A
female
age
36-40,
*smellsnow
writes:It's a long story, so i'll try my best to cut it down for you! (Thank you for reading!)I was in a relationship for 9 years (since i was 16) with someone i thought was my soulmate. I admit, it was on and off for the most part as he cheated on me, and constantly decided we shouldn't be together, i stuck with it because i thought it would all work out . Turns out, he finally feels how i want him to, but i've been walked over that much, that i am completely done. I've walked away. I feel awful for breaking his heart. Anyway, fast forward to the weekend just gone. I met a lad a few years ago when we were on a break. He was very nice, and we had a good time, but we both didn't want anything big. (before i forget, i'm 26 and he's 21) So we left it, but still see each other out and about, and text occasionally. Anyway, i found out a few weeks ago that he was moving away (to the other end of the country) on a contract. So we started texting, he was going to settle in, and coming back for one weekend before christmas. Sorry, it's so long! Anyway, he came up for the weekend, and asked me if he could see me both days, we arranged to see each other on the friday night, and then we were both going out into town with friends, but meeting up later on. When we were texting and things, he text me first a lot of the time, it was extremely flirty, kept telling me that he was looking forward to seeing me etc. Anyway, he came friday night, and we were watching a film, and my ex turned up, barged in and kicked him out, told him this sob story that he's in love with me and i shouldn't be moving on. etc, etc. The lad wouldn't speak to me, and then i've found out, that he had seen me instead of his friends on the friday, i've since spoken to him, and he says i hope i understand, but he doesn't want to get involved in it. I can totally understand it, and i'll respect his decision, at 21 i couldn't have put up with that. But, and here comes the but, I miss him. I miss talking to him, we've got so much in common, i miss seeing him. I can't explain it, and it may sound silly, but no matter how long goes in between us seeing each other, there's still an intensity between us, but it's so easy with him. I kind of think he feels something for me, Problem is, i'm not going to see him until Christmas, what do i do? I need advice on how to approach, i want to respect his decision, but i do think we could have something. Any advice? (I really am sorry for how long it is)
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a break, cheated on me, christmas, flirt, my ex, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ismellsnow +, writes (9 March 2011):
ismellsnow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! Thank you for all your advice you gave me months back! I forgot to update the situation! MY ex is totally out of the picture now, i no longer let him in my home. He still sees our Daughter though, which is all good. And the other lad, well i saw him over Christmas/New Years, but it didn't really amount to much.....BUT....over the last 6 weeks, he's been texting a lot, he's told me he likes me but we don't see each other enough. Last time he was up, two weeks ago, he stayed over and we went for a walk the day after which was nice. We have plans for when he's up next, and he's booked and paid for me to go and visit at the beginning of April so i think it is a pretty positive sign??????? Hope everyone is well! :)
A
female
reader, ismellsnow +, writes (19 November 2010):
ismellsnow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey all!
Ok update! Kind of got a bit of confidence back. I know the new guy liked me, he text me 30 times a day, on his only weekend up wanted to spend most of it with me. So...i'm thinking of making a grand gesture, and going to visit him. He lives 4 hours drive away at the moment. And i was thinking of going down and surprising him....what do you guys think?
xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): There's nothing wrong a with a casual how are you text. A text would perhaps keep you in his mind a bit. You could do both really.
With your ex out of the way, you can pretty much approach this any way you like. I think a casual text is not a bad idea as it keeps the contact going. That way if you want to invite him somewhere over xmas it won't seem so out of the blue.
Just remember though, now that the situation with your ex is done and dusted if this new guy doesn't understand or is still a bit cautious, keep trying let him see for himself that it's not a problem if he's not willing after that then don't waste time too much with him.
Good luck I hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, ismellsnow +, writes (17 November 2010):
ismellsnow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey...again!
