A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thanks in advance to all who take the time to reply.Two years ago my partner( not married) kind of disappeared on me. I contacted him a few times seeking explanation and closure but no response. I had my pride and stopped.As you can imagine I was heartbroken but got on as best I could with career, family and friends and dated a number of men but guess I still wondered about my ex to be honest.A couple of weeks ago he got in touch and wants to take me for dinner. My heart and head are all over the place. My head says he has probably been with someone else for two years...she dumped him so he is heading back my way. I dont trust him. My heart says I am curious to hear what he has to say but so guarded. I think it is disrespectful for him to show up back in my life after two years.The question is....should I accept his dinner invitation and hear him out. I am not afraid to ask the hard questions.Or should I say...sorry you disrespected me two years ago...not feeling it. This has thrown me for a loop..it really has.
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heartbroken, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2020): Get him to take you to the best and most expensive restaurant in town. Choose all of the most expensive dinners, extra portions. Then tell him to lost when you have eaten it all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2020): In spite of all the wise suggestions from anonymous readers, aunts, and uncles to do otherwise; you'll take him back. He's probably homeless and broke.
You're a mature woman in her 50's. Women I've known in that age-group, and many who've written to DC; allow their abusers to stay. They let cheating no-count bags of dirt drag them through the mud, and strip them of their pride and dignity. No matter what those beat-up disgusting old-farts do to them; they keep them, or take them back.
You probably don't care that he may have dumped you for somebody else for the last two years. If you're still alone; it's probably because you waited. For all you know, he spent the last two years in jail! Hearing him out, don't mean diddly-squat!
Good-luck! I have no advice for you.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2020):
 Lord-love-a-duck ! Eight years, and he disappears on you without even a " by your leave " ?...
That makes it even worse, - this is quite a scumbag move , unless he was abducted by aliens.
I changed my mind, don't accept the invitation, - just don't go, it would be really a waste of time for you and for him a satisfaction which he does not deserve at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): The way this man treated you is selfish, irresponsible, callous, dishonest and wicked if you had been with him properly and full time for eight years and then he just disappears.
How could you consider meeting up with him again after that? He will not change. The best you will get is that he pretends to change while it suits him.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 October 2020):
 He did this after an 8 year relationship?!
That makes it even worse...
Was or is he married by any chance? Because then it might make a TAD more sense to just "ghost" you and show up out of the blue. (NOT that it makes it OK, just more "rational").
The Italians having a Proverb, "He that deceives me once, its his fault; but if twice, its my fault.'”
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): Together eight years and that was how he treated you, little wonder it was very hard for you.
He will no doubt spin you a yarn to try and reel you in, this time YOU are in control of this, I hope you tell him to sling his hook!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): No you do not need to hear him out. You will go for dinner, he will give you lies and a sob story of why he has been AWOL for two years. You will believe him because you really want to and still have feelings for him - even though a tiny portion of your gut will be telling you not to trust him. You will ignore your gut and go with your heart. He will tell you everything you want to hear again. You will lap it up and think things are wonderful. He will realise that you are still the same as you were two years ago (as no one changes that much in two years), get bored and ghost you again. Men like this are all the same. When they have no better offers they go back to old flames - UNTIL a better offer comes along. Not to say there’s anything wrong with you at all. But there’s something wrong with him. Men like this tend to get lonely so they find someone, and then they get bored because they THINK they can do better. It’s called a narcissist. He knows you are weak. He knows you like him. And he knows you will fall for his fake charm and take him back. He will never respect or value you if you allow this to happen. Men want a women they respect and value not a woman that lets them walk al over them. Don’t be that woman. Respect yourself first and others will respect you. At the end of the day he is the weak pathetic one. He is a coward who ghosts women because he is scared to tell the truth. He is pathetic because he goes back to exes as he needs an ego fix so goes back to someone he knows really likes him. He can’t be on his own so he goes back to exes when there’s no one else in his life. A text takes a minute to reply to - so as far as I’m concerned no excuse is good enough for that. By all means feel sorry for him. But not because of the sob story he’s about to present you with. But because he is weak. Be the strong one and tell him where to go.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): The only thing you need to say to this jerk are the lyrics to the song "I Will Survive"
'Go on now,go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore'
Walk could someone like him say that could possibly be any use to you? "Oops my bad!"
