A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Since I found out my ex has met somebody new, I just can't get her out of my head... AGAIN!!We hadn't spoken for a long time, but about a week ago, we got back into the habit of talking to eachother again. We had done this before, but last time I found out she had been dating somebody from her college, and that wouldn't leave my head for a long time. In fact I worried myself sick for no reason at all, because it was only after I spoke to her in these recent weeks that I found out that their relationship didn't last very long, and he didn't make a very good boyfriend, which made me very happy. But then, she has managed to make me want to run away soon after I was starting to feel better.She felt the need to tell me that she had met a guy a few nights ago. She had tried to make a "competition" with me, where in, whoever meets somebody and they date them/have sex with them, then they win. It sounded like a terrible idea, so I told her I didn't want to compete, since I have a disadvantage, being; I still live with my parents, and on the day she suggested it, I knew I wouldn't be able to go out on the town until almost a week later, so she'd get a head start.Getting back on track:She told me that she and this new guy spoke for hours, which leads me to believe they were going to see eachother again. The next day she told me when I asked about her day that she had gone to the cinema, but she didn't say who with, leaving me to assume the guy from the night before.So, Valentines day is over now, and for the whole of yesterday, all I could think about is whether she saw that guy... AND slept with him. I just can't get it out of my head. I don't even really know if she has seen him since then, but I think it's always going to be on my mind until I find out what's happening!What should I do? I want to just forget her, but now that she may have a new guy, I'm not sure I'll be satisfied until I find out that she hasn't slept with him yet. Has anyone else felt this way?; Where you know should should stay away from something but desperately want to find out whether what you worry about is true?Please give any advice you can. How can I stop torturing myself??p.s.I know I should cut contact with her, but if anybody has any other suggestions, please fill me in.
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live with my parents, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): sorry bro but im in a similar situation where i just broke up with my ex and she slept within less then a week. we had been dating since we were 18 and have been togeather for 5 years. i have felt the same way in that i cant get her out of my head. girls are great and they also hurt us so much. i know guys hurt girls also but i think they hurt us more. ladys never do that to your ex give it time befor you sleep with someone else because you make your ex feel like shit and you make your self look easy. and if you have any self respect you wont give it up unless you love someone. This is comming from dude by the way ......
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (18 February 2008):
 Everyone on here is trying to help you in thier own way. Dr V though!! thank god your not a real doctor.
You really need to listen to them and not see this girl. She may well have the best intentions, and want to stay friends with you. But unfortunatly you are not in the right place just to be mates with her. You might well be in a few months, but for now if you want to save yourself any more pain, you need to cut loose. How you feel now will not be the same in the future. Just remember that, and each day focus on your future and finding the right person for you. It might seem a small world out there, but there are a hell of a lot of girls in it, darling.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (18 February 2008):
Is this Andy the musician we once gave advise to some time back? Dude no chik will tell you that i'm officially causing you pain.Infact in most cases they never know it's causing you pain.You are the one feeling it.However,i suspect they have an idea.She knows why you are calling and being trying to be nice so as to help you heal you are actyally hurting more.I must confess i do co my ex but then realise i'm only hurting myself in the end coz she'll never see me more than just an EX! The only way you'll heal from this hurt is to occupy your mind with someone else and mantain a good distance between you two.
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A
female
reader, carebear +, writes (17 February 2008):
 Hi AndyYes this gal is causing you apin big time. Ariel has been very gentle with you wereas Dr has been very forceful and both are giving you good advice take it everyone is telling you the same thing cut her out your life she makes you jelous angry feel bad about yourself do i need to go on.Her saying about the competition !! speaks for itself its like I so am over you deal with it and your not dealing or over her so its time son cut her lose don't talk to her try not to think of her when you do think of her think all the torture you went through and vow never to go back ther your a sensitive guy the right girl is out there for you go find her and have fun in the processTake care
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (17 February 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question The way you offer advice "Dr" is just appalling. There are plenty of ways for you to make your point, but you choose the one that makes you sound the most like... See? I could have said ANYTHING under the sun just then, but I'm not gonna because I'd feel like I'd be lowering myself to your level of immaturity. You're disregarding all feelings without really knowing who you're talking to, so an agony uncle you are not. It's fine if you want to make your point, but to say stuff like "Grow some balls" and such makes me just want to beat the shit out of you. End of. You're a vile individual, and I suggest you never try to advise me again.
I would like to thank everybody else for their advice so far, and would like them to know that I will try to take all you have said on board. Thank you.