I've had 'the' talk with my ex, and as far as i'm concerned his mum or dad can come and collect our daughter for the forseeable for him. And i don't want him near my home. I know he's put the log on my computer, i've found it and uninstalled it! Believe me i was shocked as my passwords are already as you suggested ;)
Just need advice now on getting my other dude back. Do i leave him to cool off for a week or so and send a casual text, or just leave it and knock him dead at christmas when he sees me!? xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Okay the guys a seriously messed up creep, what's worse is he probably asks your daughter these kind of details too.
You need to get someone to remove whatever he put on your laptop, for now I'd just change your password and make your security question an alpha numerical password too. Do this with everything. Make every password for all your online profiles different make them 12 random characters too, with at least one uppercase, one symbol, numbers and letters. Example: l7&bT5MhIk/9 I use something similar all you have to do is change the final number to make the password different in each profile. I have a feeling he's full of shit and didn't put a key logger on your laptop. He probably only said that so you wouldn't change your passwords or security question.
He probably just guessed seeing as he knows you so well.
The guy is horribly obsessed with you. You have to take extra measures to protect yourself and make sure that other friend of his who's spying on you keeps his nose out of your business.
You need to have a serious and frank discussion with your ex about this. He can't keep having this effect on your life. I'd actually threaten him with legal action if he doesn't quit it.
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A
female
reader, ismellsnow +, writes (17 November 2010):
ismellsnow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Cerberus!
It's i smell snow, lol! It's from a tv programme! :) My ex actually lives in a totally different town, i only see him/speak to him when he picks the little one up. We don't talk or email, etc. I know it sounds really dodgy.
I think because he never knows whats going on in my life because i never tell, he's obviously thinking there is still hope because he's not heard of me being with anyone else, even though i've made it perfectly clear.
The problem is...he's heard from one of his friends that lives near where i do, that i'd been seen talking to a man in town (which wasn't this lad) and he's been told and it's obviously upset him.
So fast forward, two weeks ago, he came round to babysit for me, as my grandad is seriously ill, and he's put this log thing on my laptop, which records everything i do. So he's been in my email and seen my emails to this new lad. So when he came on friday, he's realised i've been having this lad round, he's took our daughter and came back at half ten at night, i had to open the door because he had my daughter out at that time, which is beyond disgusting, but then barged past me and ran after the lad. It's so stressful, i don't do arguements and stress, i just want to be happy and enjoy myself! xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): That may be the case I smell snow or is it I smells now? :) The fact is he still has too much control over your life. If you've been over him 18 months then how did he barge in? How did he know you were with another guy? Regardless of what you feel for him he's continuing to try and prevent you moving on. But it's not just his fault OP.
You're letting him do that.
No matter how you see your relationship with him guys aren't going to care because what happens is the opposite of what you say. If you're truly over him then why are you letting him interfere that way?
You might aswell still be together because he's not letting go and he's not letting you move on. He's going to keep doing this crap.
Seriously unless you can get him to stop this by taking more control of this then you're screwed. 18 months and he's still trying to destroy any potential relationships.
You say you're trying to be civil, is it civil for him to that to you? No it's not. He doesn't deserve civility in the way you have at the moment. You need to cut all contact other than that of your child off. I bet you still talk to him regularly about other things, I bet you still tell him what you're doing and where you're going. I bet you're still friends with this guy.
That's not going to work if you actually want to start a relationship with someone else.
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A
female
reader, ismellsnow +, writes (17 November 2010):
ismellsnow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, Thank you all for your advice, i've already wrote this but i don't know if it went through properly, so i'll just update it again,
Me and my ex haven't been together for 18 months, it was on and off when we were younger, but once we had our little girl we were stable, the last time we split up, i made a decision that there would be no going back, one because my feelings had changed and two because our little one deserves stability. The lad knows nothing about our old relationship, all he knows is we have been apart for a longish time, and we have a little one. He said he feels sorry for my ex because when he chased after him, he told him to back off because he still really loves me and wants to be a family. I want to be civil, but i don't want to be with him at all again. I want to be happy, and for the first time in years, i felt like i was getting there.
