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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi Agony Aunts and Uncles...I have a problem with my ex. After 2 months of no contact, my ex now wants to see me again. He has treated me badly in the past - dumped me by just not answering my calls etc....I was madly in love with him, and really thought he felt the same. He got back in touch 2 months ago....rekindled the flame again (I didn't sleep with him)...but then bailed out (again!) And that was the last time he messed me around. I put an end to everything by telling him to never contact me again. And I meant it!! And that was that. I was fine getting on with my life without him. But he has now again got back in touch....I tried to ignore his texts...but he kept on contacting me....eventually I responded (it's hard when you love someone, to ignore their contact).He now lives in another country (part of the reason why he tried to cut me off) but telephoned me yesterday to say he wants to see me - he is visiting my country (UK) next week. I tried to talk about the past with him - he knows how hurt I am over him - he just said that we can talk about it all when he comes over. He knows how much I love him - I've never told him, but it's so obvious!!My problem is that I still love him, but am fearful of him manipulating my feelings.......and I know we will end up in bed, if he just says a few sweet things to me. I have no control where he is concerned.I don't know whether to meet with him as I'm so scared he will show me all the love I want, sleep with me....and then go back to his country and cut me off again (he has done this before).But at the same time, I want to meet with him in case there is a chance that he realises the great person (i.e. me!) that he has lost. Because we got together when he was going through a lot of personal issues....I just feel that maybe he has had time to rethink what he wants. I need to talk to him to find out if he will come back to UK, where he used to live....explore the possibilities of us starting a relationship again, but this time with strict rules!I really don't understand men. I have friends where they had relationships where the guy was a total bastard to them....but when they withdrew from him...he realised how much he loved her.....they are now married!I do love this man very much, but not if he treats me badly yet again (he's had lots of personal issues, which I believe has left him with problems with dealing with his emotions).Is there anything I can do to explore this opportunity whilst remaining in control of the situation?Help please!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): Hi,
I'm the original poster of the question again.
Well...I've never taken the opportunity in the past to tell him what I want from my relationship with him - probably because I was too scared in the past...and also all the other things he had going on in his life made it difficult for me to approach the subject.
That is my reason for meeting him - to at least express to him what it is that disappoints me about him.
And, after that - there really isn't anything else I can do. If he doesn't want to respect what I am saying, then I will not have anything more to do with him.
Is that not reasonable of me? Or am I still being too weak?
Thanks for all the advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): No, I too don't think there is anything you can do to gain control of his feelings.
Sorry to sound harsh, but he knows he can use you by telling you whatever he thinks you want to hear - and you'll swallow it.
It would definitely NOT be a good idea to meet him for coffee. Presumably you have in times past told him - or made know to him, what you want from a relationship, and he has clearly failed and does not care to step up to the plate, as it were. I can't see that anything would be gained by meeting him and trying to repeat it.
Just let him go. Why in heaven's name you can "love" him very much when he treats you in such a lousy manner is beyond me. Personal issues or not, is no excuse, either!
Get some backbone and recognize that you CAN and DO have control of yourself. You CAN and you WILL tell him not to bother contacting you. You'll tell him this, that is, if you value yourself and have some self-respect and want what is in your own best interests.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): Hi there and thanks for your replies and suggestions...
Another friend has actually given me the suggestion of meeting him for a coffee (anywhere that's not my flat!)...and hear what he has to say for himself. As well as express all my upsets...and what I expect from him or anyone that I maintain a friendship or relationship with. My friend suggested that when we meet, I say that I only have a couple of hours....and leave after that timespan...after which I've explained what I need from him, if we take things further.
I quite like this idea, as I get to see him, talk to him, but also explain why I'm upset with him...and what he would need to do to make things right.
Of course, depends on my being strong enough to walk away. And then it's up to him as to whether he chases me or not.
What do you think of this option? Any men want to give me their opinions also, please?
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 Nope, there is nothing you can do to explore this 'opportuniy' whilst remaining in control of the situation. You've already proven this to yourself by continuing to go back to him, and not being strong enough to ignore his text messages after you vowed to yourself it was over. I have a question for you. Why would you want to convince a guy who manipulates you, jerks you around and plays with your emotions, that you are a great person? He wouldn't appreciate it you if it smacked him in the face, let alone is 'shown' to him. Avoid this situation... it is poison, and I think you already know this.
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A
female
reader, ingotblue  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 Hiya, I have been here. He told me he loved me that he wanted me then he just treated me the same as he always did.
What I would say, because the question that always burned in my mind was did I ever do enough? did I try my hardest to make it work?.
Is that yes you have to be sure. I would speak to him on the phone before you meet see if he is spinning the same lines.
If you feel that it hasnt changed and you will know in your heart of hearts, then you have to stand by your decision to keep him cut off, If you feel that if he gets in contact again you wont be able to resist then change your number sim cards are cheap now and it will save you a lot of heart ache.
I too loved my man, he took what he wanted ran and when he thought he could get more he came back.
you do have to be strong, I knew in my heart of hearts even if i didnt want to believe it he had told me what I had wanted to hear.
My heart goes out to you hun but you know what you have to do.
I wish you all the best
xx
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