A
male
age
30-35,
*hostChild
writes:Okay, so, I ended a long distance relationship that I had with a girl the next state over from me, we were together for 3-months, I ended it in February.I ended it for a number of reasons, the main one being that I couldn't cope with the distance any more. It was getting too difficult emotionally, practically and financially. On top of this we argued all the time, we usually had at least one or two big fights every week, and then I also realised she was after something a lot more serious than I could offer. She was looking for marriage and kids, like, within the next year or so, and was wanting me to move over there in a matter of months when I'm just not able to at the moment.She still wanted to be friends afterwards, which I said okay to, but she still kept highly attached and dependent on me, she'd get angry and jealous if I left the house and hung out with another friend, she'd expect me to make tons of time for her, like, she wanted at the very least, a phone call three nights a week, for me to go and visit her every 2 months and to be there for her while she copes with being single again.It's nearly 3 months later, and it's still like this, our friendship is very much like our relationship, she still insists on constant contact and telling each other "I love you" and things like that.But she's still maintained that she only wants a friendship and that she's over me and wants us to be friends.But then the other day, that all changed, she told me that she wants me to give her another chance. She gave me an ultimatum, that either I give her another chance and we become a couple again, or she'll never talk to me again.She confessed to me that she's still in love with me, and she needs closure on our relationship. She's told me that if I give her another chance, and our relationship still doesn't work a second time, then she's fine with it, and that she wouldn't even be sad because then she'd "know for sure" that we're meant to be friends and not boyfriend and girlfriend.I have until this monday to give her my decision.I've actually given it a lot of thought, considered it from every possible angle. A part of me thinks that I wouldn't have anything to lose and that it could actually work, but then the logical side of me says that it would only end in heartbreak. The same problems that were there the first time wouldn't go away, I'd still struggle with the distance, and we'd more than likely still fight a lot.But I'm hesitant to tell her this. She's very emotional and attached to me, she's cried a lot over this decision and his horribly afraid that I'll say no. A little over a month ago, she threatened me with suicide, told me that if I didn't start being a better friend and giving her more time and attention, then she didn't want to live, and she's told me numerous times that I'm the only thing keeping her alive and going and that she's afraid of what she'd do without me.Part of me thinks that these might just be threats to manipulate me into doing what she wants, but I can't take that risk. If I said no to her, and she ended up doing something horribile to herself, I'd feel guilty and responsible forever.I'm really at a loss for what to do, I feel like I should call up her parents and tell her family that she's been having suicidal thoughts and that she might need help/ counselling, but I'm just not sure. I can't handle these situations very well.I've thought about suggesting to her that we have some time apart as well so we can get our heads straight and maybe that'd help her get over me, but I don't think she'd go for that.I'm sorry for the length of this, if anyone has any experience in this sort of thing, I'd love to hear from you, any advice from anyone is greatly appreciated. Thankyou.
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male
reader, GhostChild +, writes (25 April 2010):
GhostChild is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yeah, I don't think that she'll actually do it, but then again, I think that's what everyone likes to think. I have to accept the truth of it. One of my friends' ex-boyfriend committed suicide a couple of years back because they had a really messy break up and she refused to get back with him, that pretty much crushed her completely, made her severely depressed and she still blames herself over it.
She's working over the next few days, I might take the opportunity while she's out of the house to call her home and have a talk with her mother, tell her that I'm concerned that she could cause some harm to herself and to stay close to her and keep a close eye on her.
And PM, I agree, the rules aren't right. She's tried to set a lot of strict rules for our friendship before, i.e. "no going out at night, having at least two full days set aside for her each week etc." but they haven't worked before, I've contested them.
If a friendship needs to have rules and guidelines for it to work then maybe it's not meant to work. Either way, I guess I'll keep trying to be friends, but if her rules get too strict then something's going to have to happen.
I think I've got too much guilt and attachment to straight up tell her that the friendship won't work, even though I probably should.
Either way, I'll give her parents a call soon, that won't be easy but I'd rather be safe and sorry, and at least know that I've made some attempt to divert hurting herself over me.
Thankyou both again, it's very much appreciate
A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (24 April 2010):
 Tisha, I have a bit of training in suicide prevention and everything that I've learned so far has told me that suicide is not about being mentally ill, it's about being in so much pain that they no longer wish to live. I feel deeply for how you've been affected by suicide, as I have also lost a friend to it, but to think that it's just a matter of a person being mentally ill ignores the fact that suicide is a choice based on circumstances. You don't have to be mentally ill to think about suicide, you simply have to be in a lot of pain.
