A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just found out my Ex who is 31 is dating a man 21 years old. We have 2 children that were intruduced to him weeks after we separated. He stays a night over there and I am sure he watches them when she needs free time. I do have concerns since he is a young adult with no parenting skills being around my children. I know my 8 year old does not like him and wish he was not around all the time while my 5 year old thinks he is a great guy. My EX does not know if he has any criminal records, nor did she care what type of person he was when she introduced him to our children directly after we separated. I have majority of the custody arrangement with our children from a temporary custody hearing because she admitted being verbally and physically abusive towards me in front of the children among other facts. I had to seek court order because in the past, my children were used as pawns for her game which really hurt me in many ways.I think it is kind of obvious from my writing I still have feeling for my EX, but my main concern are my children. Since my daughter has expressed concerns of how she does not like this guy over there all the time, I Believe she is unhappy when she goes to her mother's house. My son talks about him all the time to me and tells me how he likes spending time with him, but never about spending time with his mom. I don't drill information about this guy to my children because I know it is wrong, and to be honest, I don't want to hear about him because I still have some feelings for my EX. Anyway, share your thoughts and be honest.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (9 August 2008):
 Yes i know what you mean. Luckily the young guy i dated only got loud when he had been drinking and that would be when my kids were with their dad and not present, MAJORITY OF THE TIME. Even thats not good, and looking back i wish i had been more choosy about a guy, i think it isn't fair on the kids. Like i say, you are really going to just have to keep a close eye. It sounds worrying. It really is hard to tell how anyone can be in a row though. I spent just over a yr with a guy that rarely raised his voice, yet after he had been under a lot of pressure over financial matters, he ended up grabbing me by the scruff of the neck in front of my 13 yr old son. That was an incident noone would of seen coming, he was always such a placid person.
There is no manual on bringing up kids, we are learning as we go along. All you can do mate is do your best. And they will know that anyway.
C xxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother thing I am concerned with is how they will argue because of the exposure my children might have. She has a tendency of being violent and verbally abusive in front of the them and if this guys maturity level is not like an adult, I am scared that my children will be exposed to more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): Only time would prove whether he's a good or bad guy. Unfortunately this is one of situations where one has no much choices or options to go for. On a side note, if you had the chance to tell her how you find it hard she's with another man, and that she is not someone who just passed by your life but was a special person with a special connection between you both, this won't be harmful for anyone. Good luck. (Rare Bird).
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (8 August 2008):
I would be concerned too. In fact i will go as far as to say i was in your exes shoes back 4 yrs ago. Not the violence though i hasten to add. But i met a guy 10 yrs younger than me, he was 22. My kids dad is actually 10 yrs older than me and looking back i bet he was worried sick. BUT he knows i will do my best to put the kids first and trusts my judgement, he got on ok with the young guy. It didn't turn out bad, but it lasted 2 yrs and the guy didn't have any experience with kids either. If you knew your ex was a good judge of character and always put her children first in life, i expect it wold be easier wouldn't it. I still wouldn't grill the kids, but subtly make sure they are happy. Because you definately cant go in all guns blazing. Its unlikely to last, not only because of the age gap, but the other reasons you have mentioned. And you might have to ride this one out, as long as you keep in close contact with your kids and make sure nothing is going on you need to worry about. The arguments infront of them that are likely to happen by the sounds of it, would be the thing that would concern me.
I hope you get some peace of mind soon.
C xxxxx
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