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*sr77
writes: Hi,I've never posted to something like this, but I find myself at a loss. I have been in a relationship for the last 3 years with a woman I love very much. For the first 2 years, things were quite good. About 6 months ago, we broke up...it was on her terms, however I had sensed tension and things going down hill for a couple months. We both were under much stress from our jobs and grad school, and it got to a point we weren't enjoying being with each other anymore. About 2 months past, and we ran into each other one night. She missed me dearly, as I did her, and realized that circumstances had damaged our relationship. After discussing everything, we slowly began to see each other again. We had both dated other people in those 2 months. I was honest with her about what I had done during the time apart, as I thought she was with me. I knew she had been spending time with someone new (a date..more of a friendship), however she quickly told him that she had decided to see me again, and just wanted to be friends. He seemed fine with being friends with her...which continued for the next few months.Then, about 3 weeks ago, she told me that she had made plans to visit Ireland with this friend and another friend of his...the plans had been made when we were not together. I was not entirely comfortable with this situation any longer. I told her how I felt, and she explained that they were just friends. I had never had the opportunity to meet with this "friend"...our schedules conflicted and he had been out of the country for the last month. I knew that this "friend" had some feelings for her, however we discussed this and she assured me that she didn't have feelings for him, and that she loved me. She really wanted to visit Ireland, and had made the plans earlier.I was upset because she had not told me about the plans to go...and she agreed it was wrong of her not to tell me upfront, but said she wasn't sure how things were going to turn out with us at first. So, she went to Ireland for 4 days...promising me that she would not drink too much, that nothing would happen, and that there wouldn't be any future "surprises" of plans like these. Things were great before she left...telling me she loved me and would miss me.Well, she got back 2 days ago, and last night broke down and told me she had cheated on me with this "friend" while in Ireland. Somehow, I wasn't surprised...she cried and cried...Saying she didn't intend for it to happen, and regret that anything happened. Apparently, after they had been drinking too much, this "friend" made moves on her...and she told him she couldn't do that to me...yet he persisted further...and it lead to her cheating on me.I also found out that she had not been totally honest about what had happened while we were split up...her and this "friend" had slept together then. So, she lied to me about that. I listened to her sob and break down...regretting what she had done. I tried to keep my cool, but it was a bit hard.I left her at her house...sobbing...her knowing that she may never see or speak to me again. This has been eating at me...I am angry at her for what she has done...because things were great up until this point, and she agreed. She told me she doesn't want this guy, and can't believe how she has let me, herself, and her family down. I am also angry with this "friend", as he knows about me...knows she was in love with me...knows that she just wanted to be friends. To make matters even more complicated, although I've never met this man, we work for the same company. I feel a need to confront him...I'm not exactly sure what to do. I hold both of them responsible for ruining what my girlfriend and I had going.I'm really not sure how to handle this...I think she was sincere in regretting what she has done, but it can't be undone. I'm honestly not sure if she will attempt to save any of our relationship...I don't plan on talking to her or seeing her..unless she attempts to make a mends for this mess she has created. I could really use some advice and feedback...I do love her, but I don't know if this can be fixed.Thank you for reading this...please respond...
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reader, msr77 +, writes (14 February 2007):
msr77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, I've decided to update this situation since it has been a couple months since this happened. I made the decision to talk to my her, and we decided to get back together. After talking to her, she didn't want me to leave. This was at the beginning of Dec. We had great times together...spent a great holiday together...and even took a vacation to NYC for New Years. Surprisingly, I was able to look past the incident after we talked and started doing things together again. It seemed that things really could work out after this mess.Then the second week of Jan, something happened. She went out with all of her friends for a birthday get together. I knew all the people, even worked with some, but when I asked if I could go, she told me it may not be a good idea, because this other guy had also been invited. She said she didn't want to cause trouble at this friend's birthday by having me and this other guy in the same place. I sort of understood, but didn't like the situation...but figured I had to try to trust her.She didn't call the next day..and I sensed that maybe something had happened. I didn't say anything though, just called her and all seemed fine. We went out that night, she stayed with me, and all seemed ok...but i still sensed something wasn't right. So, we spent time together all week, and when friday night came around... I asked what she wanted to do. Her response was strange..."i'm not sure...why don't you just go out with your friends tonight and have fun...we'll do something tomorrow night". yeah, that raised a flag.So, I went out with my friends. When the bars closed...I figured I'd go crash at her place. She wasn't home...and didn't come home. At about 3 am...I figured I knew where she was...and I was right. Her car was parked outside this other guys apartment. She wouldn't answer her phone...even though I called maybe 20 times. So, this is how it ended...she got home the next day around noon. She didn't say a word...just looked at me. I got my stuff...called her a whore...and proceeded to leave. She just started crying...and saying how she hated herself and who she was....and she was going to tell me, but didn't know how...and that she didn't mean for any of it to happen..she was so sorry..blah...blah...blah. This time, i didn't believe a damn word of it. I left her crying and sobbing, and proceeded directly to her parents house. Her parents really liked me...I wanted to say goodbye in person, and I wanted them to hear the story directly from me. They were pretty embarrassed, and sad that I wouldn't be around anymore. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, but I feel it was...she probably would have lied to them about the situation, and I felt better saying goodbye and explaining why I had to leave.I've been pretty sad about the whole thing. I haven't heard from her since the day I walked out of her house...about a month ago. I really don't think she is sorry for treating another human being so badly...not to mention the person that has been her best friend for the past 3 years. Its just ridiculous. I wanted to update this, to give others that maybe faced with similar situations a heads up...that honestly, once someone cheats and breaks your trust...it seems that much easier for them to do it again. Its amazing at how awful we can treat each other. Why cause someone so much pain? What are people thinking? Thank you for all your advice, and for taking time to read this. I'd like to hear feedback...just to see what people think about this whole thing.
