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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Is it possible to remain friends and have sex with a man you love deeply and have spent many years with while moving on?He never cheated,or physical abuse but was very unhappy with himself and no matter what I did could not prove the the truth of my love to him.He moved out but has asked me if we can remain friends and have sex, or no sex if that's what I want. He says he is deeply connected to me and loves me more then anyone, but he needs to learn how to love himself too,and does not like living with me and needs to learn how to live with himself. He only wants to love me and make love to me, see each other a few times a week and spend some time with me on occasion.He told me he has low self esteem and doesn't want to keep hurting me by being so mistrustful. He said he has had too many women cheat on him and as a result feels suspicious of me even tho he knows Im not doing anything bad to him, we have known each other forever and started as friends fell in love and have lived with each other for 6 years.He also said that he cannot at this time give me everything that I deserve like a house and marriage and nice things he wants me to have better and he is no good for me and loves me so much that he would rather loose me to someone that can give me those things then to cheating.I only want to be with him and love him,and never asked him to be rich and give me the world on a silver platter.I just want the basic's nothing special, yes I want a house and marriage but none of those things seem as good without him.His logical reasoning is that we are good and happy when we don't see each other everyday and the sex is fantastic and that is what he believes he can give me good, that we can still love each other that way without the pressures of measuring up.He only wants me to want to see him and love him the way we know how to love each-other.He likes it when Im happy to see him and want to be around him and when we see each other every day we just make each other miserable.This is true...all of it true, no matter how much I give,and give,and give of myself he is so messed up in the heart and head, I cannot make him happy.Before he left he asked when he could see me again , I told him I didn't know that I needed to figure some things out and needed some space. He seemed so sad...feels like he has put me in control of our relationship I get to decide?This is the part that confuses me, is he trying to create a back burner while finding himself,and moving on?He also says its OK for me to date and see other guys , he would rather loose me to someone I love then to cheating.Do these things ever really work out?I'm almost inclined to tell him no thanks call me if you figure things out? Any advice?
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fell in love, moved out, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 This guy is bad news. Drop him like a bad habit.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 Would you be ok if he said..."DO you mind if I use your body parts for my own release and satisfaction? "
OR
"You made a fine seminal recepticle in the past and I would like to enjoy that at my will without any emotinal entangements or responsibilities."
Suggest response "Thanks for the offer, but I will pass. Oh, but I will think of you while you use this." Then hand him a bottle of hand lotion.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 August 2011):
 Okay, this is what I hear this guy saying when I read everything here:
"Blah Blah Blah Blah I want to have sex Blah Blah Blah with you and other people blah blah blah."
All the crap about not wanting to distrust you so he wants you to see other women and he has issues and all the other women cheated on him and the "I need to love myself" is all a bunch of grade A crap.
After all these years, this guy hasn't grown up. And every millisecond you spend with him is wasting YOUR time that you will never ever get back.
He needs to be cut out of your life. The "many years" you spent with him are more than enough time to see if his maturity factor kicks in. It didn't, and now he offered the biggest insult of them all -- he still wants to USE you. That's right...he wants to use you. Someone who is in love would not want to use their object of affection.
You need to drop the guy, allow your heart to heal, and find someone without the commitment problems. The time will never come back. Now that you KNOW you're wasting your time, don't waste another second. Don't have sex with him until you find someone else. That will actually stop you from finding someone else.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 Its a falacy thinking you can remain unattached yet have sex. If you both genuinely wanted to move on,you would make a fresh start,sever the chord.Consider this;if you were the one who was unhappy but still in love,would you still end the relationship like he did or work to make things better? I know i would'nt,no matter how messed up my head was.You know he's just being your typical guy,asking to remain friends but still wanting to go at it like they do on the discovery channel. As far as I can tell,he is all just words,saying what your ears want to hear. It's all about getting the 'goodies' minus the committment or responsibility(your average lazy guys wet dream and a red flag that you should'nt carelessly overlook)He knows your emotional hot buttons,and is just simply pushing them. He knows what melody to play on his pipers flute to get you to dance to his tune. You say you have lived together six years. When a guy genuinely loves a woman for that long,he'd put a ring on her finger.Your BF however just seems to be pussyfooting and skirting around serious issues concerning the two of you. Material and superficial things are not the be all and end all in a serious relationship. Growth experienced as a couple is of more importance,committment,sacrifice,compromise just to name a few.You seem to have strong feelings for this guy and nothing anyone says might change that,but you need to have a serious heart to heart with him and find common ground on the way forward for the both of you.Your guy needs to step up and stop making the excuses you mentioned here. To be honest you need to avail your self to him less and less,let him do the work as he thinks about what he wants of your relationship. I'd never be ok with my girl dating other guys.Too painful! And him talking that way makes me question him
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (11 August 2011):
 You were living together all those years? Mistake number one. If YOU want to be married, don't move in.
Seeing him occasionally for sex isn't going to make any problems go away and generally women remained attached to the person they have sex with, guys - not so much. So that would only benefit your ex. If jealousy is his problem, he's not going to be any less attached by a FWB relationship and will probably still be pissed if you find a boyfriend/fiance/husband - and how would YOU explain a FWB relationship to the new guy? Pretty sure the whole FWB relationship phenomena was started by horny guys with commitment issues anyways!
He sounds screwed up, my dear.
"I'm almost inclined to tell him no thanks call me if you figure things out? Any advice?"
Follow your own best advice. See above. And him figuring things out would have to include a formal proposal, followed by a marriage preparatory course and plans to put a down payment on a home - because that's what a grown man does for his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): Hey, I really empathise with you. I've been there myself and my advice is don't do it! I split up with my bf, we'd lived together 7 years, he wanted time to 'sort himself out' but told me he loved me, etc etc. So I spent the next year of my life being friends with him (which basically meant me supporting him, being there for him, etc), and a year of having sex with him, until he told me he'd found someone else. I think he'd basically been stringing me along knowing I still loved him, using me as a friend with benefits until he managed to get with the girl he was really interested in. It made the process of getting over him much harder, but at that point, I cut all contact. It was hard, but worth it. I am so much happier now, and know that I deserve better than what he was offering. I think the same is true of you. My advise is to cut contact. If he really loves you, he'll sort himself out quickly, get his act together, and come back to you offering the kind of relationship you want and deserve. Don't be his toy that he can pick up and put down whenever he feels like it. You deserve better :)
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A
female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 He just wants someone to have sex with. Don't sell yourself short and be used by him. All or nothing. Either full relationship or walk away.
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