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male
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*he write one
writes: OK, I'm a 26-year-old man, who is somewhat successful and very educated, not that that means anything. Well, i need a someone's perspective male or female on my situation and i pray you can help me get back the love of my life. I'll try and make this brief and to the point, so I'll leave out the lovie dovie stuff and give you just the bad. Very recently my girlfriend of eight years who was also my fiance told me she wanted out of the relationship. It took me for a shock, but i knew something was coming for about a year or three now. I recently moved 800 miles to be with her because i felt our relationship was slipping. I left a good job, a nice home and a huge network of people because i wanted to save my relationship with my high school sweat heart (4 years in college, 4 years in grad school). Not to mention, i couldn't fully enjoy myself without her by my side. Anyway, I moved in with her and a few months later i popped the question. The response was lackluster at best. While it was a yes, it was given to me in the form of a crying "OK." In fact, i had to do it twice, because she said the first time she was scared. Now, here is where i believe her fears came from. Me and my now ex-fiance got together in our senior year of high school and the relationship has lasted up until two weeks ago.We have known and liked each other for since 9th grade in high school, but she was too scared to tell me up until a few months before prom. We were perfect together in every way. However, i wasn't perfect by myself. On about two or three occasions, I told her i wanted to break up when i was in my late teens/early 20s. I did this because she would do dumb stuff that she knew wouldn't sit well with me and i wanted her to know how much it hurt me. Instead of telling her "that hurts," I pretended like i wanted to end the relationship. She would cry and at least an hour later, i told her i forgive you. I also used to lie or not tell her the full story behind something in my teens and early 20s, for fear she would leave me. She was a "good girl" and a nerd in high school and i was the class clown, thugged-out loser, with no thoughts of a future, so i felt i had to keep up a facade or she would leave me. I know, I've got issues. Anyway, I never cheated, but lied none the less about major things like what college i was going to (community college for 6 months) or my smoking habit that started at 13. I once even left town for a week or so without telling or contacting her, just to go out for a weekend event with my boys. I told her i was one place and i was really at a college party. I got caught by one of her college roommates. As i got older and more comfortable with her and myself, i told her the truths behind my lies. I also told her i used to threaten to break up with her, not because i really wanted to, but because i used that as a form of control over her. My confessions weren't taken lightly, but i promised to change and we moved on. Well about three and a half years ago, on a Saturday night, i was extremely drunk, extremely depressed and extremely alone--800 miles aways from my love. That night, old habits arose. All week she would go out with friends in her city. Meanwhile, I'd be home sobbing in my pillow over my lonely life in grad school. When i would call her because i needed to talk, she wouldn't answer until like 3 or 4 in the morning. Instead of telling her i needed to talk that night, i told her she would be better off without me, because I was a loser. She told me before, that if i ever threatened to break up again, she wasn't coming back. But i still went there. Between the over-the-phone tears and the questions of "are you sure," from her, I realized my old tactics aren't going to work this time. So i begged her back into my life, told her i would never try and break up with her again and she took me in. However, she told me she lost some love for me that night. After a few months, things were almost 100 percent again until i found her high school diary under her bed. I took it and i read it and i was shocked by some of the things in there. She told me when we first got together that i was her first (sexually) and i was only the second guy she had ever kissed. The diary told a different story. Nothing dealing with sex, but first and second base with some third guy for sure. Instead of letting it go, because the stuff in the diary was way before us, I took the diary back to my house 800 miles away. Then i made up some elaborate story about the boy in her diary and how i met him one day he told me about their episode. I did it trying to catch her in a lie, which i did. But when i called her on it and told her i had her diary, she denied her own written words. She also said she felt hurt that i once again lied to her and i stole her diary. Even through she broke into my email and made up a lie to chec the numbers on my phone a year before. Regardless, we stayed together after the diary episode. Since then, i noticed certain things cut off from her. Not a lot of affection or"I love yous," and sex almost came to a screeching halt.When we did engage in love making, she acted uninterested or frustrated. My self confidence took a dive after her many "You're not touching me right" or "I'm done" or "You act like you don't know my body anymore." But i was doing all of the same things and then some that she had loved for years (better in fact). It's just that she didn't seem into me. And that led me to frustration, which i bottled up. I would go silent and not talk to her because i didn't want to even hint that the relationship was failing or had problems. I believed that if i did say something, she would take that as another break up threat. Knowing all of this is taking place, i still moved to her city and into her apartment. But her distance could still be felt and felt harder now that i saw her everyday. I would initiate sex, like i had done for a majority of the time and she would act uninterested or frustrated. I would then feel like a piece of **** and go silent. This cycle went on and on. I finally asked why are you acting like this toward me. "I know it's deeper than sex," I told her. She just said i don't do it like i used to. While all of this was going on i proposed to her to show her my undying love. The response sucked as i said before, but we were engaged. The problems, however, remained, the wedding planning completely stopped, i could never talk about the future with her because she would get frustrated. So we finally decided to go to counseling. Side note: She was in grad school in her city studying to be a doctor. Unfortunately, a few months before i came to live with her, she failed out of the program. We made a deal after college that the first one who has a chance, should move to the other's city. She didn't and i felt hurt. She said she wanted to transfer some of her old credits into a masters program at her same school. I never told her that i felt she chose three or four credits over moving to my city. Instead, i packed up my things and moved out to be with her to comfort her and to save my relationship.End note During our sessions with the relationship councilor, my woman said half of her wants to stay with me and the other half wants