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female
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anonymous
writes: Does my boyfriend lie to me that he loves me if he doesn't want to have sex with me? We`ve been together for almost 2 years. But recently we just stopped having a sexual relationship. The reason is not me. He says that he is tired and doesn't like how I turn him on. But also he never tries to turn me on either. I try to put some sexy clothes on, hoping that it will help. It helps to turn on other males but my bf. We really love each other and want to be together. But I want something more! I want an exciting relationship with passion. Am I the reason that he lost passion to have sex with me? What I supposed to do? Can a relationship like that be successful? I love him! What do I need to do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2005): After reading the other answers and suggestions it sounds like it is quite a common problem and you shouldn't feel alone. I myself am also in this situation. It is awful and makes you feel so bad about yourself which is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. I think the best thing is to talk about it and try and make light of the situation. Remember sex shouldn't be taxing it is something to enjoy and to have fun with in a relationship, and you should remind him that. At the moment it will be hard to be the one always talking, making the first move and dressing up because it knocks your confidence when someone is always knocking you back when you try. I personally have almost given up on the whole thing which has made things worse for us, because now neither of us is trying and it like we are on count down to the end. I think the best thing to do now is give it my best shot, forget the last few months, and get our relationship back on track and make sure we are aiming for the same goal in life!
I don't believe you have to have a intense sex life to have a great relationship but now and again would be nice!
A
male
reader, sfhk +, writes (29 July 2005):
I am on the opposite of your problem. Perhaps you can read my problem and respond to mine too.
My response is that since you have been together for two years it is important for you to evaluate if his interest in having sex with you has only decrease rapidly recently or if you are honest you think he was not as interested in the first place. This is very important to evaluate honestly. If the former is true then it could mean some other problems and you need to look into it.
However, if the latter is true then in my opinion the only real course of action you have is to tough it out and work on becoming as attractive as you can for yourself and not just for him-there is a lot more to it than throwing on a sexy outfit. The reason is that this is the only winning option. It may actually work in which case you are a winner. If it does not then you know you gave it your best shot and you will be more attractive than ever for whatever comes your way in life. If it were possible for me to somehow tell this to my wife I would. Coming from me, it changes it completely and is self defeating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2005): I must commend your honest effort to try your hardest to make your relationship work -- but it's not entirely up to you. Sigh...as a woman myself, I tire of us gals being targeted to spice up things in the bedroom or to be the one to fix problems in the relationship. Here's the deal-if you and your b/f are losing the passion now, well, you're not going to be getting more, 10 years from now. So this is a problem, you BOTH need to fix now.
But there's hope. Ask him to see his doctor, get a physical and make sure that his "equipment and libido" is in full working order. It could be that something's not quite right down there.
Then, there's also the counseling option -- either together, to work through the problem, or him going solo to see if there's something in his past that's keeping him from enjoying sex, in general.
And if he refuses to go down either route for you, then it's time to consider pulling the cord on this relationship. You may not want to end a relationship just because of sex, but a lifetime of frustration is nothing to shoot for either. He has to put in the effort as well, to fix the problem. After all, we know, your needs and wants are healthy & right on target..but his aren't. He has the problem..he should take the responsibilty in helping himself overcome it. Good luck and I wish you both well.
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A
female
reader, ann-marie +, writes (28 July 2005):
I have the same problem and he makes you feel cheap and sex mad if you mention it?? Am beginning to think its a man thing as I have had the same problem with previous relationships. Really wish I could help, as I know it makes you feel unloved and unwanted. Maybe a holiday? A good honest chat?? may help rekindle things. At present I am just not bothering in the hope the lack of interest may decide he wants me again. Wish me luck!!
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A
male
reader, Courts +, writes (28 July 2005):
hi
you say he is not interested and putting sexy clothes does nothing for yet, yet you say it does for other guys. is this the only approach you can use. have you discussed this issue with him how long has it been like this.maybe you should make time for love making.in doing this i am sure you both can devote your time and energy to it. maybe, just maybe you are asking him at an award time when he is tired. try another time when he is feeling fresh. i like your approach. dont give up, persevere and you can make it work.rememeber to talk it over with him. tell him how u feel and how this situation makes things uneasy for u.cheers
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