"She was very close to telling me that she was going to end our friendship, but I convinced her to give it another go as friends, she's just now written up a load of rules based around our friendship. I.e. I have to be more sensitive, text her more often when I'm out, make more time for her etc."
I personally think that you should ask yourself why you want to continue this friendship with her. Do your other friends make rules for you to follow in order to continue a friendship with them? How do you feel about having someone place rules on you that dictate how you should act and how you should spend your time? It sounds as though she is trying to control you. If you are okay with her doing so, then you've made the right choice for yourself. If not, then perhaps you should rethink it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 April 2010):
 I'm happy to hear she doesn't sound like a suicide risk at the moment. Nonetheless, she has verbalized thoughts of suicide and that is not what emotionally and mentally healthy, balanced people do. They do not utter those words. If they DON'T intend to commit suicide, then they are manipulating the other person in the most heinous of ways, by making that person fear for the 'suicidal' person's life. A very nasty bit of business, I think.
It's done out of anger and quite frankly is the sign of an unstable person.
An acquaintance of ours lost his wife to suicide; they'd been arguing and having problems for a long time. Long story short, she went into the garage one night while he was asleep and ran the car until she asphyxiated. True story. This was a heinous act of the utmost barbarity because it nearly destroyed this man.
A neighbor of ours also committed suicide in much the same manner; he had been deeply depressed but had never actually threatened suicide. He tried to take the family dog with him, but she survived. His wife came home and discovered him.
You see why I am so concerned about these verbalized suicidal intentions? It happens. I knew two people who did this awful thing and they left such devastation in their wake. It is an utterly selfish, unspeakably horrible thing to do to another human being.
To be on the safe side, I would highly recommend you tell her parents of her words, including the fact that she is no longer threatening it, but that your relationship is changing and you cannot be held accountable for her actions. I would feel much better if she had some other support and people watching her carefully. You are not her caretaker, her mental health warden, her therapist or her doctor. You are her ex-boyfriend and as such, she needs to be moving on.
These 'conditions' that she's applying to the situation are her way of trying to control a situation that is no longer within her power to fix. You are not going to last long with this because she is fundamentally unhappy that you aren't doing exactly what she wants. She's not going to listen to reason because she can't. She's not mentally healthy or balanced at the moment.
So it's up to you what you choose to do. Me, personally, I would feel better having notified people of the risk.
Good luck with her and the new arrangements.
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A
male
reader, GhostChild +, writes (24 April 2010):
GhostChild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust another update.I told her my answer today. I told her that if being with me again would bring her closure, that I'd do it, but I also told her that I don't think it's fair request, that I'm almost positive that the relationship wouldn't work and that I don't want a relationship and the only reason I'd do it is to help her.She didn't think much of that answer, so I suggested some time apart, which she hated the idea of.She was very close to telling me that she was going to end our friendship, but I convinced her to give it another go as friends, she's just now written up a load of rules based around our friendship. I.e. I have to be more sensitive, text her more often when I'm out, make more time for her etc.I don't see this working out personally, but I'll give it a go. If it doesn't work then I'll have to enforce time apart.I no longer THINK she's a suicide risk. She told me tonight that it was quite a while ago that she was close to suicide, and she seems to want to make herself get better in a healthier way, which I'm glad about.Even still, I wish she'd listen to reason and take some time away from me. I still don't understand how a relationship would help us or give her closure or help her get over me.Anyway, once again, thankyou for the advice and help! I'm glad I stayed strong. Hopefully friendship works and she can find someone else.
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A
male
reader, GhostChild +, writes (23 April 2010):
GhostChild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all for the advice.
She's been continuously pressuring me, calling me up, crying telling me that she doesn't think she can hold out for my answer until Monday, wanting an answer as soon as possible, and trying to tell me that I have nothing to lose by saying yes and basically just trying to talk me into doing what she wants.
I plan to tell her everything on my mind tomorrow, and why I don't think it'll work, and I'm thinking I might tell her that I'm going to take some time away from her and not speak to her for a couple of weeks so she can get a chance to stand on her own two feet again, which she hasn't done since before she met me.
If she starts threatening and talking suicide or says threatening things, then I'll call her home number and warn her parents.
Hopefully everything goes as smoothly as it possibly can, which still isn't all that smooth, but still.
Thanks everyone heaps for your advice and kind words!
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A
male
reader, PM +, writes (22 April 2010):
Your reaction to this situation is normal. I have talked to others who have had situations like this happen to them, where an extremely dependent person begins to threaten suicide, and it is never an easy thing to deal with. Before you do anything, I suggest that you remind yourself that you have no control over what she does. If she decides to commit suicide, that is a choice that she made without you because I assume that if you had a choice, you would want her to live and carry on with her life. The issues that she has are her own and not yours. It's really easy to feel responsible for her feelings in a situation like this, but you can't blame yourself for everything.
