A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a relationship with a man I've been with for about a year and a half. We are happy and very much in love. However, there is a catch. He has a young daughter. He and I have talked and I have met her a couple times with other friends of his. He's made it clear he wants me to be a part of his life, and wants me to meet her, and start integrating me slowly into her life. Right now, because of the way things are with his ex, and his view on marriage, he doesn't want anything more than a committed relationship, without a paper being signed. I think that that is alright, but he has no idea where he and I are going and I don't want to start the process of being in his daughter's life if this relationship isn't going to last long, for fear of hurting her. I think it's important to talk to him to see where our relationship is headed (committed, married, just for fun, or otherwise) before I start becoming a part of this girl's life, but he doesn't see my point. Unless this is going to last long term, (and being the child of divorced and remarried parents) I refuse to walk into this child's life if there's a big chance that he and I won't work, and I might hurt her. How do you discuss a problem like this? And what is a good way to talk about a relationship and the future without freaking him out? I want to have a discussion so I know where he stands and make sure he knows what a big step this is in a relationship. Thanks for your feedback.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2014):
 So basically, you don't SEE yourself long term with him? And thus do NOT want to get attached to the daughter. (nothing wrong in that). And secondly, HE is still married. Which again, I think is a GOOD enough reason to NOT want to be part of the child's life. Yet. (if at all)
Honestly, (and I have NOTHING against a bit of age difference) I think he may not be IT for you. He has been through and experienced SO much of "grown up life" marriage, kid, separation and you have barely had any. He could BE your Dad. THAT is how big the gap is at your age.
My biggest thing is the NOT being divorced. I know I know people claim when they are separated they are DONE with their marriage... I think it's 75% correct and 25% bullshit. The SEPARATION period is there to WORK out IF you want to proceed (divorce) or make the marriage work, BUT it's also a stage (grief, basically) where you sever the LEGAL ties to your spouse. The time where you "get over" the spouse and the fact that the marriage didn't work out.
THIS is why I ALWAYS say, DO NOT date someone who is separated, because they AREN'T 100% DONE with the process.
So while I thought (in my first answer) that you were SOLELY thinking of the daughter, I get it now. You don't WANT to bond with her, because you KNOW it's NOT going to work out long term with this man. AND I think that is a good enough reason. But it's going to be a hard one to explain to him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
With a man who won't commit who is 10 years older than he is now (and a 15 year old step-daughter)
Or
With a good career and married to a man who is on the same page as you in life?
The odds are in his favour just now, not yours.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 You have been seeing him for 18 months and he is still married, he also has a daughter.
Your in school and 17 years younger - question is...do 'you' want to marry or live with him, do 'you' see a future together ?
Relationships come with no guarantees as you know. I am pretty sure he knows what he is doing re his daughter too, if he didn't care he would have been introducing you into her life after a couple of weeks/months.
He loves you both.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 May 2014):
 NO divorce?!? I was more right than I thought.
You're totally and completely being yanked around, and given that you're in school and he's in no place to even discuss your future much less has the desire for a timeline, you are definitely wasting your time with this guy. Your instincts are correct that you shouldn't meet this girl.
He is a MARRIED MAN. He cannot talk about the future with you because he is not free and is making no plans to become free outside of the lip service required to keep you in his bed and giving him domesticity and care. He's getting the goodies from you without having anything for you in return.
WAY too much baggage. You're in your early 20's, and he's in his 40's, so you two aren't even in the same place in life.
You're getting used here. Leaving his wife and having a younger woman salve his ego is great for him, but you're getting the short end of the stick. Get out while you can, because you're in no place, going to school, to even talk about this with him. He is a distraction that could derail your entire life and leave you bitter and angry at being used like this.
Run away fast. He is a married man. He's pulling the wool over your eyes with the whole "piece of paper" crap. He hasn't committed, he can't commit, and he won't commit because he is way too committed to his ex who is running his life still.
You are the third wheel, even when he is separated. Give him NOTHING, or you will be left out to dry. You deserve better than a married man who only has lip service to offer and nothing else. The odds are all in his favor. You'll salve him, and now he's getting you to be caretaker of his daughter while giving you no security. A very smooth talking leech.
RUN. Cut your losses and get your head back to where it should be...yourself. This guy is very bad news unless he has already filed for divorce AND it's been finalized. I've seen women post on here after 10, 15, 20 years who have been given the song and dance by other married/separated guys, and they were hung out to dry without so much as the means to be cared for if their partner dies.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2014):
 NO one ever knows if a relationship is going to last...
we go into them thinking and hoping forever...
NO one plans for a divorce or a break up...
there are no guarantees in life....
yes it's nice that YOU are concerned about this child but every child reacts differently to things. In addition, he knows his child better than you do and it's really HIS job to take care of her and worry about her and protect her. Are you saying he's a bad parent and making bad choices here? If so why stay with him if you don't trust his parenting skills?
