A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:I'm so volatile in this relationship. I worry about where we are and where we're going and fearing an end that may not even come. I cry all the time both when I'm upset or misunderstood something and when I'm full of joy at the thought of someone who loves me like this.My emotions have always been visceral, deep and raw. I took antidepressants for 11 years and they gave me a flat affect. I refuse to go back on them. My boyfriend says he can handle this about me. He comforts me often. But I worry he'll tire of it and then leave. We compliment each other well. He does say he wants me to get out of my head more. But I fear if I tell him everything he'll get overwhelmed and want to leave. I am just at wit's end with myself. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (2 November 2011):
 bardia:I understand what you are saying. I have been on and off anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications myself, and often wonder "why me?" Why do I need to do all this when other people just feel "normal" without so much effort?In the end, it doesn't matter. This is only chance at life we have, and in the end it is down to us whether it is a good life or not. You sound like you are in pain right now, but that you have a good shot at happiness with someone you love. Maybe you can use the vision of a happy future with your boyfriend as a motivator to stick with the treatment.Hang in there. I completely understand the feeling of inequity that comes from having to work so hard to just be "normal", but in the end it just doesn't matter. It's the hand we were dealt, and every moment spent unhappy is one fewer moment when we could have been at peace.
A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (2 November 2011):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question I just wish the counselor I was seeing wasn't so expensive. And I've been on at least 10 different med combinations over the years. I've even worked with 2 psychiatrists. Guess I need to bite the bullet and do something before I really screw this up. I don't like me like this, but I resent that I have to fix it. Unfortunately I'm not genius enough about anything to have the madness excused. Rawr!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): You need to get back into therapy and if necessary back on medication (maybe a different kind of medication will work better for you than the one you were one before.) But maybe also medication isn't necessary and you just need better/different therapy approach. Antidepressants are not good if used just by themselves. They should be used in conjunction with therapy. You need to get your emotions under control not just for your own sake but for the sake of your boyfriend. Right now he's comforting you a lot. Maybe he'll do this forever but it can get tiring after awhile if it's never-ending and not tied to any "real" crises or if your daily life is a never-ending crisis after another it can be very difficult eventually on your partner too. please get the help you need. it makes the relationship unequal if it becomes centered around your never-ending 'need' for his attention and comfort so that's why you should get help so you can take care of your roller coaster emotions on your own and not make it part of the relationship.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 You need to go and visit your doctor, I can understand why you don't want to go back on to anti depressants. But go and visit your doctor who can maybe refer you to a therapist or a counsellor to talk about all your feelings and thoughts, it is unhealthy to have them all build up in your head and it may help to talk to a professional who may be able to help you think more positive and worry less. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 i'm totally not a professional so can not even offer a guess at what to do. Sorry, but as a layperson to me you sound depressed and in need of prof. help. Good luck and best to you. It does sound like your man is supportive though so don't kick him to the curb.
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A
male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (1 November 2011):
Instead of taking antidepressants, have you tried talk therapy? Or getting some books on anxiety or depression and working on some of the techniques yourself? There are lots of resources out there that you might try. Also, not all antidepressants result in a flat effect - so you might find that a combination of talk therapy (something like cognative behavioral therapy or CBT) and medication helps in the short run, and once you have a better hold on your emotions because of the therapy, you can try coming off the medication.
I encourage you to seek out some professional help. It sounds like you need someone you can really express all these emotions to who will be a neutral party.
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