A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am undoubtedly a hopeless romantic. I'm kind of traditional in the sense that I want my man to court me and not the other way around as it happens to be so popular these days. I do like to be my own person; be an individual and not a clone.So how is it that I find myself in a long-term, very complicated relationship (yeah, we're not technically together and it's been 3.5 years so far) that resembles Dr. Cox and Jordan from Scrubs? A relationship where the guy always asks me why I can't be like other girls he knows. Why I can't wear make-up and do my hair and just be pretty all the time? "Making an effort" he likes to call it.I'm cool with "making an effort" but he's never around anyway (he goes to a university across the state from me) and he wants me to make an amazing first impression on his friends when I see him tomorrow. This first impression includes me wearing make-up, slightly slutty clothes, and just... not being myself.We also argue... like ridiculously a lot. I hate it and he's even admitted numerous times in the last 3.5 years that he loves to argue. He calls me names on a daily basis (slut, hoe, bitch, blah blah blah) for just HUGGING another guy. He's threatened my guy friends and sent a message to one of my best friends telling her to stop trying to set me up with another guy. (Again, I am, in fact, single but in a complicated relationship... so it's NOT cheating.)This guy is my first love and all that shit and I'm wondering: Is any of this healthy? I've always been a closet optimist and the last 3.5 years have kind of made that go away altogether. What do I have to do to finally get through to him?Now, I used to lie every freakin' day to him. Trying to make him jealous because he had the notorious habit of talking about how hot other girls are and trying to impress him. Obviously all of that backfired and obviously, two wrongs don't make a right. But whatever.My issue right now concerns the rest of my life. I have a feeling I'm going to be with this guy for the rest of my life and I'm not too sure I want that... But it's so impossible to get rid of him. His parents are starting to like me again (long story) and I'm becoming friends with his teenage sister. I love him, I do and deep down, I know he isn't a horrible guy. But it's not showing these days. It hurts.What do I do?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2010):
 You cannot change him. You cannot change him. You cannot change him.
Who CARES if his parents like you?? He calls you names, is ultra jealous, and doesn't love you for who you are. Is he "making an effort" for you?? Is he generous and kind and considerate to you? Is he putting your needs first in bed? I'm guessing not, or you wouldn't be having second thoughts about your relationship.
DO NOT SETTLE. Find a man who cherishes you. You're young and beautiful and deserve better. Get out of the rut you're in and send your life in motion forward by dropping this toxic guy. You already know that's what you want to do. So find the courage and do it.
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