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (17 February 2008):
 "I want the truth."to coin a phrase..You can't handle the truth. in fact you won't even consider the truth because you're too blinded by you jealousy.face it you're a masochist. you enjoy being hurt by her.Now go grow a set of balls. stop whining. stop asking why you arm is bleeding and as a previous poster said stop flogging a dead horse.In this case Long periods of Distance will do the relationship the world of good.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (17 February 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDoes everybody think that she is just trying to mess with me? She seems genuine to me, and I wouldn't think that she would try and cause me any pain. I believe her intentions are good, but doesn't realize that she is causing me pain. Please tell me I'm right! I'd go so far as to say that finding out that she knows that she is causing me pain and is getting some sort of sick pleasure out of it would destroy me.
I want the truth. Is that what people really think?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 Do you really enjoy being tortured by her? I'm sorry to ask this question, but it sounds like you like making yourself crazy.
You're going to have to put some distance and time between you and this girl....
"I know I should cut contact with her."
There, you've got it. You put it in a nutshell for yourself; good advice to heed if only you'll do it.
Life is way too short for this kind of masochism. I'm finding it difficult to type because I keep waving my arms around and mentally shouting at you.
What do you get out of this 'relationship' besides a bad case of low self esteem. And what on earth do you think she's getting out of it? "Oh, look at me, I'm so fantastic that I've got a perfectly nice man falling apart because I keep pushing his 'collapse' buttons," she coos. Lose the wench!
Sorry, I'm probably being overly dramatic because I witnessed my brother get manipulated in a similar way, and I couldn't help at all.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (16 February 2008):
 Quit Beating a dead horse. This girl is contacting you and is playing games to mess with you. And you are playing right into it. Do not speak to her again.
BTW Trust what Dr V is telling you. Many people dont want to hear the truth. He gave me my first dose of Reality on this site and he will tell you himself I GOT OFF VERY LIGHTLY BY HIS STANDARDS!
He may be blunt but he knows what he is talking about!
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (16 February 2008):
Everyone here knows little about your situation, yet you come here asking for help and advice from people you don't know and from people who don't know your situation.My problem is that people who cut open a wound and cry about it and then wonder why their arm is bleeding.Then they continue to re-cut this wound making it deeper and still why can't understand Why it bleeds and doesn't heal.She is your EX.she is called your EX for a reason.stop being jealous and distance yourself from her.Welcome to the internet. Long live freedom of speech.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (16 February 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat is your problem Dr Vendetta?? You know little about this situation and offer me no advice at all! You just tell me stuff that I don't want to hear regardless of whether it's true or not. How could you do that?? :(
Thank you to those who have tried to help me. My ex contacted me tonight, asking whether I was out or not. It's not her business, so I dunno why she would ask. Does anybody know what she could be thinking? She seems adamant on being my friend, but I'm not sure I can do it. I'm starting to think: If she doesn't want to be with me, she can't be my friend, but this seems so unfair to her. I know she broke my heart in the first place, but she seems pretty genuine so it would be a shame to end our friendship because of it.
Please, what should I do?
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (15 February 2008):
Guess what.They're bumping uglies everynight!!Get used to it. your parents had sex. Dirty dirty old people sex and look what happend. you popped out.Every girl you meet at some point or another would have had that space preoccupied before you and very well after you as well.Get used to it.Stop whining and stop calling her. How can a would heal if you keep jabbing a knife and rubbing lemon juice into it?
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (15 February 2008):
chlez has given you really good advice honey. As did Annalisa. You need to let go and move on, otherwise like you say you are torturing yourself with all the heart ache. You are not together for a reason, that reason is that it didnt work. And I really think that her telling you to have a competition as to who gets a shag first, is quite clearly saying that she doesn't care for you in that way anymore.
I know its really hard, but it will get better.
XX
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A
male
reader, chlez83 +, writes (15 February 2008):
Dude why do you even think about someone in between her legs.Look,no matter how much she likes you,she doesn't love you and very few women will inform you that someone has been shaggin her,especially that you are her.That game thing is a way of assisting you to move on so that you meet someone to help you forget and i also suggest you hook up with somenone else.Which shouldn't be serious.If she doesn't inform you,you'll never know coz it's never written on a woman's forehead.Focus your thoughts and energies on another girl then the pain will be less.
Take care
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): stop this torture now... its non-sense... why bother caring about that when the two of you are no longer together... i went through the same thing but stopped in my tracks and thought why bother if she wont be mine again... go have fun :)
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