A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want to be fit. I want that for my girlfriend too. So does she. She complains about how clothes look on her. She is very attractive but could be in better shape. Obviously, I’m on board. She is all talk but little action. I tried to make it a thing we do together. It would benefit our relationship. I’ve been running and/or working out near daily but she doesn’t like running or doing any of my workouts with me. She doesn’t want to exert. Her workouts don’t do it for me. It’s hard to stay motivated if we’re not in it together, but I’m doing ok. She’s not. She got a gym membership months ago but isn’t using it. It’s a sore subject. We both need to lose weight, but only a bit overweight, enough that it’s not helping the sex life. We are at a point in our young adult lives that we need to do this now or we will slip.How do I make it work?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2017):
 If you want to break off the relationship because she is not losing weight and you are then that kinda makes you shallow. Did you not get with her for a reason? Is looks so important to you, do you not love her? Look it is your choice.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 January 2017):
 hi
Don't try to convince her against her wishes. She is not ready. She thinks she has all the time in the world.
Go to the gym. Keep up the good work. Throw yourself into activity. Extend your fitness routine when you can to swimming and cycling outside the gym.
When the opportunity presents prepare a healthy meal. Serve it. No preaching about it being healthy. She does not want to listen.
She is not yet ready.
As you get fitter she is likely to become more anxious over time. When her anxiety reaches ''ready'' then you can encourage her.
Your improved fitness is really testing your relationship to the limit.
When you feel emotionally able to endure her reaction then sit her down and tell her that her lack of commitment to following through by attending the gym etc is making you question the relationship. Tell her how her inaction is making you feel.
Expect a reaction.
There will come a point where she will realize she is going to lose you.
You have reached the point of questioning the relationship over her lack of resolve.
Expect her to lay a massive guilt trip on you for wanting to leave her.
Stop trying to convince her of the impossible.
Her own self esteem is probably lower than really low.
Sadly she may need to reach utter bedrock before she can improve her motivation.
All your ''convincing'' arguments are possibly only ramping up her anxiety.
Breaking up, then looking for a new relationship and dealing with her guilt trips as a result may be stressful for you too.
Thus I suggest that you continue to successfully concentrate on your own fitness program, your own healthy eating plan, and keep on rewarding you emotionally by congratulating you on every goal you reach.
One thing you can do to give you a great sense of achievement is to start an exercise diary. Each time you visit the gym note the date, how long you spent there and give yourself a red star for attendance and for what you did at the gym on a particular day.
If you walk up or down a series of stairs then note the date and how many levels of stairs. Eg walked up ten floors of stairs and give yourself a purple star.
If you swim then date. How many laps, length of a lap and a blue star.
Same with a bicycle ride outside and a different coloured star.
Same with a walk outside and maybe a green star.
Occasionally leave the book where she can see it and get curious.
But don't say a word on the book.
Just lead by example.
You are doing everything right.
The gap between the two of you is getting wider.
Stop trying to convince her of what she does not want to hear.
Set some goals for yourself for the future. Maybe a very active vacation where you do a lot of mountain climbing.
She is causing you to doubt her commitment to you since she has failed to follow through. Her difficulties seem to be emotional, psychological and these difficulties are seriously impacting on her ability to become motivated about losing weight.
Prepare yourself emotionally for a possible breakup.
Start thinking about the partner you would like in your life in the future.
You are likely to meet such a partner at the gym, or actively taking part in a sport you enjoy playing. Such as cycling, swimming or something outdoors in nature.
It is far easier to meet the ideal person if you already have a vision of what that person will be like.
It is sad that your partner is so unmotivated. At the moment it appears to be her choice to remain unchallenged and unmotivated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: I'm doing pretty well now on my workout plan, but she's still not doing anything. There's always an excuse for why not, and if I bring that up I'm being "insensitive" and there's a fight. Last year the excuse was school, recently it was a new job, Then more recently it was "sensitive stomach," now it's "anxiety" that stops her from doing anything physical. Bringing up her year-long gym membership that hasn't been used yet in 6 months is a guaranteed fight.
