A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex-girlfriend and I dated for almost four years. We had an incredible bond, and shared a close life together. We also lived together, up until recently. Years ago, I left her for someone else, due to communication issues, but then we got back together after several months. Her family and close friends never gave me another chance, but she poured her heart to me. Months ago, we decided to take a break and casually date others, to free up resentment, and work on us, with the goal to make our relationship great for long term.However, she "fell" for this new guy; lied, manipulated, and played with me for almost two months, until we had an explosive break-up and fight. This is also two months after I found out that she was having multi affairs last year, via craigslist men, due to her bi-polar and mania hyper-sexual issues (I found messages on her computer, and she admitted most of it). I emotionally lost it, and trashed several pieces of furniture in the apartment. Her parents then tried to get me thrown in jail (I was charged with multi charges due to state laws), but the DA saw through it, and my lawyer has had everything dismissed. We still have civil matters pending, but I only had to pay the insurance deductible. We're not allowed to talk to each other until all hearing are over with. Is it possible that her family is behind pushing for the strict legal punishment, or both? Despite what's happened, do you think she still loves me and really wants to be with me? I have mixed feelings about her. I still love her, but am so angry and depressed about everything. She told me that day, how confused and hurt she was, and that she wanted to try something new.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 July 2012):
 You are right, what she did was not fair to you. She did put you as a second option, a fall back option. She went out and dated other guys. Maybe it was revenge, after all you met another woman while in a relationship with her. Who knows. But what you do know is that this wasn't the sort of relationship you want. This isn't what makes you happy!
So why go back? Why try again? You're just used to it, you have this habit of getting back with her. It's what happens to people when they become dependent on each other, they fall into self destructive patterns that wont help anyone. I know, I've been in your shoes. I was with an aggressive and controlling man, yet I found it soooo difficult to end things with him. Even when he threatened to throw my things out the window, or when he started borrowing money from me that he didn't return, when he lied to me, when he blocked the door so I couldn't leave the room etc. It's so obvious that that's NOT what you want in a relationship. Yet is it hard to let someone go, it is hard to break free. Especially if you've been treated like a doormat. The other person has slowly broken you down by treating you that way, so that you no longer know what YOU want. You just know what THEY want.
Find your own goals again. Figure out what YOU want and don't lose track of that. If you want a good relationship then you know what you need to do. You need to end whatever you have with your ex. I suggest you don't even try to be friends, just cut contact and slip out of each others lives. Then find someone else. Put all your efforts into a GOOD relationship, and you will be happy. Putting all your efforts into a dysfunctional relationship just drains you of energy and makes you miserable.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (29 July 2012):
This relationship was totally dysfunctional from the start. It would have to be for you to think that the way to make a lasting relationship is to start casually dating other people. She’s cheated, you’ve both dated other people, and now she’s fallen for some-one else. O, and for good measure you then trashed the house up. Face facts, you don’t work together. A reconciliation isn’t going to happen, and even if it did, you’d basically be walking back in to something that’s a failure. You should accept that it’s over and move on, the longer you hope that against all odds you can somehow make this work, the more hurt you’re going to be.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): Thank you everyone for your great feedback; it's very insightful, and really opens up my eyes to some of the problems surrounding the relationship. It's fair to say that we're both guilty on many counts, and that neither of us never did the correct thing(s) to rectify this relationship. Also, I strongly angry about casual dating and taking breaks. In my mind, that simply means an end, or a distraction until someone has the courage to flat out break up. She played me for the last several months, and I should have walked out. Instead, I felt like I was her doormat, or stuck around as possibly her second best option, at the time. Who really knows, but it was all very messed up, and what she did was despicable, and made me breakdown very hard.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 July 2012):
What does it have to take for the two of you to open your eyes to how dysfunctional this relationship of yours is? Things don't get better by casually dating other people. Things don't get better by trashing furniture, or by having lawyers included. Things don't get better by breaking up, and having brakes in the relationship, or time apart. If things suck, then they will CONTINUE to suck. That's something you BOTH need to understand. If a relationship is crap, makes you miserable, and makes you want to date other people and trash furniture, bring each other to court etc etc etc. Then it is NOT a good relationship. It doesn't matter if you love each other. There are tons of people on this globe for you to love. Tons of people who you could have a good relationship with! This one you CAN'T have a good relationship with, as you have both now proven over and over! How much more misery must you put yourself through before you realize that you will never be happy with this girl? Look at the state of things! If love was truly enough to have a blissful relationship then you wouldn't be where you are today, you would be happily married ages ago and never had another fight. This relationship and it's foundations died long time ago. The only reason you've kept going at it is because you don't know any better. Like a fly always trying to get out through a closed window, banging at the window until it dies. You go at it and at it and at it, but you won't ever get through. And it's not for a lack of trying. The solution is to go in a different direction. Translation: you need a different girlfriend. It's hard to let go, but it's the lost dreams of what COULD have been that you mourn. The harsh reality of what you and her had isn't what you are missing. If you want to get dragged in and out of court, and lose control over your temper and occasionally trash furniture, while you continue to casually date other people.. well, if that is your idea of a good relationship then by all means, continue to pursue her. But if what you actually want is something quite different... then you need to look in a different direction and quit banging against that window. I suggest you change directions before you end up losing your mind.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (29 July 2012):
 Your relationship was not as close of a bond as you think. BOTH of you cheated on each other. This would not have happened if you really loved each other and were as close as you are trying to convince yourself of.
- Why would she want to be with someone with such an explosive temper, and who has no self control?
- Why would you want to be with someone who lies to you, sneaks around behind your back, and is incapable of being faithful yo you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): Is her family behind it? Does it matter?
Personally I don't think you two don't sound like a healthy mix. She cheats and has psychological issues. You get violently angry.
I'd try to take some time off before dating other people. If you truly want closure and reconciliation, apologize to her for trashing her place when you can and then move on. She might still be willing to give it another try, but there is way too much baggage in this situation. The trust gone. Good luck.
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