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A
female
reader, ismellsnow +, writes (17 November 2010):
ismellsnow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey!
Thank you for your reply! I agree totally about the on again off again situation, but me an my ex haven't been together again for 18 months. The on and off situation, was when we were younger, and the new lad, knows absolutely nothing about our relationship. All the lad knows is that i have an ex who i have a child with, and now he knows that my ex still loves me, but he knows, i'm not a cheater, and i wouldn't do anything with anyone unless i felt something for them. I am completely over my ex. I respect him as a father but that is as far and as far as it will ever go again. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): I didn't see your reply before I made my post. I'm afraid this guy is gone. You're linked to that ex for the rest of your life, there is no way he'll want to get involved with that after witnessing your ex's pathetic display of territorial pissing.
Your ex has almost complete access to your love life through your child, he'll know who and when you're seeing someone and he'll constantly interfere unless you get that sorted with him. The fact you've been on and off for so long is also a big red flag for any potential suitor because it means you were never able to completely cut him off emotionally or physically from you. That's too much, unfortunately for you he will always be there, but you have to come to an arrangement where he's no longer a part of your life other than to discuss issues related to your child, if you can't do that then you're going to find it very hard to find anyone comfortable with you still being emotionally attached to him and you know from experience he's not going to let you move on.
You can't help but see him when he comes to collect the child, during xmas and birthdays but you have to completely cut all other forms contact with him. No "how are you" texts no personal interaction at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Let me ask you first what are you going to do about your ex?
As the other lads said you're not going to have a chance with anyone else if you have that soppy piece of shit ruining it for you every time you try to move on.
You have to sort the situation with your ex out first, there's no point in even thinking about this other guy unless you can approach him and say for certain that your ex is gone for good. If you're even still in contact with your ex he won't want anything to do with you.
Seriously people will do crazy shit when they're in love, it's just not worth the hassle, I had an ex of a female friend of mine attack me with pint glass for telling him his taxi had arrived after he barged in drunk and saw us doing nothing but drinking together. She has a long term on/off thing with him too, since that day any time they get back together I stay away until they break up again.
I needed 3 stitches on my hand after that night, nothing compared to his broken jaw, nose and missing teeth. My point is unless you can guarantee that you're ex is gone and gone for good then he won't want anything to do with you. It's too risky to get involved in someones messy relationship with an ex, because you're just going to get hurt if not physically then emotionally.
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A
female
reader, ismellsnow +, writes (17 November 2010):
ismellsnow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, Thank you for replying so quickly, and for your advice! It's not that simple, i do have a daughter with my ex, so i have to try and keep it amicable. The new man knows that i have a daughter, and that doesn't bother him, it is purely my ex's reaction. I've spoke to him on facebook, and said sorry, he said it's ok, but he doesn't want to get involved, and he feels sorry for my ex because he still loves me. I know this lad feels something for me, because i know how close he is with his friends, and he came to see me instead. I just don't know how to win him back, do i leave things to cool off for a few weeks and then send him a casual text and try and start again kinda thing? Also, i've even thought about having a weekend away down where he is now and seeing if he'll meet me but i think that's a bit too full on. xxx
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 Christmas really ain't that far away and if the intensity of your chemistry is as strong as you say, I wouldn't worry too much. But you need to put your ex in his place and tell him to back off and move on.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 November 2010):
More than anything else it's ESSENTIAL that you keep your ex away. Any guy faced with a girl's ex barging in would probably run a mile. So, make sure that ex is well and truly out of your life. And he doesn't feel the way you want him to. He's just being controlling.
I would suggest that you write him a letter (if you know his address), or write him an e-mail explaining EXACTLY what happened and that this is your ex's problem, and that you are sorry it happened and would like to talk. Hopefully, he'll understand that your ex is the problem, and not you. All you can do is write a letter and try to explain it.
But, essentially, keep your ex away. And if he tries some stunt like this again, get a court order to keep him away.
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