A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I may be over reacting and thinking of the worst possible case but I was recently told my ex has been speaking to someone about gaining access to our son, and although he never has in the five years since I gave birth, I have also never heard any rumours of him doing so either.Basically, I was with him for about four years. It was an abusive relationship, not physically but mentally. I gave up my friends, and I hardly saw my family because he convinced me that he was the only person who cared about me. He managed that after I had a miscarriage. He told me not to tell anyone or talk about it. He said no would give a damn anyway so why bother. I believed him because I thought it was true. I have had three miscarriages in my life and to be honest I didn't feel like I had any support from anyone. And it just went from there. Everytime it happened, he would say the same thing or tell me it was my fault. So when I fell pregnant with my son, and made it passed 12 weeks, I thought he would be happy but he told me he didn't want kids, and I should have lost him like the others. He knew I was trying to get pregnant, and he had known since my first miscarriage. I managed to arrange to stay at a relative's house for a while and left him. I wanted my son so much, it gave me the strength to walk away. It wasn't just that though, he made horrible comments about my looks, or my friends, family. He used drugs, mostly weed, but sometimes harder drugs. He never helped with bills or buying shopping ect. I got myself in a ruck, and he managed to convince me it was ok and it wasn't.When I left he made no attempt to reach me, or even when our son was born. He just moved out of the flat we had and back to his mums.Fast forward five years, and now his brother in law has told me that he has spoken to someone at the local CAB about arranging a meeting with me to try gain access.I don't want him in our lives! Hid brother in law told me to warn me, his own family! That is how much his own family know he isn't good enough to be a dad.What rights do I have? We were never married, and his name isn't on the birth certificate either. I have told my son his dads name but I told him his daddy lives a long way away and he can't see him. My ex hasn't contacted me, or has anyone on his behalf. I don't want to have to contact him to tell him to get lost and remind him what he did and said, so what can I do?I'm sorry for the long question but I can't sleep with fear of him getting access to my baby.
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female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (22 May 2014):
Don't be alarmed by what I put here before reading to the end. I tend to err on the sides of Dad's who get denied the chance of knowing their kids. I see you have good reason for concern, but I can say that even if he is a rat, there is still good reason to allow him access if he proves that he deserves it.The main reason is the psychological damage that children get from not seeing their father. They believe, to the very root, that it is rejection and that they did something o deserve it. Also, there are some mums who protest that their children do not want to see their dads, when in fact it is they who have made the child feel that they can't, by subtle means.If your ex wants contact he will have to take up his responsibilities formally and this means financial contributions as well as paying for legal help. If he were to do this, I would take it as a sign that he genuinely want's to be a proper Dad. In doubt he will. I think this message was designed to frighten you.So rather than be scared be reassured. If he wants to fight for a decent relationship, it means something good. If he doesn't and just wants to scare you with empty threats he hasn't changed at all and good riddance.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 Unfortunately Deadbeat Dads are not excluded from having visiting rights to their child… Even if his own family knows he isn't good enough to be a dad. Here you now have to face the reality of your choice to get pregnant to this abusive ex-boyfriend.
Since you already have the advice to see a solicitor etc. it would be wise to think these rumors of him wanting to gain access/visits are true and proceed with preparing yourself mentally for the drama that will surely follow. I also wouldn’t say anything at this stage to your son about his Dad returning just yet; there’s no point building up his little heart of hope and dreams up too have them confused again because of Adult numbskull behaviour.
Meanwhile you don’t want to have to contact him and don’t want him in your lives… this would remind you of what he did and said… That I understand, so I too would be suspicious of him coming back to manipulate your Son (mentally) especially if he is not sober – clean from his drug lifestyle. Here you must have it stipulated with your Solicitor that he must be tested to be drug-free and supervised, given ALL HIS previous (abusive) character.
Keep in mind; for whatever reason “his family knows he isn’t good enough…” This may be a tell tale sign your Ex is still using drugs!?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (21 May 2014):
You are going to have a battle on your hands. Under UK law, even if you're not married, he STILL has rights over his child. Not the same as a married parent but 'some' rights. Even if you did not put his name on the birth certificate, he can demand DNA tests. He was cruel to you during your relationship but you'll have to prove to the courts he might be the same with your son. It'll be up to the courts to determine this. Speak to a family lawyer. CAB have numbers they can give you to phone one. For now, try not to panic. Easier said than done but your son needs you cool, calm and collected as this is going to be a weird time for him. His dad wanting to be a part of his life etc Let your family and friends know what's going on and how you're feeling. They'll be able to offer advice, support and safety. If it makes you feel better, some women have been through worse and these types of problems are common. It's important you find legal help asap and like i say, CAB will be able to help. Good luck
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (21 May 2014):
 Maybe in the last 5 years he has grown up, is ready to build a relationship with his son.
See a solicitor or get advice from CAB, if he is the father he will have to contribute financially as well as be a parent so you can sort that out too.
Its your sons other parent and he has rights too, you both created him. I don't know why you didn't put him on the birth certificate, your son should have it on there.
Do any of his family have contact with your son, have they encouraged him to seek access ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): "What rights do I have?"The same parental rights as he has. Barring substance abuse, criminal behavior or mental impairment you don't have the right to block a father's access to his child or a child's access to his father.Your son didn't pick his father, YOU did and you have no right to visit your grievances against him as a scumbag boyfriend if he wants a relationship with his son, however belated.You need to consult an attorney for the purposes of obtaining court orders for visitation and child support for your protection and your son's. You do not want baby daddy popping back into your life next week or next month or next year or ten years from now and telling his son that his mother wouldn't let him see him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 What you do is contact an attorney and find out how it works in your state.
As the father he has rights even if he's not on the birth certificate, even if you are not married and EVEN IF HE IS NOT PAYING child support.
I would do a few things.
get an attorney
get a paternity test
get court ordered and garnished child support
set up court supervised visitation that the dad has to pay the fees for and let him see the child if he wants that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): My age is wrong on this, I'm 28?!
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