to break up. Our therapist told her she had to decide because she is destroying herself and me by hanging on the fence. In addition, i wanted to stay in the relationship. She cried and got mad about being the one having to make the decision. We then decided that i should move out while we take a two month break for her to make her decision. It took longer than i expected to move out, so for three months we continued to live together, laughed together, even had good sex together. Then one night after giving her flowers and wine and telling her she was my special lady, she told me she wanted to end the relationship. I was shocked, but she said she didn't just come to this conclusion over night. After she ended it, it took her three days to take the ring off, which i asked for her to remove. for the next few days we still laugh and play together, we still go out and hold hands together and even cuddle and cry together. Hell, we grew up together and she is my best friend. After begging her to come back and telling her things will get better in the relationship if she gave me one more chance, she told me she still loves me, but love is not enough. She said we are on two separate plains,the relationship doesn't seem to be getting better, communication between us sucks, i never trusted her, I manipulated her and she doesn't know herself or what she wants anymore. "I'm hollow," she said. Therefore, her decision is final. Well, i can't handle that and i want her back. So i guess my questions are...Do they ever come back? Has she found someone else? Can i save this relationship? Have i lost her forever? Is someone coaching her to stay the course? (she's seeing a therapist) Also given my long story, is this even worth saving? I love this woman to death and i will do anything to get her back--legally. We've never been broken up and we are two weeks into this and her decision hasn't changed. I still live with her, but I'm moving out tomorrow. I know i messed up royally in my past but she can't forgive me. I'm a good man, who is striving to be even better. I know we both have a lot of growing up to do as we are both in our mid 20s. but we had always planned to marry once we were done with school. What is your take on all of this? Please help as my heart is hurting and my mind is restless. She says her decision also hurts and she can't sleep, nor eat. We even lay together in bed crying and holding each other. Is this really the end...
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female
reader, 9 years +, writes (25 August 2006):
I think it is, as hard as that might sound. I have recently gone through a similar scenario at the age of 46 and believe me it still hurts. Once all those lies have been admitted theres no going back, love doesn't conquer all. The hurt you are both feeling now isn't just because of whats happened in the past and that its all over. Its also because, deep down, you aren't meant to be together. You're both making each other miserable. The break will hurt theres no way round that, but stick to your guns and move on. Keep out of a relationship for a while and clear your head.
A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 It sounds familiar in many ways and although everyone's experience is individual, there is no crystal ball to either tell you the outcome, or the right decision. All you can do is accept her decision as the party to make the move and respect it.
I have done the same, cried with my ex partner 30 years ago that we loved each other, yet other issues entangled in the relationship, though we were much younger than you are now. He later admitted controlling behaviour to test my love which in turn caused insecurity in me. Nothing can change the habits you have both developed without help or time. You say someone is 'coaching' her and this is not fair. If she is in counselling, then she is not being coached but being given space in a non-judgemental way to explore her needs and the outcome is her decision as a result of her exploring her thoughts as a seperate entity to yours. This is what she NEEDS to do. It may seem harsh, but if leaving the relationship is what she has to do, then you must stand by that. You have to risk 'losing' her and her losing you to move on. In time, you both may feel you can start again, but not with all those years of baggage and blame seeping into every crack being made use of. What one did or the other did will no longer matter, it is how you move forward that counts, so you need to build your life expecting it to be without her. Right now that will seem impossible, but you can do it, most of us have to do it at some point. You cannot measure love over time. I still love my first husband though he is married to someone else, I still miss him even though it was 30 years since we split over childish reasons. I am splitting from my present husband of 27 years, and although I do not love him in the same way, it is hard to move forward. My friend is just having the accept a divorce from a woman he adores because she is not happy being married anymore. Your ex fiance has realised that the cracks in your relationship are crumbling and she needs to vacate so that healing that take place. Let that healing take place for you too, be determined to recognise that this needs to happen so you can find your reference point that may come full circle back to her or someone else, or maybe just fulfilment on your own. The best thing is to show her you can survive and be strong and consistant, so if you meet again you can wipe out the past as being different people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): Your story is touching however I am concerned that niether of you has ever dated other pepole. I doubt that either of you will ever be truely happy with one another unless you experience dating as and adult. I'm sure your girlfriend loves you but she does not see the value in your relationship becuse she has no one to compare your relationship to. The grass is always greener on the other side. In this case it appears that you both have spent the most signifigant years of your life in a committed relationship. I think you need to give her space and let her go if only for the moment. She is longing to have the space she needs to figure out who she is and what she wants from life. Sometimes this cannot be done if you are in a relationship. I can't imagine how either of you were able to become comfortable with your selves as individuals if your late adolesants and early adulthood development occured within a longterm relationship. How do you know that you want to marry her? Has the thought ever crossed your mind that their may be an even more compatable person waiting for you? You may discover by being by yourself that you do not want to be in a relationship with her. In addition to this is sounds as if you are not afraid of losing her, but of being alone. Discovering who you are without a girlfriend.
I think a break away from the relationship would be healthy for both of you. If you are meant to reunite and find that you are compatabe and share an adult love for one another than you will reunite. However you relationship will be solidified by the fact that you are completly committed to the relationship with out any doubts.
Hope this is helpful to you!
Carameljac MS. LCSW
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