We've been together 4 years. I'm keeping my end of the bargain she she's not. It's really bothering me. Should I break it off?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (3 January 2017):
It sounds like you have taken control off what you want. But are you sure she truly wants to lose weight? I mean most women do complain about how their clothes look on them but have no intentions off doing anything about it. You simply can only motivate yourself. If she is not willing to do it for herself then it is her loss. Keep up the good work, and hopefully she will see the effort you are making and want to join in. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (29 December 2016):
 It sounds like you are already half way out the door. Here's my best advice: 'Know what you want'.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDenizen, I’m not aware of any athletic hobbies or sports that interest her at all. She claims that running makes her feel sick. Walking makes her sore. Exercise makes her too sore. She was thin into her twenties and now not so much. Abella, you're right about the attention from other women, but so far all it has done is piss her off and make her possessive. I’m getting a lot more attention from women now. Yeah, I enjoy it and shouldn't feel guilty about it. You're also right that she tries to make me eat terrible stuff all the time--to enable her own behaviour. But i'm the bad guy for calling it out. It’s impacted my attraction towards her as well. We’ve been together for four years and I like her personality quite a bit, but I don’t see myself settling down or having kids with her if she can’t keep up. I know who I want to be and who I want, but it's not meshing with the real world. I need it to.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (28 December 2016):
Running isn't for everyone. Some say it will ruin your knees by time you are 40. Gym doesn't suit some people either. Cycling or walking are good exercise. Some like swimming but I find swimming in a pool boring. I think the bottom line is to find something which suits you. You do need to keep at it though. Don't buy the latest aid to exercise off the TV and then keep it behind the settee.
Eating a healthy diet is also important part of getting in shape. Don't go for the fad diets. Eat a balanced diet but I have to say the portions you get in the US are enormous and if you are prone to clearing your plate you might want to rethink that one.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 December 2016):
You can motivate yourself. You can become fit with a nice flat midriff and toned legs and arms. You can become fit enough to cycle 100 miles effortlessly or swim laps for 5 hours without raising a sweat. You can get to that point because you are motivated to get to fit and lose that extra weight.Sure you can say encouraging things to her, but if she is not yet motivated then all you are doing is banging your head against a brick wall. Or worse, if she feels judged, then she may be digging her heels in, and rebelling, for what ever reason is holding her back from losing weight. Maybe only a psychologist could unlock the reasons holding her back, though she would not appreciate hearing that from you. Yes I hear that you agreed to do this together, but her heart is not in it. You know that you will look and feel better if you peel off this "a bit overweight" from your body.Stop trying to motivate her. Don't hold back on praise though if she does ANYTHING positive to lose weight.In the meantime concentrate on getting YOU slim, trim and terrific.She may even find it a little threatening.She may try to sabotage your efforts with extra pizza on your plate, and encouraging you to have a double helping of what ever you enjoy eating.Do not let up on YOUR efforts to lose weight and improve your fitness and tone up your body.Be aware that men often do find it easier to lose weight than women.The rewards to you will come to you with better long term health and a better body once you lose that little bit of extra weight.Once she is faced with a hot, trim healthy good looking man she can either lift her game or put up with all the girls giving you flirty looks, for looking so hot.your Gf is an adult. She does not yet see any reason to lose weight. She has no sense of urgency that it is important for her to get healthy. she is not bothered that she is wasting money by investing in a gym membership that she is not using her leisure time to lose weight.Give her a reason to change her mind by becoming the hottest guy in your family, street, workplace or place of leisure.If you looking hot cannot motivate her then she will have to wait until she is finally seized with motivation. That may happen when she reaches 40 or 50 or 60 or never. Can you wait that long for her to take control of her own health?How long since the two of you had a full medical to see the real current state of your health? It may not seem important to her right now but long term she and you will benefit from improving your fitness.It is frustrating when someone you love is not motivated to do what is best to support good health in the future.Sadly you may have to reach acceptance that losing weight is just not very important to her at the moment, despite what you thought was an agreement to do this together.
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