A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About the ex:I was 16 years old and he was 18 then. We met online and hit it off pretty well, though he was pretty cautious about our friendship at first. He doesn't trust people easily. Well, for some reason, he started asking me for relationship advice and soon, I was the one attracted to him. Once we established that this was mutual, we were "unofficially" a couple because he said he could only really date a girl he'd met before.We met after 8 months when my family decided to take a vacation where he lived. We were really happy and it was finally official. Pretty soon after that he started asking for phone-sex and such. I was fine with it, since we were an LDR and didn't get to meet each other often. This is my first relationship, and since I came from an all girls school, I have next to no actual dating experience with guys. I thought this was pretty normal.Fast forward a year into the relationship, we broke up a few times, but almost always got back together the next day. The first time was because he said I didn't pay enough attention towards him. Apparently I missed replying one of his texts while I was in tuition and suddenly that meant I didn't care. I was completely thrown, but I wanted to give it another try.Other times were because I said I felt there was too much emphasis on sex in our relationship and I didn't feel ready for that. He got really hurt about that... like I betrayed him? He almost always turned it back on me though, but I would always have to be the only apologising and begging for him to take me back.Then he started feeling depressed from some stress he was receiving at his internship and he started having 'thoughts' that he couldn't get out of his mind. This put a huge strain on the relationship since at this point, I was his lover and his only confidant. I was also sitting for my national exams at the time. He refused to talk to anyone else about this, even when it got really serious (he started calling me up sobbing about it). He kept saying his parents wouldn't understand and he didn't believe it when I told him the symptoms sounded like he had OCD. (Another on-going argument, he doesn't like taking advice from anyone so whenever we talked about important stuff, I felt like I didn't have much of a say or I was just ignored) I could feel it bothered him a lot but I also felt extremely helpless. It distanced us so much, along with it being an LDR and everything else going on. He also complained constantly. It was just like a cycle and it never got any better. He either threw everything at me or he constantly tortured himself over it (which was somehow also my job to make it better). I also felt that he never made any effort to keep us together. I always had to be the one to fly to his place, and any future plans were also made with me going to live with him. He never came to visit me because as a 20 year old guy, his parents won't allow him to come over. I mean, seriously? It was like I existed only for him.Anyway, I finally had enough and I broke things off with him definitely before I entered college. It was then that he flew over to my place to beg for me back, then he tried to kiss me against my will(?!) I freaked and ran away. I considered being just friends, but from his behaviour, I could guess he would always try to get me back, which I couldn't take.At the same time, I started getting closer to guy A, whom I had met in college. After finding out about guy A, my ex gets furious and thinks I've been cheating on him the whole time. He sends guy A threatening texts with lewd messages that implicate that I had sex with my ex. Which I never did!Thankfully Guy A stood by my side, and I was really worried at this point since I rather liked guy A and I didn't want this to jeopardize anything between us. At this point I didn't contact my ex at all, except to tell him not to text or call me anymore. I thought a cutting off all contact was better for the both of us, since he had shown his true nature.Shortly later on guy A's birthday, my ex managed to add him on facebook under a fake account(he tried to add me too, but luckily I didn't accept) and he posted racy photos of me in public, tagging guy A, who was by now my boyfriend. I was devastated and completely humiliated. Later that same day, my ex texted me that he was going to send some mail to my house addressed to my parents. I was so depressed and helpless, I didn't know who I was more angry at. Myself or my ex.Guy A was always there by my side, even after I told him that those pictures were true. Finally now, months later, he says he misses me alot and he can't talk to anyone else about his stuff, so can we be friends?What do I say to that? I can't honestly be his friend after what happened. I feel so much disgust that I'm even replying his texts because I'm afraid that he'll change and start threatening me again... My ex is not remorseful of what he did and actually believes I should be the one that's grateful that he's talking to me, since I left him.Guy A hates the idea of me talking to my ex (I do too) and it's affecting our relationship. But he says he just wants me to be safe and happy and if this is how we need to do it, so be it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eyewonder  +, writes (15 January 2012):
I can't believe he has the guts to do that to you. You should not even consider getting back together with an ex. He does not show even the slightest respect towards women in general. Do not return back to him.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 December 2011):
 I wouldn't even reply to bastard ex. I would block any possible contact with him.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 December 2011):
 Don't even think about letting this creep back into your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Block him. He is absolutely vile. Erase him from your life and fAst.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (27 December 2011):
 You cannot be "friends" with this guy. He will never be your friend, he will always be a parasitic controlling manipulative needy jerk. This guy is intimidating and harassing you to get what he wants and if you give him an inch (agreeing to listen) he will take a mile. He relishes the control he can exert over your life through blackmail.
You need to block him from all means of communication and if he continues to contact you, get a restraining order.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): Flush this toxic person out of your life right now. No ifs, no buts. Change your phone number, block him on Facebook, block his email address - the lot. Don't *ever* speak to him again. Never ever. I was genuinely shocked to read your post. Your ex is an incredibly manipulative, vindictive and controlling individual... I'm really sorry you had the misfortune of being involved with such a person. And for as long as you keep in contact with him, you're allowing him to have a hold over your life; it isn't just the memories of what he did but the fact that, as you said, speaking to him is affecting your relationship with Guy A. Don't let this happen for a moment longer.
Who cares if he has nobody else to talk to? I'm not surprised that's the case if that's the way he treats people. The photos would have been the absolute final straw for me. He misses you, so what? He never deserved you in the first place. I'm not usually this condemnatory, but the way your ex behaved in your regard was utterly disgusting. For your own sake and that of your new relationship, cut your ex from the picture for good. Forgive him if you can, because it's infinitely better than bearing a grude - but this is one occasion on which you can afford to forget him too. Then move on, because your ex isn't your problem anymore. All the very best, sweetie. Take care x
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