Accept his invitation, stand him up, block him and then continue to move on with your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): I am the poster of the question. I was with this man for eight years.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2020):
I'm with CindyCares (as usual) I'd tell him, no thanks. NOTHING more - YOU do not OWE him and explanation as to WHY you want nothing to do with him anymore.
Give yourself closure OP. He can't really do that. Even if he tells you why he disappeared you will always have lingering doubts to that story. Accept that YOU mean so LITTLE to him that he felt "ghosting" you was no big deal. And contacting you 2 YEARS later out of the blue is again, a show of how little he respects you. He put you back on a shelf to "do whatever" for 2 years and now that HE feels like it, he think he can just pick up whatever he had with you until he gets "bored", "find someone else" or just feel like changing things up. That doesn't sound like a great guy to me. Definitely, I'd say to myself HIS LOSS.
Also I would BLOCK and delete his number so he can't contact me out of the blue again.
And I also agree that :
"Do you really want to waste an evening listening to lame excuses that don't actually excuse anything ?..."
Eh, he isn't worth your time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): We were together for eight years
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Curiosity killed the cat. Let us have some honesty here. You want to hear what he has to say because you are longing for him to have some fantastic excuse which makes it sound fine to disappear on someone for two years.What could this excuse be? There is no excuse. I have racked my brain and cannot think of a single thing that makes sense.He probably found another woman more exciting, fresh, richer, compliant, good looking and made the most of it until she dumped him - because believe me if she was better than you it was her that dumped him. He does not want to be on his own now, without her, but he has no chance of being with her so he decides to move onto plan B, looking up leads from the past, ones that were not that good then, not compared to this fantastic woman, but look better when he realises he is alone and has no sex life now.I wonder if he is also realising that he is not as fantastic as he thought if he was dumped by someone who decided she was better off without him - probably not.One thing I wonder though, I speak to a lot of women who go on about being in a relationship yet when the chips are down they mean they met once or they only rubbed together for sex for a few weeks, nothing serious, no commitments, no plans for the future. If this guy was someone you met up with and maybe slept with once or twice it is not fair to call that a relationship.Whether you like it or that that is casual, and lots of people do that stuff now with as many people as they can. The really desirable ones might have four or more casual things on the go at the same time with no intention of getting serious or monogamous with any of them.If you were just a casual thing he has every right to disappear without explanation. He also has a right to ignore texts that talk to him as if you are a proper couple and need to explain yourselves to each other.He owed you nothing. He could come and go as he pleases and just end it without saying, because there is nothing to end.Personally I know lots of women who are silly enough to go along with the casual stuff and jump into bed with the guy far too quickly and then cry over how they were treated as a cheap tart, but they should not have behaved as one. I also know many of them wanted to pretend it was a real relationship with everything other than marriage and living together, and thought that if they degraded themselves to do it his way it would eventually be how they want. It never is. Common sense tells you that makes no sense.Nowadays some guys, if they can get away with it, have various women for various things. Some will want a girlfriend for when in the big city and another for when back at home, some for sex, some for great home cooked meals, maybe even some for money. Right now this guy might settle for someone to sit and eat a meal with because he has nothing better, and then hope it becomes more.In a way dating such guys is not much better and can be far worse than dating a married man who at least is only seeing you and his wife and not any woman who comes along and takes his fancy and says yes. But at least if it was casual with no promises the fault lies with you for thinking and acting as if it was more and expecting too much.A relationship is where you meet regularly and often, well as often as you can, and only each other, no other dates, no other relationships, promises for the future.If that is how it was then him disappearing and not replying to texts is unforgiveable and it does not matter what lies or excuses he tells you.But you long to hear those comforting words that somehow excuse his actions and turn the clock back.Impossible.Stop dreaming for something that can never happen, be logical, if it was a real relationship and he did this to you then he is a low life. He will always be a low life, no matter what excuses or promises he comes up with.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 October 2020):
 You give no indication of the longevity of the relationship and there is no way of telling this from your post (intentionally, I would assume). On the one hand you call him your partner, which points towards a relatively serious and long term relationship, yet, on the other hand, you only made a few attempts to contact him after he "kind of disappeared", which would point towards him just being someone you casually dated.
