A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im a mother of twin girls aged 6 from my ex husband. We divorced offically in August last year and he has a great relationship with the twins. We were 18 and 20 when i became pregnant and we married when the twins were aged 8 months. We were far too young to marry but i did love him and we both knew it wasnt working and we broke up. In the last year or so i started seeing a guy who comes into my work place for lunch. Everything was perfect, he got on with my girls and family and to a point my ex husband. We got engaged last summer and although i said yes, we intend it to be a long engagement. Now the problem we have is my ex husband is constantly fighting my current partner. If we want to go away for the weekend, he will only allow the girls to go if he checks out the campsite/hotel. And if we ring him twice a day to check in with him. ( My fiancee's mother lives in france and we try go over every 3 months ). Or if my fiancee takes the twins to the doctors/dentist all hell breaks loose ! My ex husband even started a verbal fight when my fiancee came to parents evening last term and it really upset the twins.My fiancee has asked us to move into his house, but my ex wont allow it because its over an hour away from him and he doesnt approve that the girls would live closer to the outskirts of the city. I wont go against his wishes because i dont feel thats right. We share and choose everything together. But now I feel stuck in between them both. I understand both sides but i dont pick fights with my ex's girlfriends. I admit i do ask to meet them first but that's all. My daughters adore my partner and i feel so different about him then my ex husband. My mother seems to think that my ex husband may still hold a soft spot seeing me in a serious relationship. Im not sure about this. How can i make them see how silly their being? Meeting or let then fight it out without me there? And should i go above my ex's head when i think its right?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Ouch... tender topic.
I can tell you that when my ex and I split up our divorce decree included things like WHERE we could live... (we were limited to about a one hour driving range and we agreed on it in advance) I think a one hour trip is not a big deal but that when you move you and your new husband (do not move in and live together with him till you are married) should be the ones to OFFER (NO INSIST) on transporting the children since it's YOUR choice to move farther away.
"he will only allow the girls to go if he checks out..."
umm why if it's YOUR custody weekend are you seeking his permission to do something with YOUR children?
I can see getting his permission to take them out of the country or take them away on his time, but if it's YOUR time, he should have no say in what's going on with your kids... just like YOU have no say in where he takes them when they are with him....
I can see your fiance going to parents night...to listen... or offer information that only he could provide (such as if he's helping with homework or projects)... but I can also see the bio-dad feeling threatened.
Best advice...
1. DO NO MOVE in together unless you are married. living together for adults is fine.... I do not think it's a good idea where young children are involved especially with an active parent from a previous relationship
2. tell them both to GROW UP and DEAL... but that means your ex has to respect your judgment on what you are doing with your children and YOUR partner has to respect your ex is the dad and he is not and never will be the dad. in fact, until you are legally married he is nothing to the children other than mommy's partner.
3. see a good attorney and spell out in writing what is and is not acceptable for your ex and you to have say in the life of the other.... child support and custody agreements are always being modified...
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (4 January 2013):
Three sure things in life -
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Exs and currents dont like each other
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): If a guy cannot deal with another man bonding with his kids then he should either have never left the kid's mother or done whatever he did that made her leave him. Otherwise he should suck it up and accept that when the kid's mother has a new man in her life that man is going to play a major role in the kids' lives being the live-in male head of the household.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): Sounds like your ex is threatened by the kids having a relationship win another man besides him.For your ex to freak out if your fiancee takes your kids to the doctor or dentist is just wrong. Would he freak out if your brother or sister (their aunt /uncle) or parents or another family member took the kids to the doctor for you? Its not like your fiancee is a stranger he is YOUR partner, who has been vetted by YOU, the kids' mother. Is your ex saying that you don't care for the safety of the kids by having your fiancee take them to the doctor? Of course not. That is control issues and jealousy that your kids love your fiancee and are seeing him as a second father. And why shouldn't they? He is giving of his time and effort to take care of them so why shouldn't they have a good relationship to him? Your ex feels usurped by your fiancee even though in reality their relationship to him is different than to your partner. You should not let your ex control your family lifeIf you didn't have a new partner and instead you took your kids on vacation with your parents or your sister or other family members, would your ex be demanding you check in with him twice a day or feel the need to control where you go on vacation? I suspect not. Yet because your fiancee is in the picture...Its very common for people to use the kids as an excuse to obstruct their ex 's new life and relationship. Its disgusting, disguising their jealousy and revenge and resentment as concern for the kids.
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (4 January 2013):
 I will do more than just cause issues and fight to anybody who ever my ex gf goes out with, a line shouldn't be crossed. I never had my sons to not live with them, maybe you need to arrange a week or 2 week on off arrangement perhaps? I'm not able to but I know of others who do similar, he obviously feels threatened as I do and the thought of another being in contact and doing what I should be is how I see it. Anger and resentment then build and so on
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Okay, here we go, as one single mother to another these are my views:
Your partner had no right to attend parent's evening at school, especially when your children's father appears to be wanting to be hands on and involved. He, your partner, should back off, the kids have a dad, and you say yourself he has a great relationship with the kids.
This episode and the fact you say the children 'adore' your partner suggests to me their father may feel as if your partner is trying to muscle in on his territory.
I agree, twice daily phone calls when you are on holidays is a little over the top, but, especially in relation to overseas holidays, probably not over the top when we consider how many children just disappear from their natural parents through being taken over seas. A very valid fear.
I think the best thing to do would be for you and the girls father to sit down with an experienced mediator and determine between the two of you the best way to deal with this situation for ALL OF YOU, yes, the kids are the prime concern, but their father deserves consideration, and so do you. Your current partners needs should not even be on the list.
Start asking around, find a decent family counsellor or mediator, if you need to pay a little more for a good one consider cancelling one of the 3 monthly overseas trips and use the money for this instead. Believe me it will be money well spent.
Negotiation is the key here and a recognition that all parties concerned need to be considered, and a recognition also, that in this case your partner is not a concerned party.
Good luck, I hope you and your ex husband can work it out so that you both are able to move on with your full and complete lives which includes the opportunity for both of you to parent your girls.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2013):
 I would sit your ex down and talk to him. Find some common rules that can make you both happy.
I think I would also have LEGALIZED visitation rights set up.
http://www.education.com/reference/article/parenting-divorce-negotiate-co-parent/
He should NOT have the right to tell you where to live - when it's not further then an hour - that is ridiculous, where to go camping, seriously?
Seems to me he just likes to still be the boss of your life THROUGH the kids. How can anyone live like that? Your new BF must be part saint to stick around for that.
YES he is the DAD of the twins and seem to take a great amount of interest and effort into his kids, but that doesn't mean YOUR life should be bend around HIS wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): Your ex probably feels threatened and like your fiancee is taking away his power.
if you have custody of the kids and your ex gets visitation, then it stands to reason that when you live with your fiancee, that means your children will be getting raised more by your fiancee than by your ex. therefore I think it's right to override your ex in favor of your fiancee. Your fiancee is going to be doing more of the child-raising for your kids than your ex.
If you and your ex have joint custody then it's different then you should try as much to compromise 50-50, not let him have the final veto on everything.
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