A
female
age
41-50,
*ush2010
writes:I'm still heart broken, after 4 months. I was seeing my ex boyfriend for 1 year, even though it was a long distance relationship , he lived an hour and half away by train. I was very much in love with him. He last came to visit me for a week in late july, everything seemed fine during that time , he did seem a bit different , not as sweet or affectionate as usual . Although he said he wanted to keep seeing me when I tried to talk to him about it. As soon as he left and got home after visiting me , I never heard another word from him again. Not an email, no text , no phonecall. I never did anything to deserve this at all.. And it makes me so mad when I think about it. It hurts to much and its beginning to draw me into depression. He never replied to my texts , emails, phonecalls.. He simply igmored them all and I never got any explanations.. Not even to say it was over and he didn't want to see me again. I cant deal with this pain to this day... He blocked me from seeing his photos on facebook and he just updated his status to 'in a relationship' and I really can't stop wondering how he's managed to move into another relationship in just 4 months. I guess it does happen, but I'm still trying to get over his disappearance. How can he not have thought about me in the last 4 months since we were together a year? And why .. I never got any closure. Sometimes I think I should go to his city and look for him, even if I did find him I don't know what this would achieve...
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (17 January 2011):
 hi
this sounds very similar to an experience i had a few years ago, it took me months to get over as i kept pondering about it, i never gave him the satisfaction of even chasing him up to ask him why though, i just decided that if he was that much of a shite to do this then he would be enough of a shite not not give me an honest answer.
i know it feels absolutely horrible for you now, i just wanted to crawl into my bed and never leave it again. every morning when i woke, his face would be the first thought in my head. really the only thing you can do is just get on with your life, seriously, just keep going, don't get frustrated with yourself that its taking you longer than you want to get over him. just know that you WILL get over him, and when you do, see it as an achievement. it makes you stronger. at least he is not local so you are not gonna risk running into him while you're out and stuff. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop looking at his facebook! you are not gonna get over him by keeping tabs on what he is doing and with whom. you are only torturing yourself. i see it as being like not letting a wound heal because you keep picking at the scab.
every day will get better, in such a subtle way that you won't even realise it, until one day you catch yourself thinking 'hey, i've not thought about him today'
take care xx
A
female
reader, lush2010 +, writes (6 January 2011):
lush2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionX0nadya0x , I know exactly what you're going through and I'm still dealing with it everyday. I can honestly say the pain is less now, but I'm still dealing with the dissapearance which I found cruel and extremely hurtful. I have a mixture of anger and at first I was deeply hurt... But now I am beginning to feel relief. that he is no longer around if he doesn't want to be... I sent you a private message , we can chat for sure . Get in touch and Take care of yourself , x
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A
female
reader, x0nadya0x +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Hi
This is happening to me right now too.
I knew him for 5 years, and we were on and off for that entire time.
Now he has just disappeared. It's heartbreaking. But I am not going to get closure from him, I have to find it myself and find the strength to move on - really hope I can. Maybe we can talk if you're still hurting from this, I know I could use the support. xxx
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A
female
reader, lush2010 +, writes (11 December 2010):
lush2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dear Jilly, I really appreciate your time and advice ... I'm very touched
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A
female
reader, MsVick  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 I am sorry to hear this. I went through something like it recently myself. It sounds like he found himself someone else and just didn't have the balls to tell you like he should have. I know how it hurts, all the unanswered questions that you have and the depression that follows.
Just know this, it wasn't your fault, he most likely has some issues, like Borderline Personality Disorder (as was the case with the guy I was involved with0 Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move on. One day all of this will be behind you and life will be good again.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is the cruellest of actions for anyone to take, even IF they had only dated 2-3 times, it is inexcusable in every way, and shows the extent of the man's dysfunctional and cowardly behaviour, not a slant on you.
How do I know, because it happened to me after 18 months of a relationship with a man, who like you, it was a LDR, not that far apart, by about 75 minutes by car. So I understand totally how this knocked you, left you with a feeling of incompleteness, questioning yourself, going through every second of every minute looking for signs that could have told you this was coming, or he was a man that could do this.
The truth is, men who act like this after being with someone for so long, demonstrate an inability to connect, and inability to think about how their actions will cause a terrible, deep emotional pain for the person they leave without a word. But I'm afraid, the ONLY thought they have is for 'themselves' they didn't and never wanted a proper grown up relationship, and certainly have no need or desire to be on the receiving end of anyone showing ' EMOTION'as emotion is something they completely lack, unless to achieve something purely for their own pleasure.
Although I'm relationship consultant, and a counsellor, I am human, and fell in love. I actually wrote a whole chapter on this behaviour in my book ' Mr Spock ( who lacked all emotion) Namely; Mr Emotionally Unavavailable.
Try to understand, that it is nothing that you have done, well not in a bad sense. Quite often men, as it tends to be more men than women, have the ability to shut down emotionally and just RUN! You probably did reach him emotionally, probably got under his skin, and more than very possibly, he may have felt he was losing some control in his life - whereas he may become the chosen instead of the chooser, meaning falling for you, would mean you would have power over him. And eventually he would be like a puppy dog with a master ( in the nicest sense)
So they RUN, no explanation, no mess, no existence of that relationship. They just start again where NO one has any control emotionally over them.
Please don't let this make you feel bitter or insecure, or afraid of getting involved again. Never let anyone else's emotional baggage become yours. The only way to move forward is to accept this has happened, but take from it, SOME positives, that you did actually experience, no matter how fleetingly being in-love, that makes for a richer life.
It is you who has grown, even though you might not see or feel it now. Probably NOT much of a compensation, only in time you will heal, just take each day as it comes, some you will be really down, others you will feel a bit better. If it does really, really haunt you though, I would suggest perhaps seeing your GP and explaining, as they would see this as some kind of bereavement, and I'm sure would offer some one-to-one counselling to help you WORK through this very painful situation. It's NOT being able to have closure that does it, I know. And having to GUESS some weeks down the line when someone doesn't appear again, is NOT proper closure, as all that time you would have felt attached to this man.
I hope this has helped you even a little bit, knowing you are not alone in this, and that you could seek some help if you feel that would free you from this pain sooner.
Take care,
Jilly x
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (28 November 2010):
 He's a coward and couldn't tell you face to face. I suspect he was already seeing someone else on his last visit. But didn't have the "guts" to tell you.
I am sorry for your pain and confusion, but now, it's time to just face the facts. He has shut you out, and is in another relationship. You didn't do anything wrong, he found someone else.
If I were you, I would just chalk it up to experience, and move on. Close this chapter of your life.
Hunting him down will not solve anything. His lack of communication with you has said volumes...It is over!
Going there would only hurt you more and would not really give you closure...just more pain.
Sometimes we just don't get the opportunity of closure in life.
Good Luck!
~BG~
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A
female
reader, Miss.Me +, writes (28 November 2010):
 What a piece of turd this guy! You dont deserve this at all so just set your mind on moving on and never giving this guy a second thought. Delete him from your Facebook. He blocked you, so what? YOU delete him.
I know it's hard when a guy does this disappearing thing, believe me I experienced it. So think about this positively: you are no longer in risk of him hurting you again. Its good that you saw his true colors when you did. Dont go into his city, dont even write/call again. Dont let a guy affect your life. He didnt care about you, so dont you give a care about him either!
Once you keep saying something long enough you start to believe it. Because I know you're going through a hard time right now, keep telling yourself "I dont need him; everything happens for a reason; I'm glad he's gone; he's the one who lost something great (not me)."
A normal, good, caring guy would not do something like this, so you've not lost anything by losing him.
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