Whatever the true status of your previous relationship with this man, he has now popped his head up again and I suspect, whether you agree to meet him or not, he will be living rent-free inside your head. The questions you need to ask yourself, therefore, are:
"Will meeting him dredge up old feelings and set me back?"
"What are my expectations if I do go to meet him?"
"If I don't go to meet him, will it play on my mind longer and make me wonder what he had to say?"
"Would it give me better closure if I just sent him a message back saying "Ha ha, no thanks" and moved on with my life?"
If you answer these questions honestly, you will hopefully come up with the right course of action FOR YOU, the course of action which will cause you LEAST pain.
If you go to meet him and get back with him, you have only yourself to blame for the way he treats you in future. He has already shown you what he is capable of. First time round is unlucky because you were not to know the nature of the beast. Anything after that is a CHOICE, pure and simple. Just keep that in mind if you are tempted to forgive and forget and get back together.
I would suspect he met someone he preferred, the relationship has now run its course, so he is going back to you until something better comes along again, but that is just a gut feeling and I am sure, if it is the case, it is highly unlikely he will admit to it. Whatever his reasons/excuses, there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for ghosting someone for two years. That is cruel, impolite and shows a lack of class.
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female
reader, SamanthaIreland  +, writes (4 October 2020):
 Sorry to hear you are going through this. Ot is always hard when an ex returns!! I would hear him out i do think your intuition is right he could have been with someone for the two years. I agree with cindycares hes like a ghost!!!
I would hear him out and definately not leve him on my mind and its up to you if hes worth acknowledging again and speaking to. I really hope this helps you.
Samantha
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (4 October 2020):
 I don't think that you should meet him for dinner, infact i think you should just cut contact with him.
I think he has all of a sudden found himself single again, and is going through his long line of ex's seeing who is still available. He has cast his fishing rod out and is seeing if he gets any bites.
He left you in limbo, completely disappeared on you, and never returned any of your calls. He never cared about you then, so he won't care about you now.
You say you don't trust him, well just on that basis alone is enough reason not to meet up with him for dinner. If you do meet him he will give you a BS sob story, and you will be lured back in, but i guarantee he will fail you again and you will be left upset.
My advice would be to keep on your mind how you felt last time he hurt you. Don't even bother getting in touch with him to tell him you don't want to go to dinner. Instead i would delete him on everything and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 October 2020):
Did this man ghost you two years ago... and now ,after two years, he pops up as cool as a cucumber ,asking you out for dinner ?... What a nerve !
I feel the only logic decision would be to decline his invitation- with no explanations either from your side .
No " You disrespected me bla bla so now I am refusing to see you ". Just " no thanks ". Why ? because you don't need to hear his story, whatever he says you can count it's bullshit. Unless of course he was two years in a coma ( improbable, and he would have mentioned it in asking you out...) or abducted by a terrorist group ( ...it would have been in the news ...).
Other than that, it will all be some variations of " I was in a dark place " or " I needed to find myself " or " It wasn't you it was me " or other variations of stale chick-lit platitudes,- none of which solid enough to justify his cowardice, selfishness and rudeness in not even bothering, two years ago, to at least drop you a line of text : " It's over ".
If yours was really a relationship or a partnership
( ...not just a few casual dates, in which case ,mind you, he still would be somewhat a jerk, but not unforgivably and utterly such ) his behaviour is unacceptable, period.
Do you really want to waste an evening listening to lame excuses that don't actually excuse anything ?...
I am not advising you to hold an eternal grudge for this guy- in fact, I'd just file him under " life experience " and move on , without any need to resurrect him for recreational purposes.
Said all this, you are only human and it's natural that you may feel a burning curiosity and a lack of " closure " which against your best judgement may easily convince you to accept this dinner invitation. In this case, go... but please go with a clear mind, and eyes wide open, and well aware that whatever tale of woe he will spin to justify himself.... 99% it will be just this, a tale to impress tender- hearted women.
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