A
female
age
,
*omplexions
writes:I am a recently divorced 57 year old woman. I met a man the same age as me through work. We started a friendship which ended up being very passionate. After about three months he told me he was actually married. He said his wife lived in another state for the past 2 years, however, they were still married an not legally separated. We stopped seeing one another and ended up back with one another and have been seeing one another for the past six months now. My ex husband cheated on me and I was laden with guilt for seeing a married man. We had a huge argument and I ended up confronted his wife. How wrong was this in everyone's eyes. My intentions were not to hurt the man, however, to open their eyes to seek help. They have been married for 33 years and the wife has not slept with her husband for the past three years. He had another affair many, many years ago prior to me and apparently the wife was bitter for all these years and cut him off sexually. I did the best think for myself and all of us I believe. I would appreciate any feedback.PMS
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affair, cheated on me, divorce, married man, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, KayKayKay  +, writes (1 January 2008):
I think you were very brave to contact his wife. I've been told so many people not to contact my husbands girl-friend, and I haven't...but I TOTALLY understand why you did it, and I don't think it was 100% wrong.
When someone gets married the two become one. If they have not divorced and are not legally separatede...then having sex with him is having sex with a married man...and she is in his bed...whether physically or emotionally or mentally. If HE doesn't want to be married...then HE should get a divorce.
I am concered that he lied to you for so long...and you didn't know he was married. This tells you that he has some issues that you may or may not be willing to deal with long term. If he lied about having a wife...he will lie about his relationship with you to another woman...and/or to his wife. To me honesty is VERY important in a relationship. We can not be one if we are not "one." There must be trust.
You need to look at the reasons you contacted her. Did you want to force his hand into a divorce? Did you want to anger her so she would divorce him? Did you just feel you had not control over the direction this relationship was going, and making any choice, (good or bad) was at least exhibiting control...we all need a certain level of control within a relationship. You delt a tough hand to him and her by doing this...but look inside, why did you do it?
Many, MANY woman have done what you've done. Now you must make the next step. There are some wonderful books on this topic which could help you heal. Visit your library...and know that what's done is done. It doesn't matter if we agree or disagree with your choice...I, for one respect you, and have come SO close to doing this so many times.
Good luck! Let me know how it all works out.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (9 December 2007):
 I agree with all the others. You did not have the right to contact your lover's wife. He was wrong to have lied to you and he misled you. Even after that you choose to continue the affair which was your decision. I don't know what the huge fight was about, perhaps your situation? Anyway, this affair is likely over and I don't think you gave either of these people closure to their marriage. I would not send an apology to the wife, she is likely fuming with you at this point and for her you've done enough already. Your relationship is with your lover, to him you owe an apology-only for telling his wife. He owes you an apology, explanation and some freedom. Birdy's right, forgive yourself and move forward.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (9 December 2007):
 As wrong as it was for him to lie to you about being married, no matter what the circumstances were between he and his wife, you were wrong to confront her. You have a lot of baggage from your own past and so did she, but you actually didn't have any relationship to this person, so - You can try to justify it by saying that you had the best of intentions for the sake of their marriage - but you wouldn't be writing to us if you weren't feeling guilty about it because you know that you were wrong. If you want to assuage your guilt, write her a personal note of apology. If you want forgiveness, do a good deed for someone else, without taking credit or expecting thanks for it. Then pat yourself on the back and forgive yourself. You were under duress at the time. We all screw up and need forgiveness once in a while, most of all, we really need to forgive ourselves. God bless and take care. Hope things go better for you in the future.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (9 December 2007):
 Hi - I just think this man's deceit triggered the submerged feelings of betrayal you have from your husband's cheating.
If you feel you have done the best for your own inner peace then thats good. I don't think you have caused any harm to anyone else though. Their emotional marriage does appear to have been over. There maybe legal/financial reasons for them not concluding the marriage formally. If he hadn't lied about his personal circumstances things might have been different. But he did.
Take care
Richard
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