A
female
age
36-40,
*adyindia
writes:Six years ago, my boyfriend of 2 years and I were going through a rough patch and were on and off til one day it just stayed off. Eventually, we broke off contact and went our separate ways, but I loved him very much still and didn't want the break up in the least. February 2007 we both met other people and got into serious relationships. Mine did not work out after a year due to my still very strong feelings for my ex, but his relationship is still going strong. Here's the thing... Over the 4 years he's been with her, he and I have reconnected many times... months and months of late night talking, intimate secrets, and even sex a few times, but he always ends up back with her. I know the usual thoughts are MOVE ON and HE'S USING YOU, but I'm not sad it happened nor do I regret it because I know we have something really special that's hard to find. Now, at age 26, I am starting to panic because he is on the verge of proposing, and I can't even imagine how hard that would be for me. What I'm asking is, how do I make him see how special we really are together and get him back before it's too late?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Speak up and say something to him. Tell him how you feel. This is your last chance. what have you got to lose?
if he still proposes to her and marries her, you will know that you tried your best and it didn't work so you can't blame yourself. you can move on with no regrets.
but if you stand by quietly while he goes ahead and gets engaged and married to her, you may always wonder if things could have been different if only you had said something...you don't want to live with regrets thinking you had your chance within grasp and you sat by and did nothing so you never know if things could have been different.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): It's already over. You've been postponing real breakup recovery with a facade of intermittent intimacy. Get on with your life and stop trying to get him back. Get a hobby, chill out until you are on even emotional footing, and then find a guy who is available. Otherwise, you stand a distinct chance of becoming a stereotypical crazy chick. You don't want that. You want a real life. Seriously.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): The fact is that while he has been with his new girlfriend, he's been cheating on her.
Whether with you or with someone else, the fact is that he's been cheating on his girlfriend. And now he's going to propose marriage to her??
Isn't there something very wrong with this picture?? what kind of a marriage is it going to be?
I have no doubt that even if he marries her, he will still continue cheating on her with whomever he was cheating with before.
wait, that would be you.
So, do YOU want to see yourself having an affair with a married man? Because that's what will happen if "nothing changes" between you and him, and he proceeds to marry her.
obviously he is not over you, because it's not just physical it's also emotional.
He really should not be proposing to her, not unless he has broken up with you once and for all and proven that it's real. But he hasn't. And since you and him have this thing going, you should be the one to point this out to him.
Maybe it will get him back, maybe it won't. But you should still say something, if you and him had/have this relationship where you can still have late night talking and sharing secrets and all that, you should say something about how wrong it is for him to marry her under these conditions. If you said something and he decided not to propose to her, you would have done HER a favor.
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A
female
reader, ladyindia +, writes (9 February 2011):
ladyindia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are both very right in different ways. Cindy cares, thank you for the honesty... most people in my life just say what i want to hear and help me focus on the good and hopeful but finally someone was honest to GET OVER IT. i realize that im living in a fantasy of him that clouds my progression forward. Although the anonymus answer is good advice, me and him are years past that, we've confessed to eachother over and over and this time i think my true answer is in the facts... im gone from his heart in that way because if i wasnt he'd be gone with me.
thank you for the advice ladies
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A
female
reader, ladyindia +, writes (9 February 2011):
ladyindia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are both very right in different ways. Cindy cares, thank you for the honesty... most people in my life just say what i want to hear and help me focus on the good and hopeful but finally someone was honest to GET OVER IT. i realize that im living in a fantasy of him that clouds my progression forward. Although the anonymus answer is good advice, me and him are years past that, we've confessed to eachother over and over and this time i think my true answer is in the facts... im gone from his heart in that way because if i wasnt he'd be gone with me.
thank you for the advice ladies
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A
female
reader, ashley187  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Why would you want to be the luck one who ends up with a cheater? If he cheats on her, he'll cheat on you.. and the next one and the one after that. You need to walk away from this. If you were the one he wanted, it would be you he was proposing to. Sounds like he uses you for whatever he isnt getting from her. Don't let someone use you. Walk away from this miss. I have a friend just like you and her husband is remarried and pulling the same thing. I keep reminding her.. she's the winner for NOT being with him!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Aww please. If you were 16 I'd be more diplomatic, but you are a grown up woman of 26 , so I 'll just tell you, in fact, shout : GROW UP !
You are seeing reality through the deforming lens of your wishful thinking. You see what you want to see , and if it contraddicts what is really going on, no problem , you'll just edit the most bothersome details.
Like, the fact he is gonna propose another woman. Now , normally if a guy proposes, either he is in love with his
girlfriend, or she is the heiress to a multimillionaire fortune.Is she an heiress ? No ? Then he loves her . He loves HER, not you- because he is marrying her, not you.
Some people would say that one can love two people at the same time, personally I don't agree, anyway let's say that he loves her enough to commit to share his life with her, and he loves you enough for intimate night talks , and random bouts of casual sex ( Btw - he is a cheater- of course you helped him cheat- but do you really think that a cheater would make such a lovely ,reliable mate ? )
My friend, get a grip : realize that you have probably been helping him to... spice up his sex life . As soon things gets a bit stale, a bit monotous,- we have the old devoted ex gf for a bit of naughty flirting and more, to provide that missing " frisson" of excitement... and then it's safely and comfortably back to the loving arms of official girlfriend.
Reality check : you two have something really special that is so hard to find... Then, if it is so special, why can he so easily do without it. Why he is dating someone else and not you , the special one. Why has he not found his way back to you in the last 4 years. It can't have been that special, can it . Maybe you shared some very special moments - you built together some very special memories.
The key word is memories,- belonging to the past. He has made his choice for the future, and that choice is not you.
I regret having to be harsh- but if there is something I hate hate hate is seeing young ,apparently sensitive and educated, possibly even goodlooking young women waste away
years of their time by clinging to harmful illusions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): The only option is to lay your cards on the table and see what happens. It is the only way you can get an honest answer to whether you two could get back together. Then if it is a 'no' from him you will then at least have some closure. Anyway other way would leave you dangling and I think you need honesty so you can get on with your life. It may be painful to get a rejection possibly - but at least you'll know.
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