A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Apologies for a long question.I am a 19 year old guy. Five years ago I met a girl and we dated for a few months, then broke up and became best friends. We have both had other relationships since, but remained very good friends throughout. A couple of months ago she started talking to one of my best male friends and now they want to start a relationship. I know nothing has happened so far, and I know I shouldn't have a problem with it, but I do. Her dating other people has never bothered me, but this does, for some reason.Although I love her very much as a friend, and she has told me the same, I don't feel I would like to have a relationship with her. Even still, I am insanely jealous of the time they spend together. Am I just worried that I will lose her? Or am I worried that their relationship will cause me to lose them both as friends?I don't really know what to do. We have all been honest with each other about the way we feel, and so far they have respected my feelings and refrained from doing anything, because they know how much it would hurt me. The worst part is, I feel bad because I'm stopping them from being happy with each other, but I would feel worse if they were together.What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): Thankyou all for the advice.
depaiva, I honestly don't think I am in love with her - I love her so much as a friend, but that's all. You are right though, she deserves to be put first. I do want her to be happy.
jabey, thankyou for assuring me that feeling jealous is a natural and valid response. Sure, I can't help my feelings, but I can help the way I act upon them. And you are also correct - if they are such good friends to refrain from doing anything so far, I don't think this will come between us.
anonymous guy - this was perhaps the polar opposite of the advice I wanted to hear when I wrote the question, but it is all true nonetheless. I just needed someone to say it. :P
Essentially, I am going to apologise to them for holding them up so far, it was never my place to. I realise that things will change (ie they will have things that they will only want to talk to each other about) and I will just have to accept this. Ultimately though, if they are happy, I will be too. Just need to have a chat to her and define the boundaries of our relationship e.g. when she stays over, it's definitely on the couch, not in my bed. Even if nothing happens, that doesn't work as friends :P
Thanks guys!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): You have got to be kidding. You dated a girl for a few months FIVE YEARS ago and you think it might be OK to tell her she should not date someone?
Any statute of limitations that may have ever existed for her to not date your friend expired a very long time ago.
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A
female
reader, jabey  +, writes (8 February 2007):
I think you are all being very mature and respectful of each others feelings, that is lovely to hear, as these days people often seem to have so much disrepect for each other.
I think you are ok to have all these feelings and it must be very hard. But honestly think you need to let go. If you really dont want a relationship with her, then Im afraid you really must try to give them your blessing.
I am so sure you will not loose them as friends, I think they will make a real effort with you. Its natural to feel jealous even with same sex friends when one spends more time with a new partner, its common to feel jealous and a sense of loss, asthey have less time for you. And of course in your case this is a double whammy.
I am sure if you are really strong, (you sound like you are) in time you will learn to deal with this and also maybe you could try to move on yourself, and find someone special for yourself, and in time you will all be friends together.
Who knows if they get together, it may not even work.
This may kick start you into perhaps doing some different things and meeting new people etc.
With your blessing these two friends will think the world of you and you will feel so good about yourself, and in time will get used to the new dynamics. I promise.
Take care, it will all be well.
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A
female
reader, depaiva  +, writes (8 February 2007):
 It sounds like you might still be in love with her but you have not realized it. That aside, you are being unfair to her by not allowing her to find happiness.... Are you jealous of your guy friend?
She has been very loyal to you by respecting how you feel about her dating your friend and she has put your feelings first-be a man and show her the same kind of loyalty by putting her feeling first. You want her to be happy don't you?
If you figure out that you're still in love with her-then you need to deal with that first. You deserve to be true and honest with yourself and with both your friends.
Best wishes and i hope all turns out ok
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