From what you've written, it looks like you've already made up your mind in breaking things off. If that's how you feel, then I think you should tell her what your reasons are just as you've written them because they are thoughtful and real concerns.
As Tisha wrote, this woman may be an emotional blackmailer (Google the term, it'll shed light on this) and if that's the case, I'd expect her to say things like "I'll change," "It'll be different this time" because that's been my experience in interacting with these types of people. I suggest that you be prepared to stand firm on your decision.
As for her suicide threat, it may be real, it may be manipulation. That's simply a judgment call for you to make. When you call to break up with her, if you get the feeling from talking to her that she's going to be a danger to herself, then call up her parents or friends and have them spend time with her to keep her safe. Your icon says that you're from the UK, I'm not quite sure if it works the same way, but in Canada and the US, if someone is suicidal, you can have an ambulance take them to a hospital to be admitted. If at some point you feel that she's going to harm herself in the immediate future, I would find out if that's an option for you.
I hope this helps you in some way.
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A
male
reader, PM +, writes (22 April 2010):
Your reaction to this situation is normal. I have talked to others who have had situations like this happen to them, where an extremely dependent person begins to threaten suicide, and it is never an easy thing to deal with. Before you do anything, I suggest that you remind yourself that you have no control over what she does. If she decides to commit suicide, that is a choice that she made without you because I assume that if you had a choice, you would want her to live and carry on with her life. The issues that she has are her own and not yours. It's really easy to feel responsible for her feelings in a situation like this, but you can't blame yourself for everything.
From what you've written, it looks like you've already made up your mind in breaking things off. If that's how you feel, then I think you should tell her what your reasons are just as you've written them because they are thoughtful and real concerns.
As Tisha wrote, this woman may be an emotional blackmailer (Google the term, it'll shed light on this) and if that's the case, I'd expect her to say things like "I'll change," "It'll be different this time" because that's been my experience in interacting with these types of people. I suggest that you be prepared to stand firm on your decision.
As for her suicide threat, it may be real, it may be manipulation. That's simply a judgment call for you to make. When you call to break up with her, if you get the feeling from talking to her that she's going to be a danger to herself, then call up her parents or friends and have them spend time with her to keep her safe. Your icon says that you're from the UK, I'm not quite sure if it works the same way, but in Canada and the US, if someone is suicidal, you can have an ambulance take them to a hospital to be admitted. If at some point you feel that she's going to harm herself in the immediate future, I would find out if that's an option for you.
I hope this helps you in some way.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (22 April 2010):
 ...Hi there, Be honest, let her know you have outgrown the relationship, and you do not care for her as you did before. You are also not able to give her what she needs and the two of you have to go your separate ways. Let her tell you she won't talk to you anymore, that's fine. She will be back in your ear count on it though you might not want her too. You are going to have to make a blunt end to this relationship, because she is going to play on your sympathy factor, as she is doing. Make a clean break and don't look back. Otherwise you will have her on your back, trying to wear you down even to the point of marriage. Be very careful, women have a wayof going to the mat if they want something bad enough. No trick is off limits, we know men's weaknesses, if you can read between the lines. Tell her parents so they will be informed, do not let her lock you into something by threatening you with these actions. In the future will she always threaten you to get her way
She needs help, the two of you have a problem with the arguing. It's too much. Step back ang give yourself space and time. There are better relationships to be had.
Go find them. Good luck, take care.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2010):
 The best way is honesty. Tell her you're not interested, and that if she's feeling suicidal thoughts, that she should see a professional, because you are not what she needs, nor are you responsible for her happiness OR sadness.
As for notifying her parents, you might want to do that. I had a boyfriend whom I broke up with ACTUALLY kill himself after attempting to get back with me, so there is always the small possibility that she is being serious. But that doesn't mean that you should give into her because of the threat of suicide. That's the last reason people should stay together.
In the end, SHE is responsible for her feelings and her future. You need to keep your own emotional health first in this one.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2010):
"I'm really at a loss for what to do, I feel like I should call up her parents and tell her family that she's been having suicidal thoughts and that she might need help/ counselling, but I'm just not sure. I can't handle these situations very well."
Healthy people do not threaten suicide--either it's emotional blackmail or it's a real threat. Whatever it is, that's not a viable reason for you to get back together with her.
No one (except trained healthcare professionals) manages these situations very well. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to cope with this.
I think you've already come up with the best thing to do for her own safety. Please let her parents know about these threats and her fragile mental state.
Good luck, be brave and don't feel guilty. You're doing the right thing for her.
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