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (13 December 2006):
 She cheated in Ireland....but sleeping with or not sleeping with someone while you broke up was not your business...UNTIL...she slept with them while you were together. She did lie....but, a gentleman never tells....nor does a gentlewoman. Now instead of playing it cool...KNOWING she could get away with the fling thing in Ireland.....She told you. (and now the information of what she did while you were apart is pertinent...so she felt it appropriate to share it)
Now there are two ways to look at her confession
She did it to ease her own guilt...which happens and is the number one way to get caught.
Or....she realised that this other guy Means nothing to her....for the second time...(she just needed a little refresher course and got that in Ireland) And you mean everything...so much in fact that She will only now be with you IN TRUST...and so she told you....even though it was the last thing she wanted to do. She lay her neck before you...hoping you love her enough to not slice it....but willing to accept the pain if you wish to inflict it.
Now...for you.
Confronting the other guy is like sword fighting the wind. Why should you think He is going to respect the sanctity of your relationship. ALLLLLLLLLLL is fair in love and war......really listen to that statement. He has no interest in protecting YOUR rights. He is the enemy....but it is a waste of time and a macho stunt to go confront him. (unless your a really scary guy with a couple degrees in psychology...who knows a lot about being able to convince people that you will do anything necessary to keep them out of your business...you trusted him once and it will never happen again..blah blah....but if your a regular guy who wants to just slug him and yell at him....its a waste of time)
Now in her mind....you are gone. She is giving you time. Perhaps hoping...perhaps being comforted by Mr Travelocity.. You should go to her if you want....or not.
Next move is pretty much yours.
And there is every possibility that He was Her break up excuse. You must face that as a possibility also....though if she's so distraught that all she could manage was "im sorry" that is hopefully not the case.
Anyway....take the time to think about what you want...but don't take to much time.
If you love her....you already know what you want....you are just afraid of the mountain it will take to climb out of this.
If you don't love her.....why bother.
Oh and next time you girl decides to whisk away with a friend....go with her.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (28 November 2006):
 I have been there but for me the shoe was on the other foot. Talk to her but do more listening than talking and get some directive not for her but for you. This will let you know where her heart really is.
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reader, msr77 +, writes (28 November 2006):
msr77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses. I am still digesting all of this. It is really difficult. I have not heard from her since I left her house the other night. I'm not sure what is going to happen. You brought up a good point about being condemned for making mistakes. I would not want to be condemned. The thing is, if you know the consequences of your actions, then you have to be willing to face those consequences. I don't know...I think what happens will depend on her actions. If she is willing to open her heart and attempt to save anything from this...maybe I would do the same. She did tell me what happened...had she not I would not have known...is that a start? I need more than sobbing "i'm sorry". Should I have to tell her this? It should come from within her...otherwise any effort of mine is wasted. I'm not sure what to do...what a mess...
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reader, guylostinlove +, writes (27 November 2006):
I'm going to play the cynical response ...
First off, she promised you that she wouldn't drink too much and she didn't. I've been drunk or near drunk many times and I'm usually very coherent of what's happening. True that it lets down some guards. But, every time I hear people using the alcohol as an excuse for why they did something ... especially infidelity, I find it pure bull.
Honestly, I think it'll be hard for you to forget this incident. Human nature is to be distrustful? So, you'll probably bat an eye every time she tells you that she's going out ...
Though, you might love her enough that you could forgive the incident this time ...
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reader, Lostandalone +, writes (27 November 2006):
Whoa!!! That is definitely a hard pill to swallow. The cheating, from my point of view, is the least of your concerns. Its the lying that I am more concerned about. Whatever happened while you two were apart is fair game but for her to just not tell you is omitting the truth and we all know that Omission is Betrayal!!! She came clean at the end but you have to re-evaluate the relationship. Was she actually ready to be back in a relationship??? Was she rushed into into it??? Try to look past your anger and see things from her perspective. You two definitely need time apart because at this point all you will do is fight and be angry. To be pissed at him is pointless. Yes, he knew about you and yes it was wrong but he can only do what she allowed him to and she put herself in a compromising position. He is simply an opportunist. Trust me, me being a man, I would want to kick his ass too!!! Be rational it won't undo whats been done and you won't feel better because the stigma will still be there. Take time apart. Think to yourself is it worth it, can you get past it and is she worth your effort. Everyone makes mistakes and would you want to be condemned for yours. You will never forget but you can forgive and over time the pain will lessen for the both of you, that is if you both are willing to work at it. Search your soul and know that forgiving is not just for her but for you, its the act of letting the pain go and moving on. If you don't decide to get back with her don't rush into another relationship but take time to just be. I hope this helps. Good Luck.
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