A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiNeed some advice I found out (because i was being nosey and looking where I shouldn't have been) that my ex the father of my child is gay. He has been seeing someone for 2 yrs and I didn't know!Our child spends time with them both and constantly talks about the guy and I just thought they were friends.My questions are.....has he always been gay (although I no the answer is yes!) but should I tell him I know. He has been really depressed lately and I've asked him why but he has said nothing is wrong, now I know its because they broke up! Should I tell him I know and be the support for him (I'm guessing his family don’t know) or should not say a word....don’t know what to do cause I love him and don’t like seeing him being hurt.......
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male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (14 March 2009):
It is possible that he hasn't told you because he is worried you'd react badly. If that is the case it could be a load off his mind to find out that you know and you have no problem with it. Just make sure you make it very clear that you're fine with it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): i dont know, my guess is he has always been this way,but as long as he was not exposing your kid to anything in that lifestyle, and hes still in the closet, and you were snooping when you found this out, it might be a good idea to keep this quiet but in the back of your mind, because he might be ashamed or pissed at you for looking where you had no right being. if hes not ready to come out of the closet, it might not be a bad idea to leave him there till hes ready to come out
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks KC 100! That helps I think I will tell him I know. I do love him I have known him for over 10 years and I thought we were close. I dont however wanna sleep with him I just want to make sure he is ok...does that make sense?Thanks for your response!
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (13 March 2009):
 Yes, he has always been gay. It's not uncommon for some gay men to carry on a heterosexual lifestyle in the interest of not stirring things up with their families, peers, culture, etc.
Whether he is gay or straight, you two are raising a child, and that requires teamwork. You have every right to know who he is dating. It's the same as when a dad brings home his new GF to meet his kids. The mother has a right to know who her kids are meeting.
Come out to him that you know what is going on. If he is still in the closet about this, then he needs a lot of support and love from a good friend. Be that friend for him. Right now I'm guessing you're the only family he has when it comes to this.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 March 2009):
 Well in answer to your questions, then yes he probably always has been gay but if he is the father of your child then it seems he has only accepted it recently or admitted to himself that he is gay. Or maybe at the time he was with you he was confused (as in bi-sexual) and still liked both men and women (maybe this is still the case).
He probably should have told you already especially seen as your son has been spending time around his now ex-boyfriend. I imagine he would want to know if you are introducing new men to his son hence he should give you the same courtesy.
I do think you should tell him, now that you have found out you can be there to support him especially if not many other people know. if he asks how you found out, just say your son has been talking about this other guy (his ex) a lot and you just figured it out.
But what worries me is that you say you love him - do you love him like you did when you were together? Or is it more of a love that you will always have because he is the father of your child? I hope it is the latter as holding onto any romantic feelings towards him is unhealthy, you need to accept it is over and move on from him. it is ok to be there for him as a friend but anything more will just end up hurting you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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