A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had not spoken to my parents or their families for some years. To cut a long story short - I spoke out about being abused as a child by my father and they all took my father's side - my ex husband and his family included??? I was cut out from the family and I moved to another town.My mother has died. Her funeral is next week. I need to be there for closure. I have asked my ex not to go or to take his new family with him. He insists that it is not my place to be there and that they have more right than he has to be there. My ex knows the story of my life and had always said to forgive my father??????? My family told me a few years back that they are disappointed in me for speaking out and leaving it hanging in the air. Nobody believes me!!!The whole village will be turning out to say goodbye to my estranged mum and I shall be the outcast when I have done nothing wrong. My father has taken the place of the 'victim'. I feel scared to witness the truth that my mother is actually dead rather than hearsay when I see her coffin.I feel full of anger/grief/despair. I tucked my child up in bed the other night and then cried myself to sleep remembering when she used to tuck me up in bed when I was a child.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 Well done! There are few things as wonderful as putting something you've been dreading behind you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 Glad you made it and I hope it will give you some sort of closure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thank you all for your replies.
It is all over now. I had a bit of a wobbly on the way there, it was scarier than waiting to give birth! lol
I decided to walk straight to the front and sat with my dad's brother and sister in law. They looked embarrassed but then got over that and chatted with me. I did not see the church fill up as I was at the front. My dad and his sister, brother and another sister in law held him as he collapsed at the front.
The service was lovely and she had a good send off.
I did not look up as I walked out of the church behind the coffin. Outside of the church I saw so many faces I did not remember. I saw my ex husband's girlfriend, her grown up children and their partners who mingled with MY family! My frail old nan came wobbling up to me as fast as she could and my mum's sister pulled her away.
I saw an uncle who welcomed me and invited me to the wake. My son went with his grandpa to the crem. My partner took me to the crem but I remained outside.
I did attend the wake, my ex husband and co sat at the top with MY family and I sat near the exit with an old friend of the family (she had the same situation at her own mother's funeral), one by one family members approached me and I hugged them. My ex father in law and ex sister in law hugged me and talked like we were still family. My son mingled between myself and my partner and his dad and co bless him.
Family members told me my dad wanted me to go to the family table but I refused. He came to my table and tried to make small talk....the whole place fell silent but I just said yes and no in the right places.
I took an aunt's address and my nan and grandad came and said a polite (false) goodbye.I introduced my partner to them and they shook his hand.
My ex and co left - my ex coldly looked me in the eyes and his girlfriend gave me a filthy look. They left and I was summonsed to the family table. I sat with my uncles aunts and cousins and pretended my dad was not there. We all went to my aunt's house, it was odd being there, there were family pics of myself and my children when they were young in frames. My dad was there but I blanked him. My family and cousins hugged me goodbye when I left and we took my son to his dad's house where the wicked stepmum was looking at me behind the curtains..what an evil bitch she is! I don't care how much she hates me, but she had no right to be at my mother's funeral, so what she knew her and I had fallen out with my mum, that was none of her business! I will never ever forgive my ex husband for that day!
So....it is all over now. I am glad I attended the whole day. I am proud of myself for remaining dignified (and sober lol)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): No matter what, i can tell you every one who posted on here believes you 100% and knows your father will get his just deserts. Karma will get your father in the end.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2011):
 OH OP hugs to you
glad you have support in the form of a partner.
I suggest that you look into some bereavement counseling..
to help you get through this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your kind replies.
I have been out all day - bought a new suit and shoes for the funeral and got my hair cut and coloured. That somehow makes me feel good.
My partner of 6 months will be at the funeral to support me. When my ex asked our daughter who is going with me (They live in Wales, I in England and I do not drive) my daughter told them that mummmy's boyfriend is going with me.
He text me and said in a childish manner, you are taking HIM so I am taking HER, we have been split for 9 years and he acts like a lovesick teenager! I told him that she has not place there and he said her place is there with him.
I have done nothing wrong and it breaks my heart that people treat me that way. I will only be going to the service then my partner will drive me back home. I love the village where I live - nobody knows my history and there is nobody from the past here. I felt so at peace with myself this morning walking along the countryside through the Autumn leaves.....
As far as the whole family/friends of the family and my ex's new family are concerned...I broke her heart for letting her die without making MY peace?? I have this anger bubbling up inside me and am scared how it will be released....
There will be nowhere to visit her as she is being cremated.
Poor poor victim 'my so called father'....his wife passed away and his evil daughter didn't care...
Sorry for the rant....going to stop now before I break my keyboard lol
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 October 2011):
If you feel you need to be there, then go. Ignore them all. Do what you have to do - FOR YOU. You have done nothing wrong.
And I agree that you should consider finding a therapist to talk to.
I'm sorry that your family didn't trust, love and believe you like they should.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2011):
I am so sorry for your losses. Yes Losses.
You've lost your mom
You've lost your family
You've lost a chance to say goodbye with mum and heal that.
Your EX is out of line of course you have EVERY right to be there.... and YOU should be there.
Sadly you can't ask your ex to not bring his family but you can stay away from them.
Do you have support that you take with you.
I think that as strongly as you feel, going is your only option...even if you get there just on time, sit in the back quietly, mourn privately (in public) and leave.
