A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 and a half years about a month ago. I just didn't feel like I was in love anymore and I want to feel this way and be happy/not miserable for the rest of my life. We had two dogs and lived together in a fairly quiet area. I would say about a year ago, we started to argue a little about marriage. I wanted it, he said he wasnt ready (at 31 years old and a seven yr relationship!) we argued a little about this every other week then he said he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to marry me. He ssid he wanted a house together in the future and babies, but refused to sit down and talk about these things seriouslly. This upset me quite a lot but by the start of June this year, I realised that we had stopped arguing. I didn't really care anymore. I also realised that my boyfriend was a little controlling, we barely spoke or had sex anymore. Not in a cold way, I just wasn't feeling it. We went on holidays at the start of September. It was a lovely trip but again no sex and little conversation! I felt like I was away with a friend. This spelled the end for me.when we got back, I asked him to go on a break, told him I was confused etc... We stayed in touch and got back together within a week. He made no effort to change his grumpy ways and by the end of that week I had decided it was really over that I couldn't be happy forever with him. So I broke up and I told him my love had Changed and he was more like a friend and spoke a little of how his controlling ways had effected my self esteem etc. that was awful, I moved out and I have been living with my dad for a month now.he did not take it well .. During all this I started working out in the gym last April and over the time I have become friends with one of the instructors. He is a genuinely nice guy. He is like the male version of me. I was instantly attracted but unsure of why as he isn't usually the type of man I would have gone for. I have never cheated on my boyfriend by the way or been attracted to someone else before. Anyway, we became a little closer as I see him nearly every day and we also do the same yoga classes together. When I broke up with my ex, I decided to go on a date with him, I know it was soon but I find myself drawn to him. I have been seeing him for two weeks now, and it's getting better and better. We have intense physical chemistry and can laugh and talk about anything. He wants to take it slowly as we are both aware of rebound relationship but I feel it's too good to waste on that as does he. I feel awful for saying this, but I don't really think of my ex all that much now. I have actually been more happy and comfortable in myself in the last two weeks then I have in a long time. I havent yet told my friends i am seeing him, I think it's insensitive and disrespectful to my ex.. So (eventually!) my question is based on this... I have gotten a couple of mails off my ex saying that he has changed, he would marry me and have babies tomorrow if he could. That he realises how bad he treated me and he wants to try again. The second mail said that he had to trust their was nobody else, that I've abandoned him with the dogs and he wants to know how I went from babies and marriage to a break up and now I won't give him a chance to prove that he's changed... I don't think u can change that much in a month. Basically he's all about why I won't give him a second chance. I don't want to hurt him by telling him I'm seeing someone so soon... But I'm really liking where it's going with the new guy. So what should I do? How do you explain that the love isn't there like it used to be? Why shouldn't I give him another chance? I don't really feel like I want to at all. But I can't say that... Too blunt and mean? He has to look after our two dogs now, and work full time but I wouldn't take them away from him and I don't want to keep in touch all the time initially, he needs time to heal. I truly think /hope he will meets someone who he will know that he wants to marry as soon as he meets her! I just don't know how to deal with him as he says I have abandoned the relationship without looking back... He's kind of right about that...So what should I do? How do I explain why love changed? Does love usually stop like that anyway? Am i in some kind of detachment phase where I've latched on to someone else to help buffer the pain? I hope not as I we are very attracted to one another and so compatible.Sorry for the reallllllyyy long question. I just think it important to know all the facts! Thanks so much... :-) I really appreciate any help!
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a break, broke up, cheated on my boyfriend, got back together, moved out, my ex, on holiday, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (27 October 2012):
The truth is, the romantic relationship between you and your ex boyfriend ended long before you officially broke thing off with him. Perhaps you could try explaining to him that when it became clear that he was not interested in the same goals you were (marriage) after 7 years together, you felt it was the beginning of the end of your relationship. Tell him that you waited around for months hoping things would change for the better, but even after many discussions they never did and you felt you had grown apart.
Finally, explain to him that he knew where you stood on your life goals months ago, and he didn't seem to care about you enough to marry you then and that didn't change in the months that followed. As every day passed between then and now you felt you grew more and more apart until you were just two close friends instead of lovers with a close bond.
Then, tell him you need time to think and that it would be best if both of you dated other people.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 October 2012):
 Look at this paragraph:
"So what should I do? How do I explain why love changed? Does love usually stop like that anyway? Am i in some kind of detachment phase where I've latched on to someone else to help buffer the pain? "
At this point, you really don't "owe" him any (more) explanation. You and he have parted ways. It makes no difference which of you instituted that split. It happened. The relationship is over. Don't fret about it.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (26 October 2012):
 Hi
You dont have to go back, it wasn't working for you anymore so you left.He has to come to terms with that on his own.In the long run thats fairer for both of you,no contact.
As for moving on, it was fast so definately take things slowly,your ex doesn't need to be told just yet but will no doubt find out if your local or you have mutual friends.Also the new relationship may not last, you haven't been single for years so could be its just lust or rebound, it cant be love after 2 weeks
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2012):
 Why shouldn't you give him a second chance ?.. uh, because you don't want to ?... I think this is an excellent reason, for anything that's not mandatory by law ( i.e., does not apply to paying taxes or driving within the speed limit :).
You don't have to feel guilty for having left the relationship without even a look back. In fact, this is ideally the best method and the one less likely to bring in his wake complications, back-and-forths, resentments etc. One sharp, neat, surgical cut.
You don't have to tell him anything about the new guy, but not so much for not hurting your ex's feeling, as because the new boy is not really the reason of your change of heart, he is just the catalyst. You had already emotionally and sexually checked out, the new guy is what brings to the forefront your renewed availability to engage your heart and senses. This not to say that it can't work with the new guy, - just that, even if it should not work with him, anyway you have already moved on and away from your previous r/ship.
Love is not a duty and not an obligation, it's very sad for BOTH that you and your ex are not on the same wavelength anymore, but it happens and there's no shame on either side in aknowledging that.
I don't even think that you should get wrapped up in long convoluted explanations about the how why and when you stopped being in love with him, often it's not a matter of " faults " or of any specific episode, you just realize , in time, that you are not as compatible as you had thought. And no explanation about why you don't love him anymore will eventually satisfy a person that WANTS you to still love him. If I were you, I 'd just use the " broken record " technique ", I 'd just say that I'm sorry, but my feelings are changed, - I am sorry but I can't see a common future anumore, I am sorry but I don't think tryng again is a good idea, repeat ad libitum, kind but VERY firm and short, and if he is not the manic stalker type, he should pretty soon get your drift.
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