My kids were 3 and 5 when their dad and I split up and they coped beautifully with friends and family coming and going in their lives.... no problems....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): This is the crux of your question; 'I don't want to know whether he plans to marry me as much as, if this relationship is going to last.'And then you nail the answer on the head a few lines later when you say;'I don't want to know whether he plans to marry me as much as, if this relationship is going to last.'You also add contingencies that will affect the tragectory of this relationship when you say;'I am in school right now and not in a stable place. I might add we have a 17 year age difference.'So you want to him to tell you that you'll be together forever despite these two big issues you've raised.Well he could tell you what you want to hear but that is lip service.The answer as cheesy as this sounds is in his actions and in your heart. You've been with him long enough to know his values and aims in life, long enough to evaluate your longterm compatibility. There is nothing he can SAY to assuage your questions. With all the promises in the world, he could just turn around and break them. Trust your instinct. If it says you two will be ok, then act accordingly. Ultimately, you can on the information that you have right now and hope that no one gets hurt.Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 May 2014):
Like WiseOwle, I too sense a veiled ultimatum, though it has to be the most cleverly and intelligently veiled ultimatum I have ever read on DearCupid.
I think you already know where this is headed, and I think you already know the answer to this train of thought, and I think you ultimately already know your future in terms of this relationship.
Your plans and goals are not this guy's plans and goals, and no amount of talking or discussions about meeting his daughter will change that. You sense that he's trying to get the domesticity without getting the commitment, and you are reacting by forcing his hand in terms of his commitment.
I don't think that's the right play because I don't think he will bite. In my opinion, you should cut your losses with this guy because he will string you until you wonder where your 20s went to, and you'll be resentful that he stole your opportunity for a proper relationship trajectory that culminates in the mutual building of a marriage and family without any baggage from past exes.
You say "I think that's alright" in his declaration of not wanting a piece of paper, but it is NOT alright. He is not over his ex if she can reach her tentacles into his current relationship and stunt its growth. He is influenced by her and you have to pay the price. He is not over her (being over her has nothing to do with love...you can hate someone and not be over them) His reticence has to do with how SHE treated him, and it is not right to make a future mate pay the price for the mistreatment of an ex.
This guy will string you along, getting all of the benefits of a married life without paying the price. You have already made concessions knowing you don't want to, and now you've drawn the line in the sand regarding being in his daughter's life. You need to take it a step further and allow that reasoning to get you out of this relationship and leave you open for a guy who does not have this baggage.
Let me put it to you more plainly:
You have no future with this guy as long as the ex still influences his decisions, and there is no chance he will change that as long as you enable him to not have to.
But you give up all you hope and dream of in your lifelong choice as mates. Don't be with this guy. Even this line in the sand will not change things with him. His ex influences him more than you do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe's 5. I'm his first relationship after his separation and impending divorce. I get that she comes first. I went through this process with my parents and I've seen the wrong way to do this.
I don't want to know whether he plans to marry me as much as, if this relationship is going to last. I know I can't KNOW that. I am in school right now and not in a stable place. I might add we have a 17 year age difference.
Having had a parent who remarried, I am very sensitive because I have been that child and because it wasn't easy for me, I want to do the best and make the best decision I am able to make.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): I think the way you explained it in your post is how you should present it to your boyfriend. You've been in a relationship for a year. No one even knows how long a marriage is going to last. Anything could come along and interrupt. or end one. That's life.
It is quite true that children can become attached. However; you may not be the first woman your boyfriend has dated since separating from her mother. So she may have adapted to other women in (and out of) her father's life.
You have not mentioned her age, which does factor-in on how well a child adapts to parents dating, who don't live with them. Children get used to it. You can't presume anything about their feelings. Just be kind to them. Period.
It's nice for you to be so concerned; but I sense you just want to know whether he plans to ever marry you. I think it is best you let the parents be concerned about how the child handles your presence, or exit, from her father's life.
All children don't react the same way, although it may have been hard on you.
If you want to know the nature of your relationship and where it is going; don't use the child as an excuse. You have no right to exclude her anyway. No matter how casual or committed the relationship is.
She is innocent and has nothing to do with the nature or progression of your relationship to her father. If he wants you to meet her, it means you're no secret. If you're a part of his life; you are thereby a part of her's too.
There will be times he wishes to share time with both of you. Try to be positive and supportive of it. He should not neglect time spent with his child; because he has a girlfriend.
She comes first.
She also has to learn and understand that her parents may have other people in their lives. Her mother will date other men. She'll get used to that too.
I sense a veiled ultimatum beneath your post.
As delicately and articulately as you've tried to put it. It still comes down to whether you should accept the child in your life; if you're not going to be around permanently.
It has only been a year, and a lot could change in the dynamics of your relationship over time. You live life a day at a time. You can only live in the present. Time decides how relations develop, and how they end. Meeting the child, is irrelevant to your commitment.
Is he supposed to keep the two of you separated; if he's not planning on marrying you someday? How is that feasible or logical?
Your underlying question is, are you wasting your time being with him; if he never plans to marry you? If he isn't, why bother meeting the child? Don't beat around the bush. Come out with it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 May 2014):
I think you have a LOT of common sense (which I might add seems really rare these days!)
How do you discuss it? Well, I would bring up that you have thought about his daughter and the parallels to your own childhood as a child of divorce and HOW important it IS to you to NOT be part of his daughters life UNLESS the plan is for you two to be a long term couple. EXPLAIN what YOU consider long term.
You say he doesn't "see" your point, then you have to explain it to him. My guess is he CAN understand your point but either he isn't sure or he feels like you two ARE committed as you have been together for 18 months.
Honestly, he should be ELATED that you take being part of his daughters life THIS serious.
So many people introduce their partners to their children WAY to early and the poor kids end up with this endless stream of adults that they get attached to and then the adults leave. And I can't even IMAGINE how hurtful that must be to a child.
You have my respect for being this thoughtful and smart.
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