of stuff going down with you I'd say! Your post is a barrel of emotions many conflicting, no wonder you're having trouble about what to do!
I get a strong feeling from you of anger and disbelief about the whole situation.
The bad news is that despite other peoples proclaimations of how great you were for her and so on, that isn't going to make her come back to you. Your underlying tone is that she should have been grateful - because you are such a great guy, gave her money after the baby was born, offered to let her work or not work and so on, but human beings rarely do 'grateful' in relationships - and if they do, those relationships are incredibly one sided.
I'm not saying she's an angel by any means. She sounds difficult to live with, somewhat immature or lazy in her behaviours and implusive, but you do sound like you're laying the blame for the breakdown of your relationship entirely with her - and inevitably that's a situation that will feed your anger.
I think you could really use some time out to take a step back and think about how *you* (not friends, family etc) really feel about her and about your relationship. Do you want her in your life long term, with your son and potentially with all her faults? Do you really love her? Can you get past the anger you feel towards her? If you think this is the way forward then you're going to have to deal with the emotions you're going through right now - and I would suggest that's something done with you and her one-on-one with no one else's 2p worth. (basically all the people saying you're great need to back off for a bit, even though it's boosting your ego, it's not helping overall).
If you feel there is no way forward for your relationship, then ultimately the coldness of her responses should make it easier for you to move on from that relationship while maintaining communications in order to see your son from now on.
Tomorrow when you see her, I wouls suggest being pleasant and honest (perhaps more so because of this underlying anger). And afterwards give yourself some time to consider how you really feel about her and what you want your relationship with her to look like in 6 months, in a year, 5 years and so on. You guys have a son together so one way or another you're likely to be in each others lives for a while. Maybe there's a compromise to be had?
(The affair with the new guy sounds like an attention thing to me, but it can't have been easy for her to hear from her own family how great you were all the time, because the inference from that sort of comment is that she wasn't great (and you apparently agreed to that) - ultimately that will lower her self esteem - hence her looking outside marriage for more positive emotions).
I feel that this really is way more complex than your post and our answers can do justice to. Take your time with this. Take some steps back and try to be objective about her behaviours and yours.
Take care,
Anon2907
...............................
A
female
reader, layla +, writes (24 August 2006):
 I think that you should say nothing to her about it and even if she does realise what you have put up with theres not alot you can do, because you wont want to take her back. I can understand you just cant forget about her and move on because of the child. I also think that if you do tell her or try she may stop you from seeing the child. Thats if she takes it badly. But you should think of whats shes capable of, think of all the possibilities. Good luck i hoped this has helped in some way. xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2006): please you have so much too say i think you need a friend too talk to
...............................
|
