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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend has no patience with my 15 year old son. We are talking about a quiet, confident teen boy, who is on the honor roll in high school, is polite and shows respect to all, loves sports, doesn't party, doesn't drink or act out in any way. He is a typical teen in the sense, he has a messy bedroom and forgets to do some of his household chores. When he forgets, I remind him and he does the job, no questions asked. So why does these 'small, trivial" things bother the man, in my life. My bf keeps telling me I am not doing enough, I need to be tougher..harsher with my son! I disagree..It really is hurtful to hear some of the things, my bf says to me in regards to my teen son. Does anyone have advice or tips from other parents of teens...on how I should handle this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, Malyce. Good advice. I needed to hear that! I do feel this is a form of emotional abuse. Because it certainly is 'getting to me'. I think I should just rid myself of the real problem...this man! This is not love and he has the problem. Thanks again...I appreciated your words.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): Pick up this book by Beverly Engel. "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship".
In there you will find some answers as to why the bf feels the need to attack you and nit pick and critize. This ongoing and unrelentless abuse will pick up if you are not careful.
Read the book.
I picked mine up at Indigo/Chapters.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all...for the great advice. I also have raised 2 other children (both successful and in their 20's), so I am not "new to this game". I do praise my teen son and support him fully in all his endeavors. This bf I speak of, has never been a father. So I agree with DrPete's words when he says "What right does he have to challenge your parenting skills?" I agree because I feel this man has no right, especially when he knows I have already raised two other children who are doing well in their lives. All his criticisms about my son, is only directed to me and it hurts to hear him say such things. He has never, ever said any of his harsh words to my son directly. If he did, it would end our relationship. So my son is none the wiser. I guess what bothers me, is 'why' does my bf do this to me? Constantly nitpicking! Martini was right when he said , my bf and I have different perspectives. But how much 'right' does my bf have, in 'shoving his own perpectives' at me? Frankly, I think it's none of his business. He has known my son for a couple years, so I feel he should just back off and allow me to guide and direct my son, without hearing his critiques. I have voiced my thoughts on this to my bf, but he can't seem to 'let it go'. Does anyone have further advice on how to make this more clearer, to my bf. I am really building up a lot of resentment towards him, over this issue. Thank goodness, my son doesn't know a thing, Amazingly, my bf is is very warm and respectful to my son directly..he only criticizes my son, to me alone. Is this issue more about my bf's insecurities, in regards to my close bond to other people I love in my life? He's also quite critical of my adult children as well but 'only tells me!" What is this man's real problem?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): My apologies...I am typing without my glasses on and have fake nails. *rollseyes* *laughs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): Sounds wonky but after reading and the DOING what was suggested in Stephen R. Covey's book on "The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Families" I have noticed great improvements in my families attitude.
Having a family declaration that describes what you are all wanting in the familily; common goals to strive for makes a HUGE difference.
Please get this book or CD and work together with the boyfirend and then include the son.
Family time is needed.
Start praiaing your son. Tell Boyfriend that he needs to also read a book by Barbra LeBey titled "Re married With Children"
Tell him that when he says those comments that they are attacking your parenting and that you have done this for 15 years and that even though he is wanting to help; to please be more supportive.
Take some parenting classes together.
His attitude is known by your sons and it is hurting your son.
Get some family counseling as well. So you can all start seeing one another's perspective.
Good Luck Sweetie.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006):
I agree with the others and that it would be detrimental to your sons development to suddenly change your parenting behaviour, especially at age 15. If you start enforcing "the law" on him, you are likely to be faced with a very rebellious teenager.
You should feel proud of what you have achieved so far. It is hot easy to bring up a child who has all those qualities.
I think you need to be tougher with your boyfriend, to be honest. What right does he have to challenge your parenting skills? It is essential for a child to see their parental role models working together, in agreement.
Your son is still unconsciously picking up how you and your boyfriend are together and how he behaves in a relationship when he is older will be very much dependent on how you two are together.
Sort that boyfriend out, I say. Good luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): Then u tell him that so far, everything your son has done has proven he is a good son. Trivial things like not picking up his laundry and forgetting some chores shouldn't even be brought up as a sign that you're not tough on him. Seems like you've raised your son quite well. Maybe even further it and talk with your son more.
You've raised him since birth, good on you. Your bf has a different perspective, and you can tell him that you have listened and will take into consideration, but you don't see the problem here. Your son does well in everything. Changing those trivial matters may build-up over time and make your son resent you and your bf.
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reader, layla +, writes (24 August 2006):
 well i think you should talk to your bf and ask him to point out to you when he thinks your not being tough enough. and also what or how does he think you should handle the situation. I think that your bf is just taking an interest in your son. so dont be too harsh.
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