A
male
age
41-50,
*igerpride77
writes:My ex fiancé broke up with me 4 months ago. We were together for almost four years. At first she needed space and was confused because she couldn't get over issues in our past. She wanted time and for me to back off and give her space. We have continued to live together due to financial obligations..so time away has been hard. At first I had problems giving her space because she was seeing someone else which did not last long at all. But I worked on myself and got better. I have been living for me. After all of our ups and downs we are at a place now where she considers me her best friend. And even though she is talking to a few guys she insists she does not want a relationship with anyone. She wants her freedom but at the same time tells me that she wants to care for me and do all the things for me she has always done. Cook for me...make my coffee...even clothes shop for me. She talks about holidays together with our families and plans for next year. When we go out she holds my arm....plays around with me...hugs me( things I rarely ever did in public ). We laugh and joke and pick at each other just like when we began dating. She treats me like a boyfriend. But if I make a comment about getting back together she is quick to point out that topic is not up for discussion. She's not ready for anything like that and doesn't know if she will ever be. She has stopped talking about moving out and makes references all the time to "we". She tells me she loves me and cares for me and it's her job to take care of me. But she can't tell me what she wants. I mean who treats their best friend like this ? She's not this way with anyone else and I don't get it. So I walk away? Should I even hope for a future with her ? I get so many mixed signals that I don't know what to do. It's like she won't let go and I don't know how to handle it. I love her with all my heart. She is the best thing I had in my life. But I don't know how to deal with this or what to think about her actions. And it's hard watching her talk to these guys. But the moment she knew I was talking to other females she started being clingy. Anyone out there have any advice?????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): She is mixed up and has backed off from commitment while keeping you near at hand.I wonder what brought about her commitment anxiety?Was it a memorable event or was it a recent excursion into single life.Whatever the reason it leaves you in limbo. You might as well take advantage of your close situation to ask her what she is scared of?Does she want children?Has she decided she is too young to settle down?I agree that it would be best to be living in seperate quarters and I think maybe you could recoup some self esteem by selling the ring and getting something nice for yourself.She will probably miss you for years afterwards but it is probably best to move on because while she is seeing other guys you are both loosing respect for yourselves as a couple. She may want to stay 'friends' so you had better let her know that you dont need friends but you do need to move on and find your future wife because that is your projected intention!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 December 2016):
 This must be so hard for you. To be honest, from the description you give, she sounds more like she is mothering you than anything else (cooking, clothes shopping, etc). You can liken your situation to having a plaster on a hairy part of your body. When it comes to removing the plaster, you have choices: (1) leave it in situ until it falls off itself, (2) pull it off slowly so the pain is not intense but lasts a long time, or (3) pull it off quickly - the pain will be intense but only for a relatively short time. At the moment, you appear to be going for choice #1. This means you cannot start to heal because you have not removed the plaster. You need to sit down with your ex and tell her that, if you two can't get over whatever issues you had in the past and try to make another go of your relationship, you must separate properly and both move on, otherwise I can see the situation still being the same years down the line.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2016):
 Well she has the best of both worlds now. You to play house with and the ability to fool around with other men without consequences.
The key is how clingy she gets when you try to get interested in other women.
I agree with FA that the only way to resolve this is to pull out the big guns. Move out. stop playing house with her and giving her what she wants.
do not let her do anything for you when she cooks/shops/does anything for you say "no thank you" and refuse it.
Do not go out with her. Do not make plans with her. In fact, start living separately while you find a place to move to. IF you have a friend you can stay with do that.
It may resolve itself back to being engaged if that's what you want or it may prove to be the end. either way you will have your answer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): As fatherly advice says start untangling your financial obligations from hers and move out. Who needs such a complicated affair in his life?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 December 2016):
 What do you want?
What is your long term goal?
Are you looking for reconciliation?
No matter what your goal is the first step will be to separate your financials and move out.
She can not and will not change her attitude towards you until she believes to her very core, that you are leaving forever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): She is playing with your mind. You are not her puppet. You need to stop enjoying the 'part time' attention she gives you. Here are two options for you to consider. I highly reccomend option #1.Option 1: Move out. If it means temporarily renting a room from someone, do it. You need to remove yourself from her. She is poison to your heart and mind.Option 2 : Stop going out with her. Stop eating at home. Do your own chores and laundry. Start dating other females. You can go out to movies, dinners, or just hang out with other females, doesn't have to be a relationship. Or hang out more with male friends, colleagues, or spend some time with family. Try to spend as little time as possible with her.
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (28 December 2016):
She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
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