A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend lies to me. we've been dating for a bit more than four years he lied once in the first 4-5 months of our rship. he went to a friends cabin for the summer and he spent the time there hanging out with his ex-gf. he lied to me about the fact that she was there. i found out from someone else.i confronted him, said i needed him to be honest, and he said he would be.then he lied about spending time with a girl friend of his. he said he was going to "a friends" but he never told me who it was. he spent a week hanging around with her behind my back.he said it was an innocent relationship and that he wasnt cheating or anything. i, again, told him that i just needed him to be honest.this pattern has happened a few times.its caused LOTS of big big fights, where we are both crying and desperate. everytime, he tells me that its the last time.anyway so for the last year or so he hadnt really lied. but we still had fights about it since i still felt like i couldnt trust him. so we'd have lots of talks. i repeatedly told him to be honest, that honesty was alli wanted from him. i hated that he didnt feel like he could be honest with me.i asked him a MILLION times "is there anything else you have been hidin that you want to come clean about" and he said no, he's honest now, he's grown up and changed and that he loves me.but tonight he confessed to another lie that he has been keeping from me. something that he did last summer (over 6 months ago) and has been lying to me about ever since. he lied about watching porn. let me make one thing clear- it's not the fact that he was watching porn that bothered me, it was the fact that he kept lying about it. i asked him because i had my suspicions, if he was watching porn. he said no. i even tried again a few weeks later, i said "if you ever want to explore porn, you can tell me. i won't judge you. it's the kind of thing i think we should do together. i don't mind you watching porn, but i wouldn't want you to feel that you had to sneak round my back to watch it." he said "sure, fine, if i ever want to look at porn, we'll do it together, but i dont ever look at it."i've had a sneaking feeling that he's been lying on this topic for a while but every time i ask him, he assures me that he is honest and that i have nothing to worry about. i have asked him straight out- "do you watch porn?" a few times, he always says no.sooooo tonight we had a big fight and he confessed to it. i was very angry. not about the porn, but about the lying. he lied to my face for MONTHS. after i have made it clear that i need honesty. i actually slapped him when he told me. he got very sad and apologetic and cried and said sorry for lying and that he'd never do it again and that keeping this secret has been eating him alive and "please dont dump me" and all that. i yelled at him for a while, called him disgusting and a liar and told him how much he hurt me and how amazed i was that he had been lying to my face all this time and at the same time trying to convince me that hes not a liar.i am very torn now. after i calmed down i told him that i loved him and i said sorry for slapping him and calling him disgusting, and that i didnt hate him, etc. I said i wasnt going to dump him, and I thanked him for finally being honest with me. he was grateful for yet another chance to redeem himself.but what do i do now? i mean, he lies to me so much about the stupidest things. things that i wouldnt even get mad about if he was just honest in the first place. i dont know why he lied about the porn. i hate being lied to. it makes everything stressful. i feel like i'll never be able to trust him. i just want honesty from him and he doesnt seem willing to open himself up even when i try to facilitate discussion. i tried on the porn thing to make a comfortable, nonjudgemental environment for him to open up to me about it. i even took him to a sex shop. but he still lied about it.i asked him why he lied and he couldnt come up with any good reason at all. he said he didnt know.why did he lie?can i trust him?how do i know hes not hiding more from me?will he continue to lie all the time or is this finally it?i'm fed up of the emotional rollercoaster. i love him to death but all the lies are too much for me. i'm not ready to call it quits yet but i'd like some advice and feedback on my situation. it's very emotionally draining trying to deal with someone who deceives you on a semi-regular basis; once or twice a year- for no good reason.thanks.
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his ex, liar, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): Lying is a control issue. People might think it has to do with protecting someone's feelings, but the only one being protected is the liar. It only gets worse so let him go. You'll get your sanity back when you do.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 January 2008):
 A person does not tell the truth because he does not want to hurt you or is afraid of being hurt.
He is a compulsive liar.It is a kind of addiction where he cannot tell the truth or he was brought up in that kind of environment .
Issues like ex and porn are sensitive as he knows how you would react if he tells you the truth.
If you want him to tell the truth , you would have to encourage him and not take any actions that is negative. You would have to accept what he said without being judgmental.
You should close one eye about the ex or porn. As long as he knows how to behave and is not doing anything which is wrong ,just leave him to handle it .You need to have trust and confidence in him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): Jeez.. you know there are a lot of better guys out there. If one can not be honest he will never because it's the thought process in his head, maybe he thinks he's protecting you from his bad doings and don't want to hurt you. My ex was like that, he thinks by not telling the truth to hurt me is the nearest thing to doing right. Like you, all I wanted was honesty because mistakes can be corrected and forgiven and if one can not correct his own mistakes then how can he see he's done wrong? Trust me, you are better off being single than to have a blood sucking relationship before it turns nasty. otherwise, eventually you will feel angry towards yourself for forgiving him all this time and he can't give you what every relationship needs and that is honesty. I don't think he will ever be honest with you or with anyone else, the time you been together has already proved it don't you think?
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (20 January 2008):
 I am surprised that you guys have been together this long.
If you find this relationship is emotionally draining, then get out and find some one who you can trust. This re;ationship is built on lies and deceit, he lies abot his exes, he lies about watching porn, he will continue to treat you like a sucker if you let him. He knows fully well that he can b*llsh*t and that you are gonna take it. For goodness sake don't even waste your breathe giving him the third degree.
Kick him to the kerb. Dusky xxx
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