A
female
age
,
*eebee1
writes:My father's memorial service and reception will be next week and I just found out that my ex-sister-in-law is planning to attend and sit with the family. My father was very angry with this woman for what she did to my brother and their 2 young children. She re-married, a man who also had 2 young children, less than a year after divorcing my brother. The rest of my family is not thrilled with her, and having her sit with us in the front of the church will be extremely awkward. She will probably go to the reception afterwards where she will also not be welcome. I'm not sure how to handle this situation, my brother is not up to the task of telling her to stay away. I was thinking possibly the minister could talk to her and tell her, out of respect, to stay away. Any suggestions for how to deal with this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): I would have your brother tell her. She's his ex-wife after all so if it's anyone's duty to tell her it's his.
If he refuses to tell her but nonetheless doesn't want her there, then I would have the minister talk to her but only if he will say it's his idea for her to stay away. If he tells her that you or your family asked him to just be the messenger then this is even worse than if you were to tell her yourself.
She's still the mother of your nieces/nephews so she's still going to be part of your family's life for years to come so you don't want to make things worse than they already are.
beware of whether your brother actually does want to allow her there. She is the mother of his kids after all.
A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (27 August 2011):
 My father passed away a couple of years ago, so I know how devastating it is. I would say just tell her calmly and honestly that your family would prefer that she not attend. Before doing so I would consider your brother's children first though. They are hurting and they do need their mum for support. My main concern is that the children could be very hurt by your family not allowing their mum to be there for them when they are already hurting so badly, and they could grow to resent your family for it in time. When my father passed away, 2 of my 4 brother's made the arrangement as I was helping my Mum and they excluded one of my brothers who is estranged from them because they didn't want him around because of something he did in the past. Now our family has been torn apart, as it was the wrong thing to do. Her being your ex-sister in law, is a little different, but the fact remains that she is the children's mother and always will be. The funeral is about your Dad, and everyone who loved him should be allowed to have the people they need most to give them support through this difficult time, that includes the children. You can request that if she is there she doesn't sit with the family, but rather behind the family. I believe that at any funeral people should be able to find forgiveness and tolerance for one day to pay respects to the person they loved, and keep the past in the past where it belongs for that one day. I am ashamed to say that 2 of my brothers didn't do this for my father and I have lost a lot of respect for them for this, as it caused my mother further unwarranted pain because of their selfish behavior. I would talk to your brother and ask him whether he is sure that he wants his children to have to face the day without their mother's presence before doing anything.Lastly I would like to say how sorry I am that you have your beloved father and I hope that everything goes well and that everyone can focus on the love your father had for each and everyone in your family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): difficult one this, I know there are people I don't want at my funeral and have made a list!
I think she must be pretty thick skinned to sit with the family - she must surely be aware of the bad feeling towards her.However she clearly wants to pay her respects to your father.
Its a difficult time for the family, the loss is enough. I would ask her to sit apart from you all and not attend the reception afterwards,tell her its for immediate family and close friends - do it by letter if you don't feel up to facing her.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2011):
 "Sounds" like the service and reception are being held in a house of worship....
How about buying in to the spirit of the place and turning the other cheek? The view is better from the high road.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 August 2011):
 Hi Beebeel
You can always exclude a person from a funeral by arranging a private funeral where the funeral is arranged privately with no publicity and not announced until after the funeral has been held. And by asking specific people who have been invited to respect that they are invited only because they were so important to the deceasedd. And ask those persons to not put any notice in the newspaper until after the family have announced the funeral.
often a private funeral is only attended by a very small number of people. With perhaps only one Eulogy given to celebrate the life of the deceased.
When there is great animosity I think it helps if a very tactful non-family member (but known friend of the family) who can act with dignity can be the master of ceremonies. That does not have to be the funeral director - who is often too impersonal, unless well known to the family.
A private funeral is often arranged for a death by suicide when the family are extremely distressed, and far too sad to face anyone. Often no notice is put in the paper either when a person dies as a result of suicide. I do not disagree with a Private Funeral.
Though I think a beautiful Obituary published later, giving homage to the person who has died is a very nice thing to do. But there is no reason why even an Obituary has to be published.
You can always explain later that the immediate family were too consumed with grief and so could not handle a funeral service and a Memorial Service Afterward nor a wake after that as their grief was so immense.
Grief is a terrible thing and leaves our emotions so raw and so much more sensitive than usual. There is never a 'right time' to lose someone we love. Losing your father is indeed a huge event in your life. And it will take some time to work through your grief.
A funeral should be about a celebration of the life of the one who has passed.
But so often a Funeral seems so full of a swirling mass of conflicted emotions. Bitterness, revenge, guilt, anger, you name it. And when that happens it is much sadder, for the memory of the deceased is affected by the animosity of all this negative emotion at the funeral.
Occasionally a funeral can be very calm and dignified. But not always.But it is far nicer when a funeral allows forgiveness and compassion to reign.
And it is not unusual for people to exclude people or want to exclude people or attempt to exclude people. That does happen often.
When attending any funeral one hopes that forgiveness and love can be the mark of the funeral. It is nicer to recall a funeral knowing there was no animosity.
Your father has died. You will need people you love to support you at the funeral.
Your brother will surely be grieving too? And he will have people who care about him too at the funeral. The children of you brother will also be grieving for their grandfather. Those children have a father who will be grieving and therefore their mother's support may be appreciated to give them some additional comfort and support?
I have been to funerals more than once where someone the family did not feel good about attended. One funeral was completely marred by the unforgiving family, angry about their intended son in law, who was due to marry his beloved fiance the week after, but instead his finace passed away. the grieving parents brought shame on themselves by the unforgivable way they treated the grieving fiance. Refusing to speak to him. Refusing to allow him any part of the planning of the funeral. Refusing to allow him to say a word at the funeral.It marred the funeral horribly. Some forgiveness is a beautiful thing to do for the deceased
Another funeral I attended the daughter was estranged from her mother. The grandmother had died. The funeral was supposed to be about the grandmother who was very loved in the community. The daughter is and always has been very kind. Yet that funeral was marred by the grand daughter speaking badly of her mother to anyone she could at the funeral. It rather over-shadowed the funeral of the grandmother.
And the shame was on this grand daughter who had not bothered to remember her grandmother's birthday or any other celebration year after year. Despite the grandmother's great generosity to the grand daughter.
A funeral is not an opportunity to score points off family members.
The funeral I regarded as the most dignified was one that I saw reported on TV. A man, well known in the community, had died. He had a wife who he lived with. I did not know that he also had a long term paramour as well. The wife allowed the paramour to come to speak to the dying man before he died. That is class. The eldest son of the man escourted his Mom into the funeral. The second son escourted the paramour and sat with her, with his own mother's blessing, in another part of the Church. There was no obvious animosity in the vision I saw. And although the wife and the paramour did not meet in public it was clear that they had agreed to act with dignity at the funeral. I do not condone the man having a wife and a paramour, but I do condone the dignity of the family at his very public funeral.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Often in very short supply. But the world might be more peaceful if it was more often employed.
I do hope that your father's funeral proceeds with dignity as a celebration of his life with no evident animosity for anyone to have to suffer
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A
female
reader, iluvhellokitty97 +, writes (27 August 2011):
I would just sit her down and tell her the truth. I would tell her in the calmest nicest way I can and tell her that I had no intention on hurting her (if that's how she might take it). And if she still decides on going I would strongly suggest that she goes by herself. I would also tell her thank you for caring about your father, jsut in case she gets upset. Good Luck!
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