A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am pregnant and due in less than a week with my first child. The father and i broke up around my third month of pregnancy because he decided he did not want a baby..in fact he said it was solely my fault i got pregnant.. and refused to help support us by quitting his job. He also starting popping painkillers and drinking after i left him..(the way i know is ive seen him do this as he lives a few blocks away and seen him in the neighborhood doing it in public!). I have not spoke with him since the day we broke up but his friends tell me all the time how they are glad i am not with him because of how horrible hes become. Recently, he had came by my house and left a letter saying how he got a job and he wants to be there when the baby is born and how he regrets letting me go through my pregnancy alone. I do not trust him whatsoever and do not think its a good idea for him to be around my daughter even if he is the father. Should i allow him to be there or not? I feel i shouldnt. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Hi
Going by what you've said about him he's not currently in the right condition to become a supportive father.
I'm not from the US so don't know what sort of support is on offer, but perhaps there is an authority you can go to so he can arrange to see your child but be supervised by someone all the time and meet at a neutral meeting place? In the UK people can have social workers help with this sort of arrangement-perhaps you have similar?
But trust your instincts on this one, its going to be hard on your own with a baby but better that then have someone around he could potentially be a danger-even if he doesn't mean to be-if he was drunk/on drugs he could cause harm to either of you.
Let things be on your terms but don't make things complicated. If you don't want him to see the child, tell him straight rather than make promises or arrangements you know you can't stick to.
Good luck hun, I wish you all the best in life with your child x
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (10 November 2010):
"The father and i broke up around my third month of pregnancy because he decided he did not want a baby..in fact he said it was solely my fault i got pregnant.. and refused to help support us by quitting his job.
He also starting popping painkillers and drinking after i left him..(the way i know is ive seen him do this as he lives a few blocks away and seen him in the neighborhood doing it in public!)."
Ok. Read what you just wrote again and imagine its one of your friends telling you this story about her boyfriend.
What would you tell her? I think you have your answer right there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): You shouldn't until you feel comfortable with it and even then it should only be supervised visits.
Personally I think there is a way you can let him see the kid and I seriously think you should. This might not be the most popular suggestion but brief supervised visits might be a good idea. There has to be conditions attached though, one of them being that he can only see them at his parents house or your parents house. Only when he's sober and only during the day.
Look he might not have the best lifestyle and he's definitely not relationship material but people can get out of those things. Look it's up to you decide but he is the father and you will need him to pay his way. It might be easier to get him to do that without court battles and stuff if he has some access. Plus you just never know what he could be like as a father. I've seen some of the roughest toughest assholes of guys turn to mush when they see their babies.
I don't know what his parents are like but if they're good people then they deserve to be at least a small part of their grandchild's life.
Last but not least, to me and many other people there is no greater motivation to improve your own life than having a kid. Who knows he might turn out to be a good dad who gets his life in order. There's very little risk involved in allowing him access only when you're there with his or your parents. If he turns up wasted then you can stop access, if he breaks any of the rules you can do the same.
If you don't allow him access this could get very messy and you could end up spending the first few years of your kids life fighting this guy legally.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 I think you have every right to be concerned. Drug addiction is not something to have around your child. Toddlers are into everything and that includes his stash of pills. I have to keep my prescribed medication on top of the fridge-freezer to stop my son getting hold of them. I don't think you can deny the father access to the baby if the legal powers insist. However, if he still doesn't wish to pay child support then you can pursue that in family court whether he sees the baby or not. If he forces the issue of access, you could ask your legal representative to outline his drug issues in court. You may even have witnesses who can vouch for this. Contact can be arranged by the courts at family centres where parents are supervised by professional social workers or family therapists. This provides a safe environment for the child to bond with a high-risk parent. If you refuse to allow access until the court orders it then it may deter him from 'fatherhood'. By this I mean he would need to find money for legal assistance with his case and he may fear that his drug issues would be used against him. Try not to worry, focus on getting rest in this crucial week of your pregnancy and GOOD LUCK!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): he's burnt a lot of bridges, shown his immature side, and destroyed your trust in him. I do not blame you being wary. He is about to miss out on one of life's greatest experiences, because he messed up. Have you met his mother? The birth of a baby and the initial first bonding with the baby, and the baby with it's maternal and paternal kin, is a life changing, never forgotten, powerful connection, and generously allowing him to see and touch the baby, at the hospital, supervised in the company of you, your mother and his mother (she is the grandmother too) might allow him that powerful memory, and something to reflect on, to keep him on track while he rebuilds his life, without his daughter close by. But alone? No i don't think he's responsible enough yet. If he can hold down the job for the next 3 years, and continue to do so, if he can set up a saving program, instead of using funds left over for his fun, and if he can live a sober life and be respectful to you at all times you could, over the next 3 years, share photos of the baby with him. He should also regularly financially support his child, even though he will be denied contact. This will test his empathy for you, altruism and his level of responsibility. This is to qualify if, in the future, you might be prepared to let him share some supervised time with his daughter.
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female
reader, breath_in +, writes (10 November 2010):
 wow 1st off kudos to you for leaving him and going threw with the pregnancy alone it takes one hell of a person to take in all that responsibility and your right for thinking about the little life inside of you 1st .
i understand if you maybe considering letting him back in .. i mean he is the father he does have a right but in his case i think its going to take a little more then a letter to show that hes changed .hes going to be a dad and stuff like before isn't going to fly theres a child to think about .he needs to show you a little more then that . before you even think about bringing him back into your life and the baby's .
to be honest however i feel you shouldn't you were better off without him and i'm sure your doing fine ..i hope you are and adding him might just add unwanted stress. stress and drama you don't need when raising a your 1st child .
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Well unless you can reproduce asexually then I'm pretty darn certain he played a role in you getting pregnant.
How long has it been almost 9 months then he resurfaces back, claiming to be cured of his drug habit? Now, unless he went thru rehab then I wouldn't be so sure he's changed his tune. So what if he has a job, he quit the previous one, what makes you think he's going to keep this one? If he wants he can leave you money for baby supplies, and maybe I'd think of supervised visits in your household. Until you are 100% convinced he has his act together then I wouldn't allow him in your child's life. With that I'm talking he enrolls in rehab and I'd even go as far to give him random drug tests.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Just because he donated sperm (we know you didn't do it on your own) doesn't make him a father, nor does it make him father material. Based on what you said in your question, I personally wouldn't let him around my daughter until he proves himself. My son's father did the same thing, except partying instead of popping pills, and he passed away last June. My boyfriend is the only man my son has known as his father, and we are so happy that way.
Maybe this is your path so you can meet that special someone that you are meant to be with.
Also, if you feel in your heart and your gut that its not a good idea, then don't do it. Mother's intuition is never wrong.
Your daughter is all that matters (of course you know that :) ) and do whatever it takes to protect her. It took me a while to be ok with putting my son above all else.
In conclusion, if you don't feel like its a good idea, then don't do it. You've gone through your pregnancy by yourself, why does he have the right to come in now?
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