A
female
age
30-35,
*auranora
writes:Having just turned 21, I'm still having trouble with my mom. We can never have a mother daughter conversation Whenever she calls me she says I'm a big burden in her life and when she doesn't want me, I'm a waste of money and time. I'm currently living in a different city because I study and she hardly pays my rent and food the money she sends me are very little compared to my needs, Clothes and money for going out are completely out of the question I so envy my friends' parents They treat me better than my own mother every time I visit them on vaccation The last 9 months I'm suffering with acne and she blames me for that she always says she will not pay for my treatment and doctor and whenever she sees me says how bad I look! The worst part is that my self esteem has hit rock bottom Even I can't stand my self and when I go outside with friends I feel so horrible just being around people I want to stay inside all day long and cry whenever we talk on the phone. In the past she has said, and I will never forget that, I was only a f*** from my dad and that they never wanted me (they're divorced by the way, since I was 2, my dad was away and I only saw him four times in the mean time,now he lives with my mom for bout a year because he says he's got some illness but I think he just had nowhere to go). My boyfriend of 2 years is the only thing that cheers me up although he doesn't know about my relationship with my parents, I'm too ashamed to tell. My mom doesn't aprove him because he spends so much time with me and helps financially, because she doesn't. I just don't know why she's treating me this way and I feel so sorry that I hardly have any nice moments with my mother to remember, only stressful ones that always ended with me crying. Is there an explanation on her behavior ?
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female
reader, sugarplum786 +, writes (22 May 2014):
 Hi, you mum is taking out her pain , disappointments and failure in life on you. She loves you and does not know any better how to express, she would not help you are all if she really disliked you. She is assisting obviously to ensure you do better in life than she did by getting an education. Just maybe money does not come easy to her and she does feel that although she wants a better life for you, it puts a lot of strain on her cash. Remember the money she gives however little, she may never get a return, where as she could be saving for old age. If you really want to try and understand her, invite her to coffee and tell her that you will picking up the bill.
Also tell her you appreciate the assistance as she probably never got the support from parents. I would also comfort her by saying that when you are qualified and employed, you will try and pay her back as you know its a sacrifice she is making. Sometimes people that behave like your mum just needs love and affection and to be appreciated. I know you are young and its hard, but feeling negative and dwelling in self pity will just destroy. YOu decide you want to make it in life and start being positive or wallow away and end up bitter like your mum. Regarding your face, I read somewhere that a person went on a fruit diet and it cleared their face, so no need to start expensive treatments looks for home remedies and take a look at your diet. You have your life ahead of you, start fighting to survive and build courage and determination that you will make it in life.
A
female
reader, lauranora +, writes (22 May 2014):
lauranora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I didn't mention that before but I have been working since I was 15 years of age And she thought this was wrong! Because everyone would think she is not financially capable to take care of me And now that I'm away I had few job offers the best working as a bartender and I turned them down because my mom said, firstly that it is a shame for a girl to work at night and as a bartender and second I should not be working while I study and I must graduate on time (which is 4 years minimum). To be honest it's hard to have a job and study at the same time and graduate on time but I am okay with it as long as I pay for my own expenses. She just does not see it this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): This is more than your mother being nasty. This is a case of a mother emotionally and psychologically abusing her daughter. Please, please, please go and see a counsellor as soon as possible - make sure it is someone recommended by your doctor who is well qualified to help you. She is crippling you emotionally and this is making it harder for you to feel independent and to stand on your own two feet. Please get help, I know how much this hurts and I know how much of a "freak" you can feel because it seems like everyone else has a loving mother. If it helps you at all, I've been through it and come out the other side - it is possible, but you need help.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (21 May 2014):
Yea there's an explanation; your mom is a mean person. It had nothing to do with you.
However, it seems like you need a wake up call too. Your mom is paying for you to go to school and you're complaining that she's not paying for enough? Many other people don't have any help whatsoever when they're going to school, so I don't feel too sorry for you. I had to work and go to school at the same time because my parents didn't pay for my living expenses. Maybe you should get a part time job?
Back to the mean things your mom says. Don't let them hurt you. If she has her way you'll end up being just as mean as she is, don't let her do that to you. Limit your contact with your mom and when you're done with school live on your own. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean you need her in your life.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (21 May 2014):
However she is being it does not reflect on you, it is because she is frustrated and disappointed with her own life. I think all of the things she says, she really feels about herself.
I think you could say, "Mum, your words hurt me and I don't understand why you need to. If you want things to be better please let me know".
Then wait. When you have a chance just tell her how you feel and try to find out what happened in her life to make her take it out on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): "Clothes and money for going out are completely out of the question" - at 21, that's YOUR responsibility.
You need to get a job or at least get counselling. You can't keep expecting other people to pay your way.
That said, I don't agree with your mother being horrible and rude. She doesn't need to pay your rent and food, though, so don't take it for granted.
Get a job, even part time, and start saving up so you never have to go back to living with your mum.
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