A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:This summer I had a full-time internship that took up most of my time during the week and I had long, early hours. My boyfriend of 5 years and I couldn't see each other as often as we wanted since I lived at a dorm, he lived pretty far away, and I had to go to sleep early every day after work to get up early the next morning. I developed attractions to two of the guys at my internship, who also lived at my dorm. I hadn't developed such strong crushes during my relationship with my boyfriend before, so I felt really guilty and decided to tell him about it. He revealed to me that he developed a crush on one of his close friends, but he never cheated and he never wanted to be with them. We talked about it a lot, and it has gotten a lot better. However, now that I've been finished with my internship for a few months now, I sometimes get the urge to text one of my old crushes to see how he is doing. I never got the closure of knowing if he had a crush on me too, but it seemed like he did when I remember how he would interact with me. We never texted often, we would only hang out after working during the internship and it seemed like we had a good connection. I told my boyfriend that I have the urge to text my ex crush just to see how he's doing. My boyfriend admitted to missing his ex crush too, however, he and his friend were much closer to each other than I was to my crush. My boyfriend and I have been together for so long, and I often feel insecure about my looks. He compliments me and tries to reassure me that I'm beautiful but my mind convinces me otherwise. My insecurity seems to be really high right now. I'm currently in school and I have very few friends and no close friends here. My boyfriend is my best friend and we see each other every weekend. However, I miss the feeling of being crushed on or having a crush. It feels good to feel like someone is attracted to you. I'm worried that my inability to love myself is destroying my relationship with my boyfriend by making me want validation from other people. The guy I want to reach out to lives in Switzerland so I wouldn't be able to have a romantic relationship with him anyway; but this isn't the only reason why I want to be with my boyfriend instead. You can't just throw away 5 years of a relationship. He is my best friend and we know each other better than anyone knows us. He told me to tell him when I'm missing the other guy, and I did, but he is understandably hurt and upset that I told him. I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice on how to love myself without the validation of others? I'm sorry this is so long, but I wanted to provide accurate context for the situation. How can I be happy with my relationship even though we aren't in the honeymoon phase anymore?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): OP, I do not think that you have an inability to love yourself! In fact you love yourself sooo much, that you want to cheat on your boyfriend, with your Swiss crush! Further, you are seeking our approval to contact him, in order to maintain unnecessary contact with him, in order to set up a hook up! You get no approval from me! You also are lying to us. You say your bf had a crush, but he told you about it, and he neither cheated or desired to cheat! You described how You spent time after work with Your Swiss Pal, but did not have time to talk to your bf, after work, because you needed to get straight to sleep, to be rested for the next day. Then you turn right around and tell us that your bf was closer to his crush, than you were to Mr Swiss! Really? No time to speak to Your bf after work, but you did have time to hang out with your crush, after work! Your bf said he thinks of his crush sometimes, but he did not say that he wants to contact her! Miss, you are walking near the edge of a very slippery slope!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): I'll attribute some of your naivete to your youth, and consider the fact you really haven't dated anyone else other than your boyfriend since you were between 13-16.
At your age, crushes develop every other week. Telling your boyfriend of 5 years you're crushing on other guys is very insensitive. It isn't very smart! You're young, but not a little-child! It may be an indication you've been with your boyfriend too long! Your only reason to stay with him is for the sake of consistency, habit, and familiarity; but not because you still feel strong romantic-feelings for him. If his validation isn't enough; then you have to let him go. Not go fishing for compliments from other guys. You don't get to have your cake and to eat it too!
You're very clever at dodging criticism for psychologically-cheating on your boyfriend; which doesn't make you all that innocent, nor naive. That nonsense about not feeling that good about yourself is very transparent, my dear!
You're also slyly avoiding being told you're being unfaithful; because, like you said, you seek validation and approval. I'm skeptical, and I'll take your word you've told your boyfriend about your crushes; and he admitted to crushing himself. Sorry, but guys don't knowingly do that to their "insecure" girlfriends! I doubt he told you that, but that's neither here nor there. If you truly care for him, his compliments are taken to heart; not put on the shelf like they have no impact or meaning to you.
Your relationship is developing into a convenience and slowly devolving into a platonic-friendship. You've friendzoned your boyfriend! Meanwhile, you want to keep him oblivious; until you develop enough nerve to leave, or you're certain the other guy(s) are truly into you! You want other guys to flirt with you??? While you hold-onto and continue to possess your loyal and faithful boyfriend. Keeping someone handy to fallback on; so you won't be alone. The guy you can still claim as your boyfriend; meanwhile, sticking with what's reliable and familiar for old-time's sake. Until someone comes along bold and blatant enough to take you away from him.
That's not nice!!! It's not fair to your boyfriend, and committing to someone means you don't seek flirtations, get hit on, or crave validation from other guys! Looking for feelings from others in place of your boyfriend; whom you're clinging to like a locket or a keepsake. You're hurting his feelings and breaking his heart.
Let's be honest! Maybe your relationship has run its course, and it's time to let-go and move on?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): I'm the first person to say don't throw away a relationship because the honeymoon phase is over. And I would also say that crushes happen and there's no need to blow them out of proportion.
However, it really does seem like you aren't in love with your boyfriend, you are just afraid of change. The fact that you want to message this guy you barely know to get 'closure' is a big red flag. you don't want closure, you want to open it up again. You want the thrill. Which is normal because you're at most 21 by your profile.
Perhaps you and your boyfriend have outgrown each other and would be better off as friends?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): Leave your bf. Don't waste your and his time. You don't love him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 November 2019):
 Closure from a crush? Contacting a crush while you are in a relationship with another man (your boyfriend), to see if he was crushing on you at the same time?
Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with your boyfriend, wanting to know if another guy felt the same about you as you did him would suggest otherwise. Maybe you and your boyfriend are lacking some maturity, based on the age you have given, considering you have been together for 5 years it means you were in your early to mid teens when you started dating.
If the honeymoon phase has passed and your relationship feels more like a comfy pair of shoes than an exciting adventure maybe the two of you have outgrown each other.
Decide if the crushes were a wake up call, and consider how you want to live the rest of your life, and who with.
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