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male
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*onsta
writes: Hi i came on here about a month ago to ask some advice and need alittle more! quick recap. Me and my ex of 4 1/2yrs split 10 weeks ago we have 2 kids (2 1/2 yrs old and 8mnths) we have moved into our first place 2 months prior to splitting and have lived together for 3 1/2yrs.I was not the best person with her ie i didnt always show my emotions BUT i was never nasty or abusive or anything like that.Since the split she has started talking to her ex which she never spoke to for the last 5 years, she says she wants to get back together but still remain friends with him but i know i could not do that because she has "just become" friends again i think there is some feelings there. i have explained the way i feel to her but it does not change anything.she has said clearly to me if i gave her the choice she would pick him! so if i said i would get back together with her if she stopped talking to him she would not get back with me is that right? i dont want to control her life in anyway but she has not spoke to him in so long so why choose him over me now? i just dont get it i was with her over twice as long. maybe its time to just walk away, but its hard becasue when we are together there is a spark and something there! advice would be appreciated. sorry for long post. Thankyou in advance
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male
reader, tonsta +, writes (10 November 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know it seems like i am trying to take control but i was not let me answer a few of your replies.
I know i could not handle her ex going around while i am at work is that so wrong? he was her first love, she did not speak to him for 5 years and now suddenly he is back on the scene now we have split up. I do not mind her having male friends i do not have an issue with this only her ex.
I have changed and tried to do everything the way she wanted but recently after getting back together SHE chose not to talk to him again but low and behold he text her last night asking if she was ok as she has been depressed lately with her own personal issues, i have been there for her and feel very hurt and let down she would turn to him
also i DO love her very much so with all my heart and soul but this does not mean i have to abide to all her demands.I was honest with her in the fact i didnt think it would work with him on the scene was it not best to be honest?
The friend i bumped into was not deliberate when we split i started hanging around with old friends "guys" and she turned up one night and i talked to her and it got back tto my ex there was no intential about it.
Thankyou for you advice though
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): I have to say my "spidey senses are tingling".
I think, from words revealled...she has changed since leaving... she wants to know she is in full control...Is this what she said word for word? I think not. I don't think she would have left if she was in full control and wants it back.
I think what she is saying is be what she needs and wants and you see it as her wanting control. An odd statement which would indicate that YOU have controlling issues.
Why would she want to give up the one person who can validate her; who can support her, who wants her to be happy? Why would she want to give up a friend in whom she can trust in? You should not feel threatened by this friend-you should see that she needs friends. The friend supports her in getting back with you and working on the relationship or she would have nothing to do with you if her and the friend were involved.
That isn't a healthy perspective you have on that Tonsa.
Why should coming back to you be dependent on her letting go of her friend? That isn't right.
She must be telling you the truth of who she is to him; a friend as she keeps TELLING you that she will come back to you and work on the relationship just LISTEN and BE what she NEEDS.
Tonsa, she wants and loves you but you do not love her the way she needs because you are being defensive and you need to seek some individual counselling. You have anger issues and this makes you re-act; not good.
You must be willing to hear the woman you love and change for her or it will not work and she will not want to come back to you and WORK on the relationship TOGETHER.
If you were the sweet, caring man; never abusive or nasty...why would she leave?
I don't believe she wants everything her way...I think she is asking for respect, trust, your love and you are unwilling to hear what she needs or be what she needs and so she says...I am telling you what I want and need from you and if you are willing to change that little bit to be what I need...I will come back; I want to trust in you but you are saying get rid of the friend, I am the way I am and so she says it's not going to work. Where is the fault in this?
You are incapable of hearing her and fulfilling her needs. You have stated this yourself.
If she has indeed changed and it is something you are unhappy with then why do you want her? She has told you she likes who she is now, she is happier being who she is now and you take it or leave it. You say no.
It's over. She isn't going back to how she was and it is clear. Let her go.
You should be happy knowing the woman you love is happier, stronger, more alive, and confident. You are not and this is highly questionable.
Oh and...you dilberately "started" talking to an old female friend to HURT her and get back at her. This indicates you have an unhealthy way of dealing with your anger and hurt and you need some counselling instead of someone to make your Ex jealous over. A good way to keep telling her she is worthless and that you don't love her.
Not good.
Your actions and words demonstrate you do not love your Ex otherwise you wouldn't be so quick to hurt her to derive delight in her pain. End it. Move on. Get some counsellling.
Want her back?
You must want it to work...it sounds like you both do...get some couples counselling; it will help you both get back on track and see what is needed for that healthy, loving, giving, respectful, trusting relationship that is needed for both of your future together and for happiness.
Best of wishes Tonsa.
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A
male
reader, tonsta +, writes (19 July 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have explained to her that i love her so much and we have had lovely days out together, and she has realised i have changed but i know within myself it would not work if she was to continue seeing her ex if she was friends with him while we was together it would be different, but she was not through her own choice becasue it was her that said she did not need him but yet now she wont give him up.i have tried talking to her so many time but to no avail she wants EVERYTHING her way, as if she wants to know she is in full control and i would have to do everything she wants.i dont think i could live like that. love is supposed to be special not how she is. she has changed in so many ways since being apart and i just dont know what to do! i am inclined to just walk away and count it as her loss. ALSO i have started speaking to an old friend (female) who has only ever been a friend and this bothers my ex and she basically asked me to give her up if we sorted things out but yet she wont do the same that is not fair! tho i would do anything(well nearly anything) to sort things out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): Neglect is a form of abuse-it's emotional abuse. Have you sought some counselling for yourself for you and your partner?
You are right to know that love should not be conditional and that telling her that if she comes back to you she has to end it with the Ex. That could come across as controlling and would only instill in her anger.
I'd tell her that you want her back and are willing to do what it takes- hear what she has to say. Are you prepared to do what she asks? Are you willing to continue to do and be what she needs? You don't want to say yes and then not do it. This will tell her you are not reliable and trustworthy and she will only leave again.
You have to be honest with yourself; are you capable of changing? Are you capable of listening to her? What are her needs? Are you capable of meeting them?
I think getting some counselling where you can openly be expressive and learn and know about one another in a safe and comfortable envirionment would do wonder for you both.
In the end, you have to accept her decision even if it means you don't like it.
You have trust issues; you both do. Go to some professional counsellors who can find out what the root cause of your breakdown in communication and the relationship really is so you can see if you are both willing to fix it.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, tonsta +, writes (18 July 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni forgot to add that we have still seen each other randomly through the breakup like me staying over going to the cinema but it was 2 nights ago she said about her ex yet she swears blind he is just a friend and she does not want ot loose him as this do you think she is just using me or stringing me along? what gets me is so many people say they wish they met someone that truely loves them and when they do they treat them really badly and end it lol wheres the sense in that!. Thankyou Dr Pete you are very knid with your words i am just so confused but sure i will get through it all with the help of such a nice site!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): tonsta, your ex has been quite explicit in saying she would pick him over you. What the hell are you doing worrying over her? Do you not feel utterly rejected? Feel that pain and rid her from your life!
Go and look yourself in the mirror right now and remind yourself how great you are, and how you deserve to be with someone who would choose NO ONE over you.
You're already 10 weeks in to your split, it would be foolish to prolong those nasty painful breakup feelings, cut her loose, focus on your own confidence and have hope that you will meet someone who will be as dedicated to you as you obviously were to this women.
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