A
female
age
30-35,
*ah mouw
writes:Hi. Well I think I've got a huge question... I think about 3 months ago my boyfriend and I broke up. I took it really hard at first and then I just sort went on with things and didn't really care...because we weren't talking to each other... about a little less than a month ago he decided to start talking to me again... it's alright I guess... But, the thing I've realized is I think I might still have feelings for the kid. You see, my boyfriend and I didn't have the best relationship... There were problems with another boy who had feelings for me who became violent and began to literally control the relationship between my boyfriend and I.. the boy that was turning violent told me all these things I had to do or else he would hurt me or my boyfriend.. so I did them... His tactic was that the worse he made me act the less my boyfriend would want to be with me and the other one could have me...so I did what he would tell me to do... anything just so he wouldn't hurt me or my boyfriend... But he always ended up hitting or doing other things to me as a result of his frustration that my boyfriend hadn't left me yet... this went on until 3 months ago when my boyfriend couldn't take it anymore and broke up with me... After my boyfriend broke up with me I was in a bad state... I knew I carried out this situation wrong.. and I felt horrible. The other guy evidently got what he wanted... but somehow still wasn't happy.. and soon after he died.. On top of that, my ex doesn't know the whole story or why I acted the way I did.I feel like there's so many unresolved issues with this whole relationship. Especially because I think I have some sort of feelings toward my ex boyfriend... I don't know how to go about this at all, I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't really know what I am asking, except for.. to just please just from reading this if you have any advice I would be more than happy to know about it.Feed back much appreciated.Thanks.
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male
reader, maverick  +, writes (7 February 2008):
Hey there,
I'm not sure why he would respond like that. It could be that he has been hurt by the chain of events and wants to distance himself from the hurt.
It is very unpleasant to respond in that way.
I have to admit when I was 15 I was very stroppy and hurtful at the end of some relationships - and I realise now I did so to retaliate on my ex-girlfriends, to try to make them feel as bad as I did. It only pushed them further away and that was it.
You should be very proud of yourself though. You took action to reconcile and make up for what has happened. You spoke to him and explained. You have been honest and open. Very difficult things to do for many people, but you did it. By saying what happened you should hopefully ease some of burden - its out there now so you let it go. You are now in a position to move forward in any direction you like.
As for the guy, it sounds like he is stuck at this point and doesn't want to move - as I was. And that will be a problem for him. If he wants to be angry more than being in contact with you then that will be his choice. A lack of understanding or caring on his part is not going to help your situation, let a lone rebuild a relationship.
I can only guess how you feel now, and let you know I sympathize. You have options available to you at the moment.
- You could try to reconcile again, or
- You can start to move on,
Given how he has reacted you might want to think carefully. Either of the can be painful.
Please let us all know how you get on or post a response. Look after yourself.
A
female
reader, lah mouw +, writes (7 February 2008):
lah mouw is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi guys... so far it's not going well at all. i still feel horrible with this burden, I told him about it, he was listless. I told him what happened and he said "oh, well I have to go study now. thanks" so.. I'm not sure, I still feel heavy with burden... I need more help.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 January 2008):
 There are unresolved issues. Get in out in the open with him to discuss what had happened. Being controlled like this and made to act in a way that is against your beliefs is wrong. It should not be something that is condoned or put up with.
Between you and your boyfriend, you should have told the guy to get lost when this began happining. If he didn't the authorities should have been notified and ordered him to have no contact with you or your boyfriend.
I'd be open and honest about everything. You can't resolve issues if only part of the story is talked about, and part hidden. You went through hell with this person, now it's time to rebuild.
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A
male
reader, maverick +, writes (20 January 2008):
Hey there,
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. This sounds like a horrible weight to carry over you.
I think in this instance, you should talk to friends, family and yes your ex-boyfriend as well. You sound like you've been through a lot of misery and you're in a lot pain now - at least by speaking out about what happened at the very least it can be a burden off your mind.
Be honest with him, and just say What, Where, Who, and the Why. You may not be able to make up te relationship but this can be you oppourtunity to clear your head, and then pick a direction for the future.
Please take care.
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