A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We were together 4.5 years, he loved me so much and even wanted to marry me. I broke up with him at uni due to lies on his part and the fact we were always arguing. He always said he couldn't live without me, would never let me go, etc. But he didn't fight for me because he said he couldn't live with how much he'd hurt me and I deserved better. He began drinking during the day, hardly eating and only text me when I text him. He kept saying he doesn't know what he wants anymore. I was really upset, I thought he loved me much more than that. After a couple of weeks I went to see him and we both cried, slept together, he took me to lunch and was acting like we were together again. But he still kept saying "I don't know what I want" when I asked why he doesn't want me back. I went back to uni and I did my best to keep contact with him. A few days after my day with him he confessed he had met a girl who kissed him. He said he had no feelings for her but she was "nice to him". When I came back from uni I saw him in town with a girl, holding her hand. The next day he had agreed to see me so I went round, and he told me he was sort of seeing her and had kissed her a few more times. He said he wasn't attracted to her and I was everything to him. We slept together again and he promised to tell her he only wanted to be friends.When I went back to uni, I tried to text him and for a while he responded and we even chatted on the phone. He said he hadn't moved on and still loved me and he hadn't seen her but he still didn't know what he wanted. He lost his phone so I left it a week before contacting him again. When I rang his house, he had his phone back but hadn't contacted me. He said he hasn't moved on from me and misses me "a bit". He said he's been seeing more of this girl, is starting to find her sexy and that she's not his gf "yet". I asked if I could see him when I came home and he said he didn't know because he "won't cheat on her". I got upset and hung up but then tried to phone back a couple of hours later. He told me just to text him and he seemed annoyed I had hung up. I said I wanted to see him one last time to say goodbye face to face and I said I know we both still love each other but I accept you're with her now. He never replied. I came home two days later and we haven't had contact for 2 weeks. Then my friend texts me saying his facebook says he's in a relationship with her and it seems like they're always together. I saw him in town with her today and they were walking to get his bus home to his empty house in the middle of the day - like we used to do. She's not his type at all - she's almost as tall as him, not pretty, overweight and was wearing baggy clothes. I can't believe he's already sleeping with her and taking her to his house and doing all the things we did for almost 5 years. Can he mean it? Is she just a rebound and his way of getting over me? I know how much he loved me so I'm in shock I've been replaced so quickly. I slept with him 3 weeks ago and he told me he wasn't over me 2 weeks ago when we last spoke. He has been suffering with depression since we broke up. I feel like I don't know the person I was so close to was so in love with for almost 5 years.Please help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): I have been the "guy" in a situation like this before. Knowing your partner is moving far away, part of you feels like it will be very painful to keep the relationship going. Long distance relationships are extremely hard and full of resentment and worry, especially at a young age. As a guy, I didn't know what I wanted either, so he may be telling the truth. I did meet someone else too, and so did she...very soon after the break up. Years later, we got back together - but I don't want to encourage expecting that either. I don't know what to say, it's a rebound, he is obviously looking for someone also to cover the hole that your separation has caused, these things always tend to happen fast in my experience, not after months of moping...you rush to cover the loss.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2012):
 Wait a minute. YOU broke up with him, and apparently with good reason, because he was telling you lies , and you were always arguing. So, the relationship was not working, and it was not making you happy, and, very reasonably, you broke up- which means you give permission to yourself and to HIM to move on.
So why now is it a problem if he is actually moving on ? This is what he was supposed to do, and while I understand that seeing yourself substitued so fast may be an unpleasant ego bruise,... it does not change the fact that he DID tell you lies, and you WERE always arguing, i.e. the r/ship had run its course , did not work any more and you did not want it anymore.
Therefore, whether he moves on fast or slow and with whom, should not be relevant at all.
Or, where you just flexing your muscles ? Just tryng to scare him : " Behave or else " ? Generally a bad move, as you have seen. It's always better to say what you mean, and to MEAN what you say.
Nevertheless, if there were constant lies and arguments, I guess yours was the right decision. Back it up by living your life and minding your own business, and let him do exactly the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): breakups are not always clean and black and white, a lot of times they are messy and without a precise beginning or end.
he was in the process of breaking up with you for a long time, when he was saying he doesn't know what he wants that's basically the beginning of the end.
he already was interested in her, but maybe unsure of where it would lead and thus unsure of whether to continue your relationship in case things weren't going to happen with her. that's weak, but many people do that.
basically your ex has a weak character - he's wishy washy and indecisive and can't be alone for even a minute. You don't need this guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 I'm guessing he's been detaching himself from your relationship for a lot longer then you were aware of.. and it sucks.
Could also be that he is doing the rebound thing. Jumping into a relationship as fast as possible to try and dull the hurt. Either way, it's over.
Let him go, wish him luck.
Focus on YOURSELF and your school, your future and YOUR happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): Don't agonize about the whys and hows. You are both quite young and he has obviously had a change of heart. It is very painful but it happens.It could be that he felt the relationship wasn't going anywhere a long time before it became apparent. Hence it seems as if he has just launched himself into another relationship. Also, he may find adapting to life without you as painful as you are after being together such a long time. I wouldn't cling to the idea that this is a blip and he'll be coming back. For your own good, try to look at life without him.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 June 2012):
 So very confused says it so nicely. The signs are all there. There were more lies than you thought. It appears that he is not as stable and steady as you thought. It is also plain that he can't handle a long distance relationship.
The best thing I can tell you is that he was gone long before you broke up with him. Don't waste any more time on him. Try to keep him from your thoughts.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): This sounds like a mirror situation of my ex; only he never said he didn't deserve me, he physically and verbally abused me on a daily basis. However, like my ex, your ex wants the cake and to eat it, too. He's playing games with you and if I were you, I'd get the hell out of dodge because the only person who will get hurt in this situation is you. You're an intelligent girl, do the right thing for YOURSELF.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 June 2012):
 How can we help you to ease your pain?
he dumped you for her basically dear..
usually when someone wants to break up for a "its' me not you" kind of reason, they've found someone else already
whether he's rebounding on her or not should not be your concern... it's over and done with him.
we need here to help you figure out how to take care of you...
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