A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear reader,My ex and I recently ended our 7 month relationship. But it has left me with many unresolved questions and scars in my memory that I still continue to question and figure out myself what really went wrong between us.My ex is 11 years younger than me, she recently turned 19. She has the following:-Medical: Aspergers Syndrome, Haemophilia, Anaemia, Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome-Psychological: manic Depression, mild Bi-Polar disorder, Trichotillomania (Anxiety), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)Her parents, both from privileged backgrounds, separated when she was a child. Her father passed away 2yrs ago from heart problems, he was an avid drug user. Her mum now single, remarried twice. My ex lives with her mum who is a smoker, has depression. They both don't have a close relationship with each other. When my ex was about 5 years old, her father was drunk and when they fell asleep on the same bed, her father touched her inappropriately for a short time. But she somewhat understood that her dad thought it was another woman with him.She has had years of social awareness and speech therapy and counselling before she turned 18. When we met last year, she wasn't working or studying as he was taking a break for a year. She has a passion for body art, and wanted to continue with her tattooing career but was finding the right contact to get back into it.She's attractive, exotic, charismatic, affectionate, witty and gets along very well with strangers, great with pets and children and people are instantly attracted to her for her uniquely good looks, foreign accent, care and charm.Unlike the typical characteristics of an aspie, she was very affectionate, and does show some eye contact. She was very intelligent, with a hint of childish behaviour.She said of all her past relationships, most of them were unfaithful to her, or somewhat used her. One time she was furious when she found out her ex cheated on her, she cut herself about 40 times all over her arms and thighs. 3 months into the relationship I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells. I had to be careful with the way I spoke, who I hung out with, spending time with her every day till 4-5am, etc. While she had lots of time on her hands, I was trying to balance by social, work and love life. About 3 months into the relationship she claimed that she was in love with me and wanted to marry me and move out together. I felt a lot of pressure and she was so focused and direct with what she wanted, and I wasn't on that same level of intensity in such a short time frame.One night when we had a small argument, I said that I was leaving (to go home), but she thought I was leaving her for good. She instantly broke into tears, and took 29 sleeping pills and 9 codeine tablets, and begged me to marry her and started confessing many other things. It was so bad I ended up saying 'yes' in hopes she wouldn't do anything irrational.I became more fascinated with the disorders she had and I read as much as I could to understand why we had such a turbulent relationship.Months later, I told her about a new tattoo studio near my work place. From there she talked her way to getting full time job there. She started covering her self-inflicting scars with tattoos. She started meeting new people, new clients, made friends on similar wavelengths and interests as her. It was clear since then, our relationship turned sour, we spoke and hung out less, and eventually we ended up breaking up.I just wasn't sure if her past history or her mentality played a part in our misunderstandings and communication breakdown, or because we were just on completely different wavelengths or upbringing. I've made some mistakes in the relationship as well. Sometimes I feel so guilty for sharing some of her disorders with friends, only because when I tried to understand it directly from my ex, I was walking on eggshells, hence I needed someone to understand what I was going through. Plus she felt that I was bargaining with her when I suggested that she and I communicated about our problems constructively, rather than seeking help elsewhere. It's been 4 months since we've broken up, we don't talk to each other anymore. I felt I was treated unfairly in the relationship as well (which I won't go into details), and it really made me mentally ill with depression and paranoia, low self esteem, and tension with my friends. I also felt that boundaries were crossed. She ended up breaking up with me because we weren't going anywhere with each other, and she felt earlier in our relationship that I was half-hearted about the entire relationship. I've never met anyone like her. Although she as an Aspie (AS) and I was a Neuro (NT), I tried my best to maintain our relationship, and without judgement. She didn't want relationship counselling. She suggested I was "socially retarded", nor could I study psychology because I have "no self awareness". These are just a taste of some hurtful words. Was our relationship a complete lie? Was I in a controlling/manipulative relationship? Were her actions a reflection of her insecurities and self esteem? Will she realise that it wasn't easy to cope with all the 'baggage' in such a short matter of time, that our relationship wasn't an easy one?Time will eventually mend our broken hearts, but I'm left mentally and emotionally drained, and depressed. I'm left beating myself with self-blame. Still, I wish her well, and hope she (and I) don't have to go through another phase of life's dramas.There's too much more to write here. Your insights are much appreciated...
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a break, depressed, drunk, her ex, her past, my ex, self esteem, sleeping pills, tattoo Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (7 March 2011):
 Until someone learns to effectively manage their instabilities, they will cause undue stress in the lives of those close to them. Though you tried hard for your relationship, which is honorable, you can't make someone better.
Someone who is emotionally taxing isn't loving you the way you need, because someone who truly loves you won't be emotionally and mentally exhaustive.
So, the best you can do is move on and take this as a lesson learned.
-You know now not to "fix" someone, just find someone who is right for you and compliments your character.
-You understand that you need a supportive partner, just as you are willing to be.
Take Care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): wow thats sooooooooooooo sweet i mean im 18 and i always fell inlove with older man...i think (this happened to me , but wasnt that big drama lol)
i fell badly inlove with a 30 yearold man...he was awesome and nice....but it wsa kind of a challenge to me...so i talked to him
and stuff..until he fell inlove for me andstuff like that...so we had a little relation ship.... but i got a bit scared cause i just fell everything was going out o my control so i just left him and ignored him :(
i loved him though .
i bet she loved you and still....but if she had lots of issues its better this way hun ... i mean.... why´d you need problems? try to look up and walk forward
there will always be sun for you
much love and hope you find some peace
...............................
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