This is NOT a show for them it's your time. Do not allow them to engage you. Practice saying "I'm here to respect my mom, please let me mourn privately" that way there is no drama with the others...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): I am sorry but your ex is wrong, it is not about his people, it is about YOUR family and YOUR mother. Do not let anyone keep you from being there if you want or need to be there. If he is there with "his people" ignore them and sit wherever you want. It is your family no matter what happened. I have 4 brothers, all older by 14 yrs or more. I was sexually abused by one of them and when my father passed away, my other brothers actively excluded him from his funeral. Nobody has the right to do that, in my case I was one abused and he was the ubuser, but it's not about that what it is about is that you loved your Mum, and no matter what your Mum loved you and have the right to be there. Be strong and if your ex wants to be a jerk and "his people" there, you go hold your head high and if they say anything to you simply tell them " I am her daughter, and I have a right to be here, you on the other hand don't".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): Have you considered that you may not need to go at all?
I loved my grandmother very deeply, but I was in a psychologically abusive situation with my family when I was growing up and, when I tried to speak out about it, they turned on me, so I left...my grandmother never really understood what was wrong, and she died before I got the chance to speak to her. But I did not go to her funeral because I felt that it was something totally arranged by and for my family, nothing to do with me.
Instead, on the day of the funeral, I went for a long walk by myself and thought about her and all our times together and sent my good wishes and love to her.
I have this kind of childish belief that, once people die, they are able to "see" everything in a way that they couldn't before and that they understand things that they couldn't in real life. Maybe I just need to believe that this happens, but it really helped me.
When my mother died, my younger sister totally took over every aspect of her death and the funeral and I felt that I was being used to perform a role in a play - the one of the "evil" sister - so that my sister could look good.
It sounds like these people have completely overtaken your mother's funeral and are expecting you to comply with their ways. This, in my eyes, is a further abuse of your values and your emotions. It really is emotional and psychological abuse.
I would not go. But if you do have to go then take someone with you if you can and remain dignified. I wouldn't hang around after. They will gossip about you and talk badly about you whatever you do, so you can't win on that one.
What you maybe should be thinking about is, if your mother knew the truth, would she want you there, with all of these people hurting you? I think not. You can make your own "ceremony" and say goodbye to her in a way that helps you rather than crucifies your feelings - you don't have to punish yourself with attending, and it sounds as though you feel that you almost deserve to have to suffer this misery - abused people often feel like this because they were made to feel worthless at the time of their abuse - you don't deserve it and, if you go, in my opinion you will simply be adding 'fuel' to their fire. If you don't go, they will still talk, but at least you will retain some sense of your own worth and power separately from them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your kind replies.
I have text my ex a few times asking nicely not to take his new family (who hate me and the stepmum is not nice to our child) He insists that she has to be there as she was 'friends' with my mother?????
This morning I text please respect my wishes. This is something I have to do and I do not want them to be there. He replied that I am evil, that I broke my mother's heart on her deathbed by not going to say goodbye and that I will be unwelcome there and he and his family will be at the front with my grown up son as head of the 'family'. I was hysterical and my child was crying to see me in such a state.
He then text me to say....I am the only one who understands you but this is not about you - my people want to say goodbye to your mother.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (12 October 2011):
I'm sorry for your loss, and for the torment that you continue to be exposed to.
You have learned that no one from your past life is going to be there to support you. That's incredibly difficult; as wrong as it is, though, it's the world you live in. I can agree with you that your ex ought to back off, but the fact that he won't still leaves you to deal with it.
All I can say is that you should do what you need to do so that you can move on with the fewest regrets. If your ex is going to be there, if people will be consoling your father, if you will be some sort of outcast -- if despite all that you need to be there to pay your respects to your mother, then do it. We only have that one chance to get it right --- if your attending is that one chance to have peace with your mother, then do it.
Walk in with your head held high, with no expectations of comfort from anyone, expecting recriminations. Do what you need to do, expecting the worst from others. You go in knowing the worst. None of it is fair. But you've learned by now that "family" is an ephemeral concept, not to be counted upon.
My best wishes as you move on from such a sad situation.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 I was abused as child, not by my father though it was my brother who is 13 years older than me, i know how hard the situation can be. Your family has made it harder by not believing you and for that I am sorry. As for the funeral of your mother you do have a right to be there, and go there for yourself and for your Mum. As for your ex he has no right what-so-ever to be there, she was not his mother, she is yours and he cannot tell you what to do. Obviously they will not give you support with your grief like they should. Go and hold your head up high because you are a beautiful and strong lady who deserves the best in the world. Counseling is a great idea, I have been through counseling myself and it does work, it is very hard and at times almost unbearable to face your past, but it is worth it because once you ahve dealt with it, you will realise how strong you are and how weak those people who didn't believe you truly are. I wish you the best of luck, if there is anything I can do to do please contact me, I would be happy to help any way that I could if you want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): Go. Screw your ex or his family or whoever else didn't believe you. Go for your mother. Go for the woman who raised you and loved you and still loved you even when you weren't speaking. Its not your ex's place to be there. It isn't his mother, or even his mother in law. He does not have the right to dictate what you can and cannot do. As for being an outcast, my advice to you is to not care. Did you come for you estranged family? No. You came for your mother. You know the truth about your horrible father, and whether or not your family is smart enough to realize that, you know you're right. You know your father is a filthy human being. And since they won't believe you, you can walk into your villiage knowing you are smarter and a kinder person than them. After the funeral, you can shoot a hateful glare